"Pfft. Bows."

Subject: "Pfft. Bows."
Author: SeaTurtle
Posted on: 2015-04-05 03:38:00 UTC

"You get absolutely no armour penetration with a primitive thing like that," said the Guardsman, "unless you're using a super-heavy pull. Go for a crossbow instead: a quarrel can easily punch though mail or plate. Alternatively, just use a good old-fashioned gunpowder weapon if canon allows it. Well, you did say 'fantasy continua'... Probably no guns then. But seriously: learn how to shoot. I don't know about you but I'd rather have my good old staser rifle in my hands rather than a bow if push comes to shove. It's literally the difference between life and death in our line of work. Hey, if you ever need a weapon recommendation, I'm your man."

- - -

((Emiranlanoamar, AKA Mr-ask-me-anything-about-guns-and-I-can-write-a-dissertation-for-you))

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"Uh... er..." by Voyd on 2015-03-31 18:11:00 UTC Reply

Valon took a deep breath and started talking, surprisingly coherent. "You beat her. Even when she threw everything she had at you, you still beat her. She died, and, well... I suppose that makes YOU the girl who lived. And if it's any comfort, I know how scary powerful Sues can be. I got lucky on my second mission. You have your partner and his quick thinking to thank, not the gods and overpowers rolling the dice.

Rina's shoulders shook harder. by Iximaz on 2015-03-31 18:19:00 UTC Reply

And then she began to laugh. "I guess I am," she said. She sniffled and wiped her eyes on her jacket. "Aw Zeb, bless his heart. He really deserves another basket of Poffins."

Rina looked at her companions and gave them a watery smile. "Sorry about the meltdown," she said, wiping her eyes again with a now very damp sleeve. "Shoulda known better coming here just the day after Rose."

The Guardsman shook his head. by SeaTurtle on 2015-03-31 18:27:00 UTC Reply

"No, don't be sorry. You gave us a scoop on the Notary's life, you learnt of a way to become human again," he pointed at the pocket which held his notebook, "and you've got a friend in us. Always keep moving forward, Dives. No regrets."

Valon clapped his hands a few times. by Voyd on 2015-03-31 18:37:00 UTC Reply

"Amen. I feel honored to have met you!" He whistled a few notes, before singing again.

"Here's to us, here's to love
All the times that we messed up
Here's to you, fill the glass
'Cause the last few days have kicked my ass!
So let's give 'em hell, wish everybody well
Here's to us! Here's to us!
"No regrets," Rina echoed. by Iximaz on 2015-03-31 18:37:00 UTC Reply

"I... I think I can do that." She brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Might as well start getting used to things being like this for a while. No telling how long it'll be before I can become human again, so do you mind if I come by later? I know it's a bit sudden, but there's no telling when some obscure Time Lord thing might come in handy in the field and we've already been sent on one mission already."

"Hmmm..." by Voyd on 2015-04-01 00:31:00 UTC Reply

"You know, I've been wanting to ask this. Do Time Lords get hiccups?" Valon seemed sincerely curious.

The Guardsman arched an eyebrow. by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-01 03:05:00 UTC Reply

"Of course we do. We have diaphragms too, you know," said the Time Lord. "And what about you, human? I've heard from some people that you have this thing called 'love'. What is it and where do you find it?" he asked in the most deadpan way he could. "I've seen the movies. It's apparently the one thing that humans have that aliens don't."

"Actually, from what I've seen..." by Iximaz on 2015-04-01 03:17:00 UTC Reply

"We— uh, I mean, humans tend to be portrayed as the most adaptable of species." Rina bit back a laugh at the Guardsman's remark. "Or the most tenacious. Or both; it varies occasionally, but not often."

"Exactly." by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-01 03:29:00 UTC Reply

He gripped Rina's shoulder and leaned in to look at her face. "You humans-- yes, you too: you said this was only a temporary thing-- you have this joie de vivre that we aliens do not. We are old, inflexible, bound by arcane and outdated laws that we follow with laserlike precision, and masters of a decrepit and decaying empire. You are young, vivacious, occasionally hedonistic, and the best soldiers. Teach us, Ô great human. Teach us the meaning of life as you trek across the stars. Or something."

The Guardsman managed to keep his face remarkably free of a smile though his little speech.

Rina wasn't sure whether he was joking or not. by Iximaz on 2015-04-01 03:43:00 UTC Reply

At least up until the end, when she just giggled. "I don't know about all that. I mean, humans are just as capable of being inflexible and bound by outdated laws. Besides, if people believe they're supposed to act a certain way because of species, couldn't it become a self-fulfilling prophecy?"

A waiter came by with her soup at that moment and she turned eagerly to her food, only to spit it back out. "Eugh, that's nasty!" She pushed the bowl away, sighing. "Tomatoes used to be my favorite... this is gonna take getting used to."

"Yeah, that's the problem with regeneration." by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-01 03:55:00 UTC Reply

The Guardsman laughed. He made his way back to his seat and lifted his monster piece of pizza to his mouth. "Though I have a saying: when in doubt, turn to bacon." He wolfed down his pizza in ten seconds flat. "Well, I only came up with that saying a week ago when TB was grilling stuff as part of a motor skill test. You've had bacon before, right? Food of the gods, that is. Wash it down with a pot of black coffee while you're at it. Lemme tell ya, it really gets you going in the morning." He licked his fingers and looked at his BBQ wings. His eyes drifted towards Rina's soup. "Hey, are you gonna eat that?"

- - -

((He's absolutely shameless.))

"Want a slice of my pizza?" by Voyd on 2015-04-01 04:00:00 UTC Reply

Valon offered a slice to Rina. Exactly where the rest of it had disappeared to couldn't easily be explained. "It's got everything! Bacon, ham, pepperoni, sausage, peppers, pineapple, I think there's some olive in there... I kinda regret asking for everything now, I hate olives." Obviously, this much was true: all that remained of Valon's pizza, aside from the slice he was offering Rina, was a big mound of olives on his plate.

Rina pushed her soup over to the Guardsman... by Iximaz on 2015-04-01 08:46:00 UTC Reply

and eyed the giant plate of olives. "Those look really good," she said. "May I?"

To the Guardsman, she said, "Never used to eat bacon before I came to the PPC. Vegetarian, but I found out pretty quickly you can't afford to be picky, especially when it comes to Generic Food. That was one of the only nice things about Rose Potter. She plagiarized the hell outta the books, so the food was excellent."

"Knock yourself out." by Voyd on 2015-04-01 14:59:00 UTC Reply

Valon pushed the plate of olives in Rina's direction.

((Guess I'll go ahead and continue.)) by Iximaz on 2015-04-02 12:21:00 UTC Reply

Rina pulled the olives to herself and began picking at them with long fingers. "Awesome, thanks!" She swallowed and sighed happily. "Oh, that is good stuff."

To Valon, she said, "So, talk to me. What are your fandoms?"

To the Guardsman, she asked, "So, who's this TB you mentioned?"

((Whee trying to RP with two people))

"TB stands for Terabyte!" by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-03 00:53:00 UTC Reply

"AKA, my partner who-is-a-computer-program. It's a geth from the Mass Effect continuum: a collection of intelligent processes that form one cohesive entity. It's also been beefed up with some DoSAT software upgrades and... er... technology of a spoilery nature. It usually lives in my other partner's suit computer but it can use a robotic combat platform to move around and fight. Of course being a geth..." his voice trailed off. "Let's just say that it being a machine is a big part why it thinks it can get away with stupidly dangerous maneuvers. Naya and I are practically fixing its body on a daily basis!"

The Guardsman rummaged around his pockets and pulled out a photograph. "Here you go. This what TB's combat platform looks like. Neat, eh?"

- - -

((Picture.))

"Okay, that looks pretty cool." by Iximaz on 2015-04-03 01:09:00 UTC Reply

Rina examined the picture for another moment before catching on to what the Guardsman said. "Other partner? Desdendelle mentioned a quarian or some such. Is that him? Or her? Or it, I suppose I should add."

"Naya is the quarian." by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-03 03:24:00 UTC Reply

"And she'd very much object to being called an 'it'!" said the Guardsman, laughing. "Only TB goes by 'it'. Quote-- 'I am an artificial life form. Biological sex or gender has absolutely no meaning for me'." The Guardsman mowed through a basket of garlic bread before speaking again. "Like I said, TB usually lives in Naya's enviro-suit computers. She's a quarian-- a humanoid race that comes from a planet named Rannoch. Unfortunately for her race, their immune systems are extremely weak compared to other life forms. Now, there's two reasons for this. Firstly, Rannoch has no insect life. This restricts how viruses and diseases can spread so everything evolved to be symbiotic: quarians adapt around diseases instead of fighting them head-on. Secondly, they've been living in aseptic environments for hundreds of years. There was a big geth uprising on Rannoch-- the geth were used as slaves but their AI eventually gained sentience, see-- and the quarians lost the Morning War. Since they couldn't just colonize any old planet because of their weak immune systems, they travelled around the galaxy in a massive armada while living in bacteria-free suits. A minor infection could actually spell doom for them," explained the Guardsman. He took a big gulp of water and poured himself another glass.

"Fortunately, Terabyte and Naya get along very well. It lives in her suit, making minute adjustments to the atmosphere she's breathing to slowly build up her immune system. According to their numbers, Naya should be able to roam HQ without her suit in five to six years. That being said... I've never actually seen Naya's face. It's really weird to say this, but that's the truth. She wears an opaque visor over her face; you can only kinda see her eyes glow behind it. It's so weird. "

- - -

(( What they actually look like.))

Rina held up her hands in apology. by Iximaz on 2015-04-03 03:41:00 UTC Reply

"Sorry, I'm totally unfamiliar with Mass Effect," she said. "I really ought to look into it, though, I've heard it's good."

She finished off the olives and watched sadly as the garlic bread disappeared into the Guardsman's mouth. "But wow, five or six years? That's..." She was about to say 'a long time', then realized she would probably sound naive. "Um, not bad? Ooh, it kind of reminds me of War of the Worlds! Have you ever read it? I found it a couple of years ago and loved it. It's..." She frowned. "Huh, that's... odd, I don't remember."

The Guardsman's brow furrowed. by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-04 18:48:00 UTC Reply

"Hmm.. that title tells me something. It's the one with the tripod mechs with heat beams that are eventually defeated by bacteria, right? That's an advertisement for bacteriological warfare if I've ever seen one," said the Guardsman. "Funnily enough, the combat walkers actually sound like a Reaper and its magnetohydrodynamic gun."

The Guardsman took another gulp of water. "And you should definitely pick up Mass Effect if only to learn more about their weapon tech. They have these guns which are essentially mass accelerators and they fire bullets the size of sand particles at hypersonic velocities. I head the concept is catching on in DIA: we received a crate of fifty M-8 rifles a couple of days ago and they're selecting Special Response officers to field test them. You should pick one up too-- if you've got the money. Those things handle really well: my partner has an older model but it's unlike anything I've ever shot before. Great accuracy, hits like a truck, and the fire selector is just right for left handers." He waved at Rina with the hand in question. "But... it's still not as good as the Time Lord stuff. We've got lasers."

- - -

((Sorry for the delay-- Real Life is encroaching on my free time. I don't think I might be able to make the PPC Pokémon Tournament...))

"Ooh, I do like lasers." by Iximaz on 2015-04-04 23:21:00 UTC Reply

Rina grinned. "Especially sharks with frickin' laser beams and automated laser monkeys. Those are fun. Shame I tend to get missions in fantasy continuua; I've never worked with anything more dangerous than a bow. Mind you, I'm pretty good with them," she added.

((No worries. Hopefully you'll be able to make it next year.))

"Pfft. Bows." by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-05 03:38:00 UTC Reply

"You get absolutely no armour penetration with a primitive thing like that," said the Guardsman, "unless you're using a super-heavy pull. Go for a crossbow instead: a quarrel can easily punch though mail or plate. Alternatively, just use a good old-fashioned gunpowder weapon if canon allows it. Well, you did say 'fantasy continua'... Probably no guns then. But seriously: learn how to shoot. I don't know about you but I'd rather have my good old staser rifle in my hands rather than a bow if push comes to shove. It's literally the difference between life and death in our line of work. Hey, if you ever need a weapon recommendation, I'm your man."

- - -

((Emiranlanoamar, AKA Mr-ask-me-anything-about-guns-and-I-can-write-a-dissertation-for-you))

"Well, Sues tend to not wear armor." by Iximaz on 2015-04-05 12:48:00 UTC Reply

"And even if they did, my longbow's got a ninety pound draw to it. There's not much it can't pierce."

Rina did look thoughtful, though. "I do know how to shoot guns thanks to my dad, and I was actually pretty good at it. Might not be anymore, though. I'm a bit out of practice. And the Flowers sent us on two Doctor Who missions a few hours ago, so it might be worth looking into getting a staser... I'm assuming there are different models, right? Which would you recommend?"

The Guardsman cracked his knuckles. by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-05 18:07:00 UTC Reply

He was waiting for someone to ask him this question. He pulled his trusty notebook from his pocket again and opened it to a dog-eared page labelled "D.E.W". He carefully turned a few pages and stopped once he reached a page marked with a hand-drawn seal of Rassilon. The Gallifreyan solemnly turned the page and showed Rina a sketch of a staser rifle.

"Staser rifle, mark seven," said the Guardsman in a reverent tone. "The Time Lords' answer to the Dalek gunstick. Single, three-round burst, and automatic fire modes. Integrated flashlight, foregrip, and compatibility with a standard-issue Gallifreyan army helmet HUD. Near-infinite power source tucked inside-- but that's classified information. Lethal to all forms of organic matter and capable of punching though a centimetre thick Dalekanium panel. Also features a stun function if you need less-than-lethal rounds. Rugged, accurate, and powerful. Truly the pinnacle of weapons technology." The Guardsman sighed to himself. "Unfortunately, these things are rare in the PPC. As far as I know, the only way you can get your hands on one is picking one up from a Time War badfic or acquiring one from the DIA armoury-- but you need to be a patrol or SR officer to do so."

He turned the page. "Staser machine pistol, mark four. While not as powerful as the full-blown rifle-- it can't penetrate Dalekanium-- it's an effective anti-organic weapon with an automatic fire option. We call it 'the unsewing machine'. It relies on battery packs for power so make sure you have a couple of 'em on hand if things get dicey. This thing also has a stun function. Once again, very difficult to find here but much less so than the rifle. Big Murphy sells some for an insane amount of cash."

Flip. "Staser pistol, mark two. This is the one that was issued at the start of the Time War-- I think this is what Antrilovorasilendar carries. Double action only, battery pack powered, stun or lethal settings. Nothing to write home about but this thing is widely available in the PPC. If I were you, I'd get one of these."

"Staser pistol, mark two," Rina repeated. by Iximaz on 2015-04-05 22:07:00 UTC Reply

"Gotcha." She looked longingly at the picture of the staser rifle, mark seven, making a mental note to keep an eye out for one anyway. That sounded pretty sweet. It would certainly be nice to have something like that for backup. "Like I said, don't know how often I'll get to use it, but thanks a ton."

She drummed her fingers on the table. "Anything interesting happen in the DIA recently?"

"Ugh. Long day." by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-05 23:41:00 UTC Reply

The Guardsman picked at a chicken wing. "Naya, Terabyte, and I were called on four times today. The first three were pushovers but the fourth one was a real piece of work. She was this ninja-Suvian that had somehow gotten herself into the Courtyard and was trying to tame Agent Alice for use as a noble steed in her one-woman overthrow of the PPC. When we get there, the Courtyard's stable is really, really quiet. TB picks up one non-equine life for hiding in there so we move in really carefully, yeah? As soon as we clear the door," the Guardsman mimed something falling on him, "she jumped on my head, tried to slit my throat on the way down but missed, and rolled out of the way. So she then she pulls out these throwing stars out of her ninja outfit and manages to hit Naya with all four of 'em but they bounce off her suit's shields. Naya pulls out her Carnifex, takes a few shots at her but she leaps high into the air and then lands on TB."

The Guardsman made a ripping motion with his hands. "Ninja-Sue freaking pulls TB's spinal cables out and then looks at us. Now, we're crapping out pants now because Ninja-Sue just ripped the strongest, most reinforced cable in TB's platform with her bare hands. So we rush her-- if she crushes Terabyte's hard drives it's game over-- and she pulls out a short sword and goes for the mêlée kill on us. She opens with a stab on me, I knock it out of the way with my rifle, and Naya goes for the Omni-tool stab but misses. And then she did this," he twisted his arm, "and grabs Nana's arm and breaks it. I can't even describe it; that move shouldn't even be possible but... Suvians, amirite? So she then turns to me and dashes over before I can even shoulder my rifle. She picks me up with one hand-- one hand mind you-- and throws me out of one of the stable's windows. I land outside and by some miracle I'm still holding my mark seven. I push myself off the ground and run to the window. I peek inside and Ninja-Sue has Naya pinned to the ground and is just going ham on her, like, bare-fisted." The Guardsman mimed raising a rifle and firing a shot. "Boom. Just like at the range."

The Guardsman reclined in his chair. "So that's one dead Sue, Alice inconvenienced but OK, TB's body out of commission again-- thank the gods its hard drives were still intact-- Naya in Medical with a broken everything, and I was defenestrated." He grinned. "Defenestrated. I always wanted to use that word! So yeah, that's my day at work. How about you?"

Rina's mouth was open through the Guardsman's story. by Iximaz on 2015-04-06 03:44:00 UTC Reply

"Wow, and here I thought field agents had it rough," she said, shaking her head. "There go any future plans of joining the DIA after the DMS gets too rough. At least in the fics, you can anticipate when's a good time to attack."

She readjusted her goggles. "Anyway, not much has really happened since getting back from R-Rose Potter—" She stumbled a bit over the name. "—other than getting sent into two Doctor Who missions one right after the other. I swear, the Sues were all but identical. Both claimed to be the Doctor's daughter, both were carrying laser spanners, both swere supposedly two hundred years old, both claimed the surname Smith, both started in "The Empty Child", and both tried to suck Captain Harkness into Twu Wuv. Only difference was that one had an ice gun and the other suggested throwing Rose out the airlock. At least they went down fairly easily, but lemme tell you, the first time, my partner was more nervous than a turkey on Thanksgiving. Thought the Sue would explode on him, though to be fair, I did kind of destroy the Gryffindor sixth year girls' dorm, so... yeah." She grinned. "Pretty easy stuff considering what we got back from yesterday."

"I hope you looted that tech," said the Guardsman. by SeaTurtle on 2015-04-07 02:15:00 UTC Reply

"Seriously. Laser spanners are rare but useful-- and that ice gun sounds totally sweet. And what are the odds, eh? Two near-identical Suvians, two near-identical plots... All of this happening right after your debacle, hm? The Flowers aren't making this easier for you, right? You poor, unlucky sonnova gun." He drummed his fingers on the table. Surely there had to be some other way he could help this girl other than just being available for a talk. She-- and her partner by extension-- were probably in a bad place physically and emotionally right now. What could he possibly do to help? An idea came to him. He clapped his hands together and grinned.

"You know," he said, "speaking of tech... did you keep the laser spanner? If you're thinking of using it as a mêlée weapon, it's rubbish. Don't do that. What you need is a proper Gallifreyan weapon..." He leaned towards the junior Time Lady. "Agent Dives, may I interest you in a mark four pistol instead? I'm sure you'll find it very useful against the Suvians Upstairs seems to throw at you. It might take me a few days to scrounge up the cash but I have a DIA discount at Big Murphy's and some tech to trade in. Whaddya say?"

- - -

((I'm starting to run out of steam here-- also running out of free time. University exam season is upon me over here. What do you say we start wrapping this up?))

"Knowing this place, the odds are pretty good." by Iximaz on 2015-04-07 03:33:00 UTC Reply

"I did manage to nab one of the laser spanners and the ice gun, but I gave them to my brother. He's in the DoSAT and loves that kind of stuff, and I was kind of hoping it would make breaking the news a bit easier."

Rina was temppted to accept the Guardsman's offer, but from what he said, it sounded like it was expensive. "Well... I don't know. I appreciate it, I really do, but I'm sure the Flowers will stop sending us into Doctor Who once they think we've learned our lesson." She didn't bother trying to hide the bitterness in her voice. "Besides, I don't know when I'd be able to learn how to use it effectively."

((And yeah, this is starting to drag a bit... I'll play along with whatever you decide. You're going for a doctorate, right? Either way, good luck with exams!))

"Hope you have a lot of time on your hands..." by Voyd on 2015-04-02 14:02:00 UTC Reply

"Because the list is bloody long."

Valon took a deep breath and started down the long list he'd mentally prepared.

((Go ahead and check out my user page on the Wiki for a full list.))

"... and I just recently started Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha and Gravity Falls. I've seen three episodes of each, so no spoilers please." He bared his trademark grin. "Super-sparkly girly power is really fun to look at. So much flash."

"I've never seen either of those, sorry." by Iximaz on 2015-04-03 01:13:00 UTC Reply

"But hey, at least it means I can't spoil you on accident! I mean, last time I talked to my parents, I accidentally spoiled the ending to Farscape for them. I totally forgot time flows differently there."