Subject: "By Arceus, he's almost as clueless as Maxwell."
Author:
Posted on: 2015-02-22 19:55:00 UTC
"No. No. Done. Not touching this anymore. Bye-bye."
"Owen, get back here this instant." Victoria glared at her partner until he came back. "Now... Zeb. Just to make sure we're on the right page, you do know where eggs come from and how they're made, right?"
"Oh, this should be good."
"Owen, quiet."
If Zeb had been in possession of fingers, he would have tugged at his collar. "N-no, nothing's on your nose," he stammered. Now that Maxwell had drawn his attention again, it was hard to look away. Oh Arceus, not now with a Psychic-type and an Aura reader! Clear thoughts. Um, Murtagh saving Eragon from the Ra'zac. Hermione brewing the Polyjuice Potion. Cute Jolteon sitting right next to me—ARGH! He shook himself. "Nothing on the rest of your face, either," he said quickly.
((Oh dear, I do hope this is alright with you. :P ))
"But what's on your mind is... interesting," said Owen as he tried to keep a straight face. "Anything you want to share, Rookie? Spit it out, don't be shy."
Victoria glanced from the increasingly nervous Luxray to the not-quite-sure-what-was-going-on Jolteon. She noticed how Zeb looked at Maxwell and put two and two together. The Gardevoir put a hand over her mouth to try and conceal her smile.
Maxwell, completely oblivious to what was going on, shrugged and leaned closer to Zeb. "You feeling all right, man? You look weird. Can I help you or anything?"
- - -
((I don't mind at all. This is hysterical. ))
As it was, the room seemed to be growing hotter by the second as the Jolteon leaned in. Zeb leaned away.
Oh no oh no oh no... he thought. He tried to talk, but the only sound he could make was a strangled sort of sputtering. He leaned back further still-
He fell over and hit the floor with a soft thud. Luckily, his thick mane saved his head from the collision, though the same couldn't be said of his dignity. He just wanted to disappear through the floor.
Maxwell and Buck positioned themselves on either side of Zeb's head, looking concerned.
"Hey, Zeb. Get up," said Maxwell, prodding the Assassin's nose with a paw. "It's not nap time yet. You'll ruin your sleep cycle!"
"Max... I don't think he's sleeping," said Buck as Zeb continued to gibber on the floor. The Skiddo turned to Victoria as she crouched next to him. "Should we get him outside?"
"Good idea," replied Victoria. "Owen, get on his other side and help me. We're going to lift him up to all fours and walk him out. Ready? One, two... three. Up, up!"
The Lucario and the Gardevoir hoisted the DMS agent to his paws. "Go on, Rookie. We've got you," said Owen. "Hey, Maxwell! Make yourself useful and go and tell his partner that he'll be stepping outside for a few moments."
Maxwell nodded and dashed off towards Rina's table.
Buck watched the Jolteon dash off and his two other partners support a weak-kneed Zeb. "So... I'll just go back to napping, I guess?" he said to himself.
- - -
Zeb was more than a little relieved when Maxwell left to talk to Rina. He tried to shake off the other Pokemon. "Thank you for your concern, but I assure you it is unnecessary."
Across the room, Rina glanced at Zeb and hid a grin in her mug.
((You're right, this is way too much fun.))
...but stayed close to him. "Hey, Rookie. I just wanna let you know that if you want to go after Maxwell... it's gonna be awkward. He still doesn't know himself if you know what I mean. Or where eggs come from for that matter."
Victoria's head whipped toward Owen. "I thought you were supposed to tell him!"
"No, we agreed that me telling him was a Bad Idea," said Owen. "You were supposed to have the talk with him!"
"Is this suddenly my fault now? Heavens above! You said back then that it'd be less and I quote 'awkward' if it came from another male!"
Owen grinned. "I got an idea. How about we let the Rookie explain the Pidgeys and the Beedrills to Maxwell? He's clearly interested, so how about we kill two Murkrows with one stone?"
- - -
((This can only end in disaster.))
"The Pidgeys and the Beedrills? What in all the multiverse are you talking about?" He had a vague idea that it didn't mean anything good, if it was anything like Rina's passing mention to 'the birds and the bees' and her stammered promise to tell him what it meant later.
A light seemed to suddenly go off in his head. "Are you talking about the thing Sues do with their 'Lust-Objects'?" he asked. His eyes widened. "Oh. Oh. Oh dear."
((I couldn't agree more! Cage? Take it away!))
"No. No. Done. Not touching this anymore. Bye-bye."
"Owen, get back here this instant." Victoria glared at her partner until he came back. "Now... Zeb. Just to make sure we're on the right page, you do know where eggs come from and how they're made, right?"
"Oh, this should be good."
"Owen, quiet."
"...I know they come from a mother and a father Pokemon...." Zeb swallowed. "Um, something about mating? Whatever that is. I've heard that word used before."
((Dear god I can't stop giggling.))
"...of the same egg group," said Victoria. "And you do know how the mating process goes, right? Owen, stop laughing."
Buck chose this instant to wake up from his nap. "Whuzzat? Mating? Are we talking about sex now? What's going on?"
- - -
((Dammit, Buck.))
"...oh. Okay." Zeb was certain his face was a bright red beneath all his fur. "Well, um, I've never actually seen- that is to say, I've not become familiar- Look, I work in Mary Sues, not Bad Slash! And my partner is underage, that's probably why we haven't dealt with... stuff..." He trailed off, swallowing.
"Oy vey. I don't know if I should laugh, cry, or do both. So the Rookie does know what we're talking about. Okay. So, Zeb, as I was saying: you can theoretically explain this to Maxwell, right?"
"No, categorically not," shot back Victoria. "Besides, it's not something a quasi-stranger should try and teach someone else. That's just... creepy."
At that moment, Maxwell rejoined the group. "Hey guys, what did I miss?"
"Well, we were talking about sex and if Zeb knew what it was so that he could explain it to you or something," said Buck, "but I'm not too sure what's going on at the moment so I'll just watch and-- Owen? Why are you laughing?"
- - -
((Victoria's state of mind at the moment, as explained though submarine metaphor.))
Zeb put his paws over his eyes.
((If you were wondering, this is what he's thinking right now.))
...Buck's bleary stare, to Victoria pinching what was ostensibly her nose under her hair, to Owen caught in a hysterical laughing fit, to Zeb covering his face in shame. The Jolteon mouthed Buck's last words to himself, trying to guess what this "sex" thing was from context. From the looks of it, it was something highly shameful and personal. Best not to pry into it, he thought.
"Go... go on!" gasped Owen through his laughter. "Explain it!"
"All right, I've had enough," said Victoria sharply as she grabbed Buck by the horn and Owen by an ear. She proceeded to pull both 'mons away from the table and towards the pub's exit."You two need a time-out. Buck, you stay awake and pay attention. Owen, no fuelling the fire."
Maxwell watched as his partners made their way past him and watched them leave the pub. "Hey, Zeb? What's going on?"
- - -
((Set phasers to awkward. I'm so sorry for what I'm putting Zeb through at the moment.))
Zeb swallowed as the realization hit that his only hopes of coming out of this with any sort of dignity left were now gone.
He looked down at Maxwell. "N-not much," he said, smiling awkwardly. "What's, uh, going on with you?"
"Well, y'know. The usual. Looks like the other three had a fight over something. What exactly did you have to explain to me?"
- - -
((Don't fail me, Zeb.))
"They wanted me to tell you where eggs come from!" he blurted. Very loudly.
Across the room, Rina spat out her hot chocolate. "What?" she yelped.
"They mean Pokemon eggs, right?" Alex yelled, ignoring the fact that there was a rather large crowd to hear. "Well, when you get two Pokemon in the daycare, there's a possibility they'll take a fancy to one another and-"
Zeb turned and glared at the boy, his eyes flashing. "Shut. Up," he growled.
Benoît briefly excused himself from his conversation with Falchion and turned around to see the source of the commotion. He saw an absence of three members of his team, a puzzled Jolteon, and a Luxray that seemed ready to explode at a boy sitting at the table Maxwell had crashed into several minutes beforehand.
"What."
The Kalos man wasn't quite sure how to react to this particular situation. Might as well start with him, then, he reasoned, turning towards Zeb. "Er, Assassin? Do you... er... Do you want to take this outside? I think it might be better for you," he added, eyeing the crowd.
- - - 
"M-Maxwell," he began, fumbling with his words, "would you... um... wouldyougoforawalkwithme?"
~~~
"So, where d'you wanna go? The hallways? No-- too boring. Courtyard? No-- I just worked there. It's boring. Ooh! I know! We could try to find the pool! Race you to the exit! Threetwoonego!"
And with that Maxwell zoomed off towards the pub's exit.
Benoît looked at Zeb. "Uh... Not quite sure what happened between you two, but have fun, I guess."
- - -
((Quick question: have you figured out what Maxwell's name refers to?))
Zeb swallowed nervously and followed Maxwell out of Rudi's. He had to look behind him several times to reassure himself nobody was watching. Well, nobody aside from Benoît and Rina.
"Maxwell, please wait for me," he called once the door was safely shut behind him. "Tell me a little about yourself?"
((I have this evil grin on my face...))
Maxwell was a little distracted by a flicker of movement that may or may not have been the heads of a Gardevoir, a Lucario, and a Skiddo ducking around a corner but he focused on the question as he started to walk down the hall in the opposite direction. "Well. I come from Kalos, Benoît is my trainer, I'm a Jolteon, and I like running. Is that what you're talking about?"
- - -
((Presenting Maxwell's equations for electrodynamics.
I'm a physics student. Sue me.))
when he saw the yellow-outlined figured behind it. He forced himself to ignore them.
"Yes, that sort of thing," he said. "I'm from Sinnoh, and my favorite Poffins are sweet. I've recently become acquainted with the Inheritance Cycle and really enjoyed that. Have you ever read it?"
"I work all day in the Courtyard and most of my time off is either training exercises or eating. Besides, words without pictures are boring, don't you think?" Maxwell took a look at the RC numbers and shook his head. "Nah, the pool won't be here. Numbers are too familiar. We need to go further."
He saw Zeb squint down the hall at the suspicious corner. "Hey, whatcha lookin' at?"
* * *
"Oh, there's no way he didn't see us," said Owen. "He's a Luxray. They've got X-ray vision or something."
"So?" said Buck. "We've got the right to be concerned for our friend."
"We don't have the right to spy on him, though!" hissed Victoria. "Leave it, Owen."
The Lucario ignored her. "Where are they going? There's just RCs down that hallway."
- - -
((Ugh, Eragon. A nasty excuse of a protagonist if I ever saw one.))
Zeb nodded at the wall. "Your friends are watching us. No idea why." That last part was a blatant lie, but how on Earth was he supposed to explain why the other Pokémon were following them?
He looked at the RC numbers. "Yes, I remember seeing these before. How long do you want to explore before we give up? Nobody has ever found the pool, from what I've heard."
((Seriously though, Eragon's an asshole. Pardon my French.))
"Hah! Classic Owen. He's paranoid but in a good way: if I ate a Poké puff every time he correctly predicted a trap or where a bad guy was I'd be fat! Nah, he's just looking out for me but I can already imagine Victoria yelling after him..." He continued in silence for a few seconds, periodically looking at the RC numbers. "And yeah, I know that nobody ever found the pool but just imagine-- if I'm the one to find it, I'll be famous! Hm. Let's go left here. I don't recognize this area of HQ. Even if we don't find the pool today we can always meet up another time and look again, right?"
((Do you mind if I drop a certain inebriated someone in in a fitting moment?))
They walked in a companionable silence for what felt like several minutes. At least, Zeb hoped it was companionable to Maxwell. Really, he was just trying to think of something to say.
"So," he began. "Had any interesting, uh, missions lately? Aside from the Shaymin cloning?"
Someone — wearing a brown longcoat over a formal black suit — towered over the two Pokémon. He was holding a rectangular, vaguely orange bottle in one hand; they could probably read its label (Cointreau — l’Esprit d’Orange, Harmonie, subtile et naturelle des Ecorces d’Oranges Douces et Amères.) despite the dust that covered it.
“Surely I am seeing things.” He took another swig and hiccupped gently.
Zeb was momentarily startled by the man's seemingly sudden appearance. "Can we help you?"
...the DIA officer stood up straighter and held his head high in the air. "Good evening, agent!" he said in a cheery voice. "No, you're not seeing things. I'm Maxwell, this is my not-very-official-deputy Zeb, and if you look very quickly at the corner behind me you might see Officer Owen or Buck. So, what can we do for you?"
* * *
Owen and Buck plastered themselves against the wall as soon as Maxwell mentioned their names. "How did he know? I could've sworn we were stealthy about it!" Owen adjusted his ballistic vest in hopes that it might somehow make less noise as he moved.
"Dunno," whispered Buck. "I think he's got a sixth sense or something."
"You two are you of your mind," said Victoria angrily. "Get back to Rudi's or I'll make you go there!"
"Shh! There's this drunk hobo-looking guy talking to Maxwell and I can't quite-- HHHK!"
Victoria grabbed Owen by his vest's collar and forcibly yanked him away from the corner. "Stand down. Or else. You too, Buck."
"All right, fine. Get off me," grumbled Owen as he pushed away Victoria's arm and grudgingly plodded back where he came from.
