That was... quite long?

New DMS mission! by Neshomeh on 2012-10-21 02:34:00 UTC Reply

This one has been more than a year in the works. I've lost track of how many times I changed my mind about what direction to take it, but last month it settled on its present shape, and after plenty of editing passes, I think it's finally presentable. Enjoy!

Title: "The Adventure Begins With One Step"
Summary: In which Gall returns to make Derik's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day even worse.
Continuum: Lord of the Rings
Rating: PG-13/T - homicidal maniacs don't play well with others.
Betas: Irish Samurai, Lily Winterwood, and KittyNoodles. (Thanks, guys!)

~Neshomeh

Concrit: "The Adventure Begins With One Step" by PoorCynic on 2012-10-25 00:04:00 UTC Reply

THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS BOTH SPOILERS FOR THE MISSION AND SUBJECTIVE COMMENTS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I had a few concerns with how your characters acted, both with each other and by themselves. First off was this one line in particular:

"Gall . . . when I was aware of anything, I was afraid. I believed you would leave me to rot and murder Vanya without charges. Why didn't you?"

There's nothing wrong with the line by itself. The problem for me was that I never really believed that Gall would 'leave him to rot.' Everything she had done up to that point never really reached a level of antagonism where I might accept that she'd leave him in the lurch. Gall seemed like a typical snarky headstrong partner. I would've bought her prematurely finish the mission without him, but not abandoning Derik entirely. The above line could be exaggeration on Derik's part, of course, but I did not see anything that would indicate it as such.

The other major problem I had with this piece was with Derik himself. It was never really explained why (or I just didn't see where) he was having such a problem on this particular day. The point where he starts crying is never really touched upon after that moment despite Gall's little comment at the end of section suggesting it might be. I found myself not really caring about him, which in turn hurt my enjoyment of the back and forth agent banter (which, I should note, was otherwise very good.)

Sorta related (in that Derik is involved) was the bit where he was knocked out. The whole section in his head doesn't really add anything to the overall plot. The lines near the end of that about Derik's duty felt a little too cheesy to me to be taken seriously.

There were some excellent bits of dialogue, particularly with Derik and Gall are doing their disapproving father/rebellious daughter thing. I really enjoyed that dynamic when the previously mentioned issues weren't getting in the way of it.

The mission as a whole just felt average to me. The fic being sporked did not really hook me in any particular way, which normally isn't too much of a problem if the agent interactions are solid or the jokes are golden. Had your agents been more consistent in their characterizations, I probably would have enjoyed this much more.

PC
Re: Mission by doctorlit on 2012-10-23 23:02:00 UTC Reply

Gall makes for a very fun and different PPC agent! We see often enough an agent who tries to reign themselves in to avoid assassinating the Sue too early, but I think Gall is the first one I've seen who just outright doesn't care about the rules. She's going to be difficult to keep under control, for both you and Derik, I think. I'm glad you included a scene with an example of why bringing "pets" on missions is frowned upon. Hopefully Gall takes that into account at least sometimes.

Ah, the old String-Them-Between-Things-That-They-Geologically-Compressed-So-They-Get-Torn-Apart-By-The-Canon-Rearranging assassination . . . is getting a little too old for me, honestly. I was hoping you would just flat-out feed Vanya to the canon werewolves, so I'm glad you at least gave them a small appearance to dispose of her glittery bits.

Also, I got angrier and angrier at the similarity between "Vanya" and "Vania" as the mission continued. I know that isn't a legitimate criticism against the Suethor in any way, but the spellings and pronunciations are just WAY too close. Makes me uncomfortable.

Thanks! by Neshomeh on 2012-10-24 00:35:00 UTC Reply

Gall is a risk, but the good news is that I often had to check myself when she was being too agreeable rather than the other way around. She is fun to write, though. *g* And yeah, Derik is going to have to crack down on her about Snerri. He did say it was her partner's responsibility...

Huh, I wonder where else geological expansion has come up, besides the "legolas" mission. I wasn't aware it was popular at the moment. I DO know feeding a Sue to the werewolves has also been done at least once before, though. Guess I'll have to stretch my brain more next time.

It is annoying when a Sue uses a name that means something to you. I had my eye on a Harry Potter fic where it was MY name, but it seems to have been deleted now. I am not sad.

Thanks for commenting!

~Neshomeh

Re: Mission by doctorlit on 2012-10-24 06:14:00 UTC Reply

Well, I can't remember which missions I've read apart from the "legolas" one that used it, but I seem to recall a couple. I guess what I dislike about that assassination is that it could happen in any badfic (with geographical compression), which makes it less unique than something canon-specific.

But then again, we've had so many Rings missions that there probably aren't any such unique disposals left there anyway, so this was a rather pointless criticism to begin with. <.>
Re: Mission by doctorlit on 2012-10-24 06:14:00 UTC Reply

Well, I can't remember which missions I've read apart from the "legolas" one that used it, but I seem to recall a couple. I guess what I dislike about that assassination is that it could happen in any badfic (with geographical compression), which makes it less unique than something canon-specific.

But then again, we've had so many Rings missions that there probably aren't any such unique disposals left there anyway, so this was a rather pointless criticism to begin with. <.>

Minor mistake by Calista on 2012-10-22 04:33:00 UTC Reply

"....as though the proximity to canon caused a gravitational effect sheering it out of alignment..." Should be "shearing". I think it slipped through your spell check.

Also, and the opposite of a mistake:
"You're insane," Gall commented. "Your plan is insane."

I got a chuckle out of your correctly using your/you're so pointedly! Now if we could only drill that into the badfic writers' heads.

Nope, different word. by Neshomeh on 2012-10-22 05:46:00 UTC Reply

Shearing is for sheep. To sheer is to deviate from course.

Thanks anyway, though, and although I didn't specifically intend to highlight the you're/your difference with that line, I'm glad it pleases you. {= )

Any thoughts or feelings about the story overall?

~Neshomeh

That was... quite long? by Huinesoron on 2012-10-21 10:20:00 UTC Reply

I do get a feeling we're all suffering from mission-length inflation...

Anyhow. I didn't particularly like Gall to start with - no particular reason, she just bugged me - but she seemed to improve over time, so that's good. I did enjoy the puppet-theatre moments - although, as I'm sure you're already aware, doing it too often would wear mighty thin - and the fact that you kept neatly in the bounds of what each agent knew (the line about the dragon's name comes to mind; and speaking of which, how many Sues are that insecure that they name their CAFs 'Mine, y'all!'?)

Oh, and Selene says... well, actually she says 'YAAAARGH LEMME ATTEM CALLING THEMSELVES VAMPIRES KILLKILLKILL', but she's insane these days. If she wasn't, she'd say she was amused to see her assassination method catching on.

(Of course, it was actually Dafydd's idea, but hey - she's an old-fashioned vamp-girl, all the ideas are hers in her head)

hS in't good at reviews

It is a bit, yeah. by Neshomeh on 2012-10-21 18:05:00 UTC Reply

(Also, Phobos says "That's what she said.")

It's about 16,600 words. This one at least has the excuse of covering two fics, though, unlike some of my others. >.> I do TRY to keep the length down, I swear. I abandoned whole planned segments for this one—there was a "calvary" in Rohan, for instance, and there was the thing where she kept misspelling "border," so we had the "boarders of Lothlorien." I had volunteer Boarders and everything.

Gall has a sort of essential roughness and nastiness to her, so not liking her is acceptable. She did start life as a Stock Bully. Her job is to make the kinds of jokes and do things my other characters are too classy to attempt, like pulling pranks on the Sue. And also to kick Derik when he gets too angsty, which he did a lot of in this one because it was the anniversary of his dragon's death.

Speaking of him, he probably got the idea for executing Vanya from the report for "legolas." It IS famous, after all, and he's the type to do his background reading. Either way, it's very poetic. After what she did to the Anduin, I couldn't let the opportunity pass. The first fic probably could've been DOGA material.

Poor Selene. Is there any hope of her eventual recovery?

~Neshomeh

Yeah, it's a tricky business. by Huinesoron on 2012-10-21 20:01:00 UTC Reply

My current mission (which, er... has been in the works for a while?) I've actually gone to the unprecedented step of reading through and finding all the funny points, so I know where I'm going next. It's still growing and growing, though...

Selene... eh. She'll recover if I need her, which actually makes her more potentially-useable than the whole bunch who got married off (or will get married off, depending on the timeline). But I don't forsee bright things.

hS

Yay! by KittyNoodles on 2012-10-21 05:28:00 UTC Reply

I wondered when this would come out! It's still a fun read another time around! :D

Thanks! (nm) by Neshomeh on 2012-10-21 18:07:00 UTC Reply