Subject: Somebody knocked at the door of RC 22.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-05-04 10:59:00 UTC

"Just a minute, I'm coming."

Gaspard, who was seated in front of the television watching The Day of the Doctor, grabbed the remote and paused the DVD. The Spy quickly made his way to the door and cracked it open. "Yes... um... hello?"

Through the gap he saw himself-- or rather a taller, cleaner, and more muscular version of himself wearing a black three-piece suit. The Other Gaspard smiled and shoved the muzzle of a Five-seven pistol into Gaspard's nose.

"Excuse me, may I come in?" asked the Other, his voice smooth and slightly reminiscent of Pierce Brosnan. "I'd just like to have a quick chat with you."

Gaspard very slowly opened the door. The Other lowered his firearm and briskly entered the Response Centre. "Ah, fascinating. I always wondered what my living space would look like if I were a different man. Well, when I say different, I mean sad and alone and unimportant. Look at this. So spartan! Table with chairs, couch with TV, smaller table with stuff on it, half-stocked kitchenette over there, bedroom over there, bathroom there. Back at my pad, I've at least got some decorations up. You should do that too, son. Livens up the place. Oh, come on. Don't just stand by the door looking like you just saw a ghost! Come, sit!" the Other gestured towards the couch in front of the television with his pistol. "Oh, and close the door too. Lock it, please. I don't want any interruptions during these talks."

"Er... right." said Gaspard quietly, gently closing the door and fumbling with the lock with his suddenly very cold and sweaty fingers. He stiffly walked back towards the couch as the Other pulled a folding stool from his Satchel of Holding. As Gaspard took a seat on his couch, the Other sat on the stool and put his legs up on the coffee table, kicking away the neat stacks of notes and DVDs as he did so.

"Firstly," said the Other, producing a flask from his satchel, "I would like to apologize for the brusque entry. I like to think I am a gentleman, but sometimes there needs to be a little force applied in the right places for things to happen." He took a swig from the flask and offered it to Gaspard. "Firewhiskey. Want some?"

"Oh, no, that's okay," said Gaspard, blinking sweat out of his eyes. "You said you wanted to talk?"

"Yes. Now, second order of business..." the Other put his flask back in his satchel, pulled a smartphone from his pockets, and snapped a picture of Gaspard with it. "Thank you. Tomoko is gonna get a real laugh out of this. Into the bag it goes. You know, alternate me-- you that is-- you're really ugly. Like, really fekking ugly. How do you live with yourself, son?"

The Spy's mouth worked silently for a few seconds. "Uh... I don't... what?"

"No, seriously. You got acne out of the wazoo, a crooked nose, ugly eyes-- which look like some sort of mud brown colour to me-- stupid haircut, and even stupider bowtie. What the heck, man? Wear a tie like a real man!" The Other pointed to his simple black tie with the muzzle of this Five-seven. "Did you buy it yourself?"

"N-no. It w-was a gift." said Gaspard, trying to keep his voice steady.

The Other stared at his "host", then at his pistol. He made a sudden movement with this firearm and Gaspard dodged accordingly. "Oh. Still worried about this thing, right? Like I said, I'm a gentleman. No need to feel threatened among alternate selves, eh?" The Other thumbed the magazine release and let the mag clatter to the floor. He then pulled sharply on the slide and caught the ejected cartridge in midair. To finish, he pointed the unloaded pistol at Gaspard and pulled the trigger. "CLICK! Ha ha! You should see your face! Ha ha ha... ah. Now that I'm disarmed, you should do the same. Oh, don't play stupid with me. We're the same person, you and I! I know we both have weapons on us. I put aside my pistol, you do the same to yours. No funny business, eh?"

Gaspard very slowly reached into his Adventure Pouch strapped to his belt and pulled out a Webley Mk VI revolver. He broke the revolver in half to show it was unloaded and set it on the table. The Other arched an eyebrow and picked it up.

"A revolver? Really? You're ugly and stupid. Sheeeit, don't you want a semi-automatic by your side?"

"It's not what I'm supposed to do," said Gaspard. "I'm a Spy. I'm just there to see the sights, not kill loads of people. A revolver reminds me that what firepower I have is limited and should not be used wastefully."

The Other shrugged and started playing with the Webley's hammer. "Yeah, so? I'm a Spy too. Recon Department: first ones in, last ones out. If something doesn't fit in a fic, we shoot it dead! The Assassins take out the stragglers and BAM! The Word World has been saved. That's not how it works for you guys? No? Man, this world sucks. Oh, personal questions: ever had a girlfriend? Been promoted? Had lots of friends? Killed something, maybe?" The Other put the revolver back on the table and stared at his alternate self over steepled fingers.

"Er.... none of the above...?" said Gaspard.

"Not even a kill? I thought we were in the business of removing unwanted influences from worlds. What good is someone who can't fight?"

The Spy stared at his Webley lying on the table. "

"I just wanted to know how much of a loser you are. I'm hopping from AU to AU, interviewing all my alternate selves, and you're the biggest loser so far. Look, more evidence," the Other pointed to the fallen stack of DVDs. "You watch My Little Pony. Hey, where is your fedora?"

"Look, did you specifically come here to insult me or do you have something else to do?"

The Other struck a mock pensive pose. "Hm... You're fun to screw with, but really boring. I should go. Well, I can't say this has been a pleasure. I've met the most pathetic me yet. Maybe the next one will be a bit more interesting. Toodle-oo."

With that, the Other scooped his Five-seven off the table, retrieved the magazine from the floor, and put the parts in his suit's front pocket. He folded the stool back up and tucked it under his arm as he walked towards the door.

Gaspard suddenly grabbed his revolver in one hand and pulled a speedloader from his Adventure pouch. He pushed the six bullets into the cylinder using the device and snapped the revolver shut. The Spy quickly rose from his seated position and pointed the gun at his doppelgänger. "Stop right there. You're not allowed to leave. Any suspicious move and I'll shoot."

The Other stopped with one hand on the lock. "You're too much of a coward to shoot me. You never killed anything before, so why start now?" he asked without turning around.

"You are a threat to the PPC. I'll stop you."

"I'll be travelling to another universe in a couple of minutes. Sure, some of my kind are out in the hallways, but agents from your universe should clean them up quickly. I promise I won't cause trouble."

Click. Gaspard had thumbed the revolver's hammer. "I'm serious. If you know what's good for you, surrender now."

"I don't think so. Goodbye." the Other unlocked the door and twisted the doorknob.

"All right," said Gaspard, lowering the revolver. "I guess that means Yakov can take care of you instead."

"What--"

The Other unlocked the door and pulled it open. At that moment, the RC's bathroom door exploded outwards and let through Yakov Minin, wand drawn, yelling "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

The Other's arms and legs snapped together, causing him to fall backwards. The Russian wizard ran over to the Stu's body and dragged it away from the door while Gaspard locked the door again and shoved a nearby table in front of it for good measure. Once the PPC agents caught their breath, they looked at each other and grinned.

"That was a really lucky time to go for a bathroom break, right?" chuckled Yakov, twirling his wand around his fingers. "Didn't even notice me in there. I heard everythin' that poor sod said to ya. Rude fellow, isn't 'ee?"

"Indeed he is, sir," said Gaspard, wiping the cold sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. "Your timing is impeccable, as always. What should we do with him?"

"I say hand him to DMSER. It's where 'ee belongs, right? We don't get lots of agent look-alike Suvians, do we?"

"Agreed, sir. I should message the DIA while I'm at it: he mentioned others in the hallways."

"Do it, man. Afterwards, 'ow about we finish that movie?"

"Sounds good, sir."

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