Subject: Not much of a review.
Author:
Posted on: 2018-10-04 16:11:00 UTC

I finally read this, and I became a bit confused, because there’s a continuity problem:

Before he talked to the child, the Detective stepped into an annex of the waiting room, so I supposed he found the boy in this annex.

But then, he’d taken three steps toward the waiting room annex... Huh? Wasn’t he already there? When did he leave again?

And after turning on the spot and talking to the boy again, the Detective turned around and was returning back toward his seat in the waiting room, leaving the kid delightedly poking new, random shapes into the neon plastic pins in an excited frenzy.

I guess, when you wrote three steps toward the waiting room annex, the Detective actually attempted to leave the waiting room annex on his way back to his seat.


Also, there’s a word missing in ... had something his hands that might have been an Etch-a-Sketch ..., and "your" should be "you" in It was a good play, but usually you’re more successful if your don’t start celebrating until after your mark’s out of earshot.

And I noticed some pronoun confusion on the first page (referring to the Detective by "he" when the last male person mentioned was the boy).

Don’t get this wrong; I liked the story, especially how the Detective appears to be alien but not inhuman.

HG

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