Subject: Because you're hurting yourself.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-04-23 03:26:00 UTC
Judging by your post, it looks like you want to dig yourself deeper too. That's no way to live. Like you said, it only leads to more anger and vicious circles that get you nowhere.
Again, I can only offer platitudes and clichés because I don't know anything about your situation but please: stop hurting yourself. You deserve better than this.
"A horrible woman by all accounts. There is an information broker in DoI who is attempting to put together a file on her. She has had little success so far-- almost no information of the Notary exists outside of the Department of Personnel. Theory: indicative of attempts at controlling information. For what purpose? Unclear. Requires more investigation." wrote Tacitus, flicking through pages as needed. "Do you have a personal grievance against the Notary?"
Zeb shrugged. "I mean, she's rude and stuck-up enough as it is, but I'm mostly mad ather for what she did to my partner. Long story short, Rina was delirious and the Notary abandoned her in a stairwell." He shuddered. "Not a nice woman."
He paused. "This information broker, would he or she be able to look into the records of which agents have received which missions?"
"She most definitely can, but..." The Zorua's eyes narrowed. "My friend isn't without morals. She will not sell you this information if you have malicious intentions. You and your partner are the talk of the town in DoI: information on both of you has been selling particularly well. We all know what happened to you, Agent Zeb. Don't think that exacting revenge on one of ours is going to somehow make you and Agent Dives feel better."
"It's just that I have a question that I think Rina and I deserve the answer to." His fists clenched. "Why us? Why were we picked to go into Rose Potter when there must have been better-qualified, more experienced agents? Rina's been an agent for about a year and I only joined last month. I can't help but wonder why it was us."
((Last post of the night, be back in six hours.))
"I understand your anger. The broker herself has said that the Rose Potter series was a job for the Special Operations Division. There is an overwhelming chance that this was simply a mistake. Even then Madam frequently receives requests to release the identity of spies who have assigned particularly nasty missions to various agent teams. She always refuses: we are simply doing our job. However..." Tacitus readjusted his bite on his pencil. "Madam may investigate the agent in question and strongly encourage DoI's administrative corps to conduct an audit of that agent's performance if they have been derelict in their duty. Said agent will most likely be disciplined by the Sub Rosa herself."
Tacitus looked at Zeb. "But for Madam to do work on your behalf, she needs to be paid. As one of her official intermediaries I can present your case to Madam if you want."
"So it was just a mistake," he whispered bitterly. He barked out a laugh. "I mean, I'd been wondering, but finding out what really happened?" He shook his head. "It seems like it's a cruel joke."
Zeb considered Tacitus' offer. "But I... I think... I'll pass. What's done is done. Complaining to Madam isn't going to fix what happened, is it."
Tacitus looked at Zeb in silence for a moment. "It does seem to be a cruel joke, yes. Such is life, I'm afraid. Either way, if ever you need information, please consider my employer. She's one of the best in HQ-- bar the Sub Rosa herself, of course."
Owen looked at Tacitus. "What are you? On commission or something?"
"I represent a business, Owen. Profit for the business translates into money for me."
"You're a bloody Pokémon. What do you need money for?"
Tacitus shrugged. "It's useful. You can buy favours off literally anyone with the right currency; most of the time plain old cash will do."
Owen looked at Zeb. "He's resourceful, I'll give him that."
"Never really understood why humans and so many other species need money. Suppose I ought to look into that." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "You know, I can't remember the last time I had a proper Pokémon battle. It's kind of nice to be able to talk to you guys." He paused. "One moment, please."
He got up and headed over to Rina; after a brief exchange, she reached into her pocket for the D.O.R.K.S., and there was a flash of light as Zeb's disguise was removed. He fell forward onto all fours and trotted back to Owen and Tacitus.
"That's better," he said, stretching languidly. "I do like the opposable thumbs humans have, but it's really much more comfortable to be in my natural form."
"Humans are so fragile and boring. Aside from technology and clothing, they don't have anything on us," said Owen, letting a little current of Aura dance across his paws to illustrate his point. "It kinda makes you wonder why they're the ones calling the shots."
"First race to invent the Poké Ball wins," wrote Tacitus. "Humans got there first so they're obviously the ones who are the big thinkers here. They invented writing, agriculture, machines, and so much more. We can learn a few things from them."
"You're more human than 'mon, Tacitus. That's easy for you to say." Owen looked around. "Did you see Buck on the way back? Where is he?"
"He's probably taking a nap in the sun," answered Tacitus. "He was walking back with me when I lost him. He should be nearby."
Owen nodded, then turned to Zeb. "So... Did I hear you say something about a 'proper Pokémon battle'? Is that a challenge?"
Zeb's ears flattened against his skull. "I don't know... I've never done a battle without a trainer before and you're probably a lot more experienced than me..."
"Since when do we need to have trainers continuously yell instructions in our ears? You do know how to fight: you survived a month here and killed a Legendary while you're at it. How is fighting without a trainer different from killing Suvians? I'm sure Dives isn't having you do all the heavy lifting, right? You said you were a 'tough guy' before you came here, right? Was that to make yourself look good or did you actually mean it?" Owen's grin returned. He stood up, locking eyes with Zeb. "I wanna see you dance, Rookie. Show me what you got."
Tacitus hastily wrote a note and waved it to get the Luxray's attention. "Don't take the bait. He knows Earthquake."
Without turning around, Owen said: "Tacitus, stop giving him advice. What if this was an actual situation? He'd have to fight-- and I can give him pointers once I'm done mopping the floor with him."
- - -
((Oh, Owen. Get off your high horse.))
((Boy runs Intimidate, for reasons best known to himself. Flame Orb Guts Fire Fang OHKOs, and ain't the square root of bugger-all Lucario can do about it.
Now, if it was ME against a Lucario, I'd get Doktor Trollenfisch in to lower the attack and bait the Earthquake out, then switch to Doktor Huggleston and Flamethrower his Poképhile-baiting arse. Or use Doktor Grabbyhands to 2HKO with Fake Out and Low Kick, which (if memory serves) is exactly what happened in the tourney. Or... well, I actually have several options.
Also, Walter Peckario here's argument is completely spurious. Nobody goes into a combat scenario blind because that's how you lose; I'd say he should credit Zeb with more intelligence than that, but that'd mean he was something other than a nasty, bullying little turd. The perfect Internal Affairs agent, in other words. =] ))
((Along with a crap moveset. He was a Nuzlocke Pokémon before he came to the PPC and you don't get to really pick and choose in Nuzruns.))
((He is a nasty, bullying turd. We can't have nice PPC agents all the time, can we? Gotta shake things up somehow.
And I get the feeling that you don't like DIA very much-- especially after the Notary and the Guardsman's clash at Rudi's.))
((I appreciate that they're a necessary evil, but every single one of them so far has been an unrepentant fascist. And yes, that does include the Guardsman. I'm extremely tempted to have her open up a portal into his office from the inside of this.
Also, I'm imagining a left-wing version called the Guardian and you can't stop me. =] ))
>DIA
>Necessary evil
>Fascists
>The Guardsman is a fascist
>U w0t m8
((I... don't follow you. Really, I don't. Are you confusing Internal Affairs with DIS? Because those guys were nuts.))
Clearly there are some differently-bright people in attendance.
I accept that there needs to be a system of oversight in place at the PPC.
I think the DIA is, by and large, good at its job.
I also think that if the DIA turfed out the wretched little fascists in its ranks and replaced them with people who deserved to wear the flash patch, it would be better at its job.
Is it really that tricky to comprehend, or do you want me to patronise you in green text as well?
Please try to keep this discussion civil, and that includes not insulting SeaTurtle's intelligence.
((Please keep this civil, Scapegrace.
What I don't understand is how you interpret the handful of named DIA officers as fascist. Are you using the term as a generic insult ("that Nazi!") or do you mean it in the actual fascism-as-institution way? What would then be an ideal DIA officer by your standards then? Help me understand.
Oh, and greentext is fine too. I find it to be a punchy way of writing stuff.))
There's a slightly archaic British term for people who abuse their power and are unpleasant to deal with. While it has been superseded by the considerably more mild (and more focused on bureaucracy) "jobsworth", as in "it's more than my job's worth to do X, Y, and Z", the original term was "little Hitler". The Guardsman is someone whose personal politics I find deeply unpleasant. Owen, well, let's just say I'm in full agreement with you. Any organization that has a place in its ranks for people like them is in dire need of drastic reform.
...exactly what facets of the Guardsman's politics you're opposed to. Can you expand on that? After all, I do have some insider knowledge on his character and can maybe explain his thought process.
With respect to your insult: I'd like you to show more restraint in the future. This isn't the first time you've been warned for your tone and message.
Very heavy on the law'n'order, very militaristic. I'm extremely left-wing politically, so it rubs me up the wrong way.
And now we get to the more important part of this post:-
I'm sorry I insulted you. When I'm arguing about something, I tend to look at it as a battle you have to win, which is stupid. I then tend to try and browbeat the opposition into submission with high-handed insults, which is even more stupid. I won't say I didn't mean any offence because that'd be disingenuous, but I will definitely try to moderate my tone in future.
I'm an extremely angry person. It's a reason for a lot of my behaviour, not - and I wish to make this clear - even close to an excuse. There's this bubbling cauldron of frustration below the surface all the time and I can't always stop myself from boiling over, so a lot of the time I don't try. This is a stupid course of action, because it means I get into vicious circles that end up in apoplexy and loneliness.
Mostly, though, I think I lay into people a lot because I can't do it to myself. That and I have very little emotional intelligence.
Again, the important part: I'm sorry for what I said. It was stupid of me to say it and you deserve to be treated better than you have been by me.
Now let bygones be bygones and let's move on with our lives. No point in carrying around grudges or ill will, eh?
...and are you OK? You sound like you're really hurting with all that pent-up anger. Is there anything we can do to help?
And no, I'm not okay, and no, there really, really isn't. It's just something I have to live with, that's all.
...and I most certainly don't know what it's like being you but I will say this: do not "live with it". Take care of yourself.
I feel bad about spouting this platitude but you really shouldn't live your life in a constant state of anger. Nobody should be subject to that.
Genuinely, why bother trying to fix something that broken? My experiences with therapy have ranged from the useless to the actively harmful because I deflect and lie through my teeth and tell the poor sods trying to psychoanalyze me what I think they want to hear. You need to know when to cut your losses and focus on the stuff you can deal with. Not least because I'm constantly nervous of being thrown out on my ear when I seek pharmaceutical assistance for my problems and end up not taking the prescription.
Judging by your post, it looks like you want to dig yourself deeper too. That's no way to live. Like you said, it only leads to more anger and vicious circles that get you nowhere.
Again, I can only offer platitudes and clichés because I don't know anything about your situation but please: stop hurting yourself. You deserve better than this.
But I read a line like that and I get concerned. Now I do not know your situation, and I do not like to pry. People keep a degree of anonymity online for a reason. But from what I have read of the preceding conversation, I will say this.
First, as I do not know the specifics of your situation I cannot say exactly, but those emotions, attitudes, I have been down that road before, I was able to get through it. It took me nearly a decade to do it, but I managed. And I wish I had someone then to tell me some of what I learned now. It would have made things easier. But you do not have to do it alone. Trust me, I know, I tried for nearly a decade to work through the issues on my own. It did not work. Now I am not saying you need to see a psychologist or anything like that, but having anyone to talk to or with helps immensely.
Second, if it really is just about the pent up anger, what I did was I redirected it, in a controlled situation. I know that is pretty pithy advice, but without prying that's the most I can. But remember you do not need to work through it alone.
If this came off as preachy, I am sorry, I did not intend to do that. And I mean no offense by what I have said.
I'm just words on a screen attached to a username-- that's useless to you.
You deserve so much better than this.
No. No, I think you're wrong about that last bit.
Let's not get into a debate about worthiness and all that. I think we both know the other's position on this affair and I think we should walk away from this before this ends up as a "no, you" tennis match of posting.
I just want you to know that we all care.
Zeb's tail flicked in agitation. "I suppose you wouldn't be willing to not use that, either? Never mind, I already know the answer." He mentally cursed the fact that his old trainer had never taught him Fire Fang. Perhaps, assuming Owen wouldn't outspeed him, he could use Thunder Wave and paralyze him, then move in with Discharge? Lucario weren't known for their Special Defense... But then again, Luxray weren't that great with Special Attack...
He couldn't back down without looking like he'd just been bragging. He was a good fighter, and he would prove it, too. "I'll battle you."
"Let's move away from the rest of the group: no need to start tearing up their picnic, right?" said Owen as he moved away from the picnic area. He took a deep breath and focused on Zeb's Aura, looking for information on his opponent. Interesting, thought Owen as he sifted though the memories in the Luxray's Aura.
Very Electric-based attack setup. Thunder Fang, Shock Wave, Thunder Wave, Discharge, and the obvious Bite. He'll obviously try to paralyze me first and take advantage of my reduced speed. Zebby-zeb is probably going to try and spook me with his Intimidate too... Thunder Fang is going to hurt like no tomorrow... But what if I hit him with Earthquake right off the bat and dash away with Extreme Speed? He'll be disoriented and then I'll finish him off with another Earthquake from a distance, no sweat. Failing that... just power through the paralysis. I'm faster than Zebby-zeb anyways so I'll land the first hit. Sounds good.
He looked around. He was standing in the middle of a relatively flat plain with grass that came up to his knees. There were no rocks or trees or shrubs that could offer cover or obstacles to either fighter. "This looks like a good spot, doesn't it? Well then, I shall take this side and you'll go there. I'll even be a nice guy and let you make the opening move... if I don't outspeed you, that is."
- - -
Serious Lucario (Inner Focus): 252 Atk / 4 SpD / 252 Spe
Earthquake / Aura Sphere / Extreme Speed / Close Combat
Timid Luxray (Intimidate): 252 Atk / 4 Def / 252 Spe
Discharge / Thunder Fang / Shock Wave / Bite
Smogon's damage calculator predicts an intimidated Lucario winning with a 2HKO using Earthquake. Zeb has a chance of winning if Owen is immobilized for two consecutive turns-- which only has a 1/16 chance of happening. How do you want this fight to go?
((Let's just say the outcome was not expected.))
((This took place in the chat of the battle afterwards.))
Owen removed his vest and threw it to the side. "Come and get some, Rookie!"
Zeb gulped.
((And then, once again, the battle.))
Zeb stood there for a moment, stunned.
Owen raised his paw. "Rookie, get over here. There is a Revive in my vest's pocket. Give me one. Now".
Zeb scrambled to get the Revive. After a bit of digging (he'd never seen one before in his life), he finally retrieved it and handed it over.
Owen feebly took the Revive and ground it against his teeth. A surge of energy flooded the downed Lucario's body and he stood up, grinning. "Well done, Rookie. You got got me good."
"You're not hurt too badly, are you?" Zeb asked anxiously.
Owen dusted himself off and went over to his vest to buckle it back on. "I've felt worse." He rubbed his aching back and groaned. "By Arceus. That was one hell of a Thunder Wave you hit me with. Couldn't freaking move."
Zeb gave a nervous grin. "Lots of practice against Rose."
"It's for the best," said Owen, performing a stretch. "You have potential, Rookie. I'd be honoured to teach you some extra tricks."
Zeb was rather taken aback. "You'd... really be willing to do that?"
Owen straightened himself up and cracked his neck. "Sure. Maybe I could even learn a thing or two while I'm at it."
Zeb held out a paw.
Owen took the offered paw and shook it vigorously.
"No hard feelings, right?" Zeb asked.
Owen shook his head. "You might've had a point about meeting a tougher 'mon. I just hope that he'd be willing to cooperate with me."
Shame and embarrassment welled up in the defeated Lucario's mind. You couldn't even move, he thought. You are weak. Worthless. Full of Tauros dung. Disgusting. If this were an actual situation you would've failed your team. Idiot. You failed. You have every reason to hate yourself. Failure. You weren't raised to be some easily-beaten Magikarp. Look at yourself: an officer of the DIA unable to respond to a credible threat. Weakling. Failure.
He was silently thankful that Zeb couldn't read Auras. He was physically uncomfortable as it is: no need to add to the misery. Owen suddenly tripped and fell flat on his face. "Ow, sonnova... Buck! What are you doing here?"
The Skiddo, who had been napping on the ground, yawned without opening his eyes. "You know... resting," mumbled Buck. He cracked open an eye and beheld his partner. "You look awful. What happened to you?"
Owen put on his brave face again. "Zeb happened. We had a sparring match and he's shown himself to be a worthy opponent. I've taken him under my wing. Y'know, to give him some tips."
Buck didn't look impressed. "That's nice." He yawned and stood up on all fours. "I suppose that you'll be heading back to the picnic area? Meet you there..." said the Skiddo as he slowly drifted back towards Rina and company.
Owen looked at Zeb. "After you, Rookie."
He gave the Lucario an anxious glance. "You know, I really just got lucky with that. You would have won under normal circumstances, no doubt."
...tying to pass off his frown as a held-in sneeze. "After all, you're a legendary badfic slayer! If a single Lucario can stop you in your tracks, then you're a pretty bad Assassin!"
As the two Pokémon approached the picnic area again they were approached by Tacitus, who had dropped his disguise. The Zorua presented Zeb a note reading "Well done. This is quite the upset. Owen must be furious with himself right now."
"No, really, I'm proud to have met an equal," said Owen, forcing himself not to grit his teeth.
Zeb stopped short and turned to face the Lucario. "I can smell you're upset. Please, what's the matter?"
Owen could feel a Nasty Plot brewing in the back of his head but tried to keep a Calm Mind. He forced himself to breathe through his nose and keep his eyes froward. What would Victoria do? Besides not losing, you worthless failure. She'd keep calm. Be open. Learn from her mistakes. Commit seppuku.
"Alright. I'm sorry." He padded in silence over the grass, tail drooping. He didn't know what he'd done wrong, and Owen wasn't going to open up anytime soon, it looked like. He sighed, but perked up when he saw Rina waving frantically at him.
"You were awesome, Zeb!" she cried, holding her arms out. He internally winced, but allowed her to hug him. Rina let go fairly quickly and turned to Owen, smiling hugely. "A Lucario? I've always wanted to see one, they're my favorite Pokémon— no offense, Zeb— and I was kind of worried you'd rough him up."
---
((Rina stahp you're not helping))
...for Owen to resist grinding his teeth together at Rina's comment. He stood to attention and pulled a perfect salute for the Time Lady. "No harm done, Agent Dives. Zeb is a confident fighter-- you're very fortunate indeed to have him at your side." He extended a paw towards Rina. "Patrol Officer Owen, at your service. Behind me is Officer Buck..."
"Hey," said Buck, who was trying to figure out why Owen's body language was so off.
"...and if you carefully study your surroundings you might spot Agent Tacitus from Intelligence. Pleased to meet the Assassin who took down Rose Potter. That was quite an achievement!"
"I did half the work," she said, looking anywhere but the Lucario. "And Zeb's really the one who deserves the attention I've been getting." She didn't add the unwanted part. "But confident? Nah, not in the slightest. You should've seen how long it took him to get over the messiness that comes with killing Sues."
"Rina," Zeb muttered, "you're not helping."
"Sorry," Rina said, winking at him. She paused, looking thoughtful. "You guys are in the DIA, right? You ever meet the Guardsman?"
"He works in Special Response if I recall correctly-- Buck and I work in Patrol. Neither my trainer or I have really had interactions with the Guardsman other than catching glimpses of each other in public places."
"I've been told he's a pretty chill guy, though," said Buck. "But he's kinda weird when it comes to certain species of nonhuman agents. Some of 'em give him the heebie-jeebies."
"I guess I should've realized you wouldn't know each other. He's pretty cool, helped me get used to my new abilities and stuff after I came back from Rose." She scratched her ear, looking sheepish. "To be fair, I can't blame him about hating Daleks."
Zeb shuddered at the name. "We got... kind of captured by some and were nearly EX-TERM-INATED before Rina's boyfriend showed up— OW!"
Rina had swatted him on the shoulder. "Shut up," she said without even looking at him.
He looked at Buck. "What?"
The Skiddo stared back. "He means a mate. Dives is the life partner of some gentleman. They probably live together, eat together, go on missions together, sleep together, and copu... never mind." Buck noticed Rina's glare and stopped talking.
"So who is this boyfriend guy?" asked Owen. He looked to the side and grinned. "Is it him? He certainly is very dreamy."
From the side approached the Librarian. He was dressed in his usual black suit and brown overcoat and was holding a large bouquet of flowers. The Time Lord stopped in front of Rina, bowed his head, and offered the bouquet to her. Buck and Owen both looked at each other and grinned mischievously. It might look and walk like a Time Lord but it sure didn't smell like one.
...was the fact that he didn't smell right. He didn't smell like the Time Vortex; more like hot fur.
"You're that Zoruak I saw earlier, aren't you?" she said sourly. "You can drop the disguise, it's not funny."
Zeb was practically rolling in the grass and howling with laughter. "You should see the look on your face!" he gasped.
Rina put her head in her hands. "Zeb, when will you get a goddamn clue and realize I don't find it amusing?"
...leaving behind the rapidly retreating derrière of Tacitus, who had an evil grin plastered on his face.
Buck looked confused. "So wait. She doesn't actually like the tall guy?"
Owen shrugged. "Looks like it."
- - -
((Tacitus is a Tricky Fox Pokémon after all. He needs to live up to his species' name.))
"More like we've developed an intense mutual hatred of each other. Which some people can't seem to realize," Rina added, giving Zeb the stink-eye.
"You just don't want to believe my nose," Zeb shot back. "But one of these days, you'll realize I was right about you two all along."
"Your nose isn't anywhere near as good as mine and you're wrong," Rina said flatly. She looked at Owen and Buck and just shook her head.
---
((Zeb's actually lying through his teeth right now; the only thing he'd smell coming off of Rina in response to the Librarian is hatred. But he's turned into a ship troll. *shrugs* Shippers are weird, man.
And I'll turn in for the night. *waves*))
Buck looked nervously around at the still-giggling Luxray, the rather irritated Time Lady, and Owen who looked like he was repressing a primal urge to tear his own heart out with his bare paws. He was pretty sure he missed something important during his nap. Maybe he should actually try the Chesto berry diet that Benoît was trying to feed him instead of grazing and napping in the Courtyard every day.
Trying to change the topic, he said: "Did... um. Have you ever... um. Do you often... um."
Owen rolled his eyes. "Buck, if you don't have anything to say..."
The Skiddo harrumphed. "Well, excuse me for trying to liven up the place. You look like you're ready to explode. What exactly happened between you and Zeb?" Buck looked away from Owen, who was making grabby-choking motions at the Mount Pokémon. "Well? Why is he so upset?" he asked Zeb.
((It's Thubder Fang, Thunder Wave, Shock Wave, and Bite. Anyway, I'm in Writing and waiting. My brother has tennis so that means I don't have to get off the computer until 7:00.))
((It would have to wait an hour and a half, but why not let the RNGsus take the reins?))
((Sure, why not. I'll be on around 7:00pm tonight. Is that fine with you?))
((We usually eat dinner around 6:00, and I'm kicked off the computer after that.))
((So: 1 mon each, no items, movesets as described, right?))
((I'm currently in the middle of nowhere getting ready to help either break in a horse or oversee some little kids' riding lessons.))
((I'm in the middle of supper in an hour and a half and then I gotta do the dishes before they pile up. I'll try to get on before 6:00.))
((And of all else fails, I can try wheedling mom to let me stay on for another ten minutes.))
((Paralysis cuts your speed by 75%.))
((Zeb TFangs after the EQ. Parahax. Second TFang. GG. While you can't count on it happening, you specifically asked if Ix wanted to include hax. =] ))
((But hax are fine-- this is the PPC after all. Laws get broken around these parts.))
Hax is just a bit of Smogon slang for effect proc chances, crits, and similarly unlikely occurrences that crop up from time to time. TFang has a 10% chance to both paralyse and flinch, hence why I brought it up.
