What is the closest scrape you've ever been in?
E: There was a vampire Sue that bit me once, and I was near the threshold of death.
C: And there was this other time when we landed on the bad side of Marley. It's all fixed now, though, after Marley nearly destroyed the console with his venom.

How would you describe your partner?
C: Neat freak.
E: Slob.
C: Oi! You're the one who arranges clothing by rainbow order!
E: How in all of Arda can you live with the mess you're in? Your half of the RC is worse than the dungeons of Barad-dur in its filth!
C: It's actually not that messy. I've seen much worse. And since when have you seen the dungeons of Barad-dur?
E: Since - long story.

What is your favourite pairing, be it canon or fanon?
E: Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, if they are not being possessed by Sue-wraiths.

If you had a choice between a Japanese restaurant and an Italian restaurant, where would you eat?
C: Well, we know for certain there's a Sue-free Japanese restaurant in this Multiverse, so I'd go with Japanese.

You wouldn't have happened to have seen Agent Harris Frost anywhere, would you? He was last seen running away with Agent Beydoun's Glaceon towards the Escher room. It's a long story.
C: Oh, wasn't he the one who tried drowning HQ?
E: I hear he was only trying to prove the existence of Atlantis, which coincidentally sounds much like Numen -
C: Wouldn't be surprised if they were the same. Now, um, no, I don't think I've seen him recently.
E: Check the room with the TARDISes.

No, I don't think the two have ever met - but then again, I don't always know where Flutteryshy is, so maybe they have.

I do know I've never seen any mini-Colossi wandering around near the RC. I'd notice something like that.

--Caroline


I'd like to say that she's missed bigger things than that, but for once she's right. No mini-Colossi in sight.

-- Agent Veralyn Amberwing, DMS

There is an Official Fanfiction University of Azeroth? Why hasn't Caroline told me about this?

Or... maybe she has been trying to? She has mentioned an 'au revoir' or something like that, quite a few times in fact. I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

She tells me - after quite rudely reading over my shoulder - that she calls it 'ohfwa', and it is the 'correct' pronunciation of the acronym OFUA. Apparently she was talking about the university after all, and not speaking gratuitous French.

Concerning you question of whether or not I have or ever intend to visit the university: I've been told it swarms with the creators of the atrocious badfics that mangle my home continuum, and that these 'fanbrats' are to be taught through pain. I may just have to pop in for a spell and learn more about this school.

-- Agent Veralyn Amberwing, DMS


I was not reading over her shoulder. She was muttering to herself while she was writing.

--Caroline

That is not funny.

-- Agent Veralyn Amberwing, DMS


I snuck my answer in when she wasn't looking.

I suggested it to her a few days ago, and she tried to beat me to death with a pillow. I'm guessing the answer is yes, the thought has crossed her mind.

--Caroline

I'm not entirely sure what all was on those tapes, but Veralyn came back shaking like a leaf and muttering under her breath. And she still has nightmares, and for some strange reason when I mentioned the discovery of the color glite she flinched and told me she'd discovered it first.

Also, sorry about the salutation there. Veralyn found the letter first. I think she just broke the pen I gave her, so ignore any ink blotches on her answer.

--Caroline


Don't ever ask me about the No-Drool Tapes again or so help me I will murder you.

-- Agent Veralyn Amberwing, DMS


((You are a bad, bad person, EF. XD))

Yes, my partner has expressed an interest in adopting the little pegasus. She hasn't stopped pestering me since the pillowfight incident.

Quite frankly, I think our Response Center is crowded enough with the two of us, Firebrand, and the evil little mini-Discord. But she seems intent on adopting Orion either way, so I suppose if I don't go along with it she'll still go out and adopt him the next time I leave the RC.

As for my relationship with Caroline... we have reached an agreement. She won't ask about the wretched tapes I was made to watch if I behave myself and 'tone down the urge to stalk Lor'themar'. And I do believe she is beginning to like him as well - though of course she has no chance with the Regent Lord.

Ugh. Vania won't let me go back to reading until I answer this mail, so . . . What the? Uh . . . Hi, kids . . .

Uh, yes and no. I think I have a real name on my birth certificate, but as long as I remember, everyone has called me Doc. I guess I just . . . look like I should be named "Doc?"

The Dockter? From what canon? I don't think I've read that novel. Who is it by?

I'm, uh. I'm not a doctor. I mean, I guess I used to repair textbooks at my high school's bookstore, but I don't know medical stuff at all.

And uh. Yeah. Just going to go back to reading now.

—Agent Doc

(The part about repairing textbooks is true, though that's not how I came up with my username.

—doctorlit)

He makes the days sound so boring! He also has no idea what the word ‘healthy’ means. With all those cooked breakfasts he eats I’m surprised he’s not spherical! I mean, they are yummy, but I don’t think I have to worry about becoming spherical because I’m more sensible than he is and only have a little breakfast.

Um, my days are mostly like Skeet’s, because he’s my partner, but I haven’t really been here long enough to think of them as ‘routine’. The missions are fun (we get to go into the stories of books and films, it’s so cool!), but I do more interesting stuff than Skeet when we’re not on a mission.

I’m still kind of new here, so I spend whenever I can exploring HQ. I’ve already found a whole bunch of stuff, including the library (which is amazing), and I’ve heard there’s supposed to be a swimming pool somewhere around here, but I haven’t found that yet.

I’m not sure that I’d really notice if a normal day got interrupted by anything, because I haven’t worked out what a ‘normal’ day is here.

I don’t have that many annoying habits (Skeet’s just being a great big mean meanie-head), but I don’t make a good first impression with other people, and that annoys me. I just go all quiet and try to hide when I meet new people, and I don’t really want to, but it’s just scary meeting new people, you know? It annoys me that I’m not better at it :(

Anyway, Skeet has loads more annoying habits than I do:
• He’s supposed to be training me, but mostly he just shows me stuff I shouldn’t be doing
• I don’t think he’s ever followed a single rule in his entire life
• And now he’s started reading this over my shoulder as I write it, which is really annoying
• He’s wrong all the time but he won’t admit it
• I’m surprised he’s even heard of the words ‘work ethic’, although maybe it’s like ‘healthy’ and he doesn’t actually know the correct meaning of it
• Gah! Now he’s trying to take the keyboard away from me klf
Hewon’tstopmefrompostingthis!!1!

My daily routine? Well, on a good day I’ll be woken up by my alarm, otherwise it’s the [Beep] of the console, and that’s never a pleasant thing to wake up to. Either way, the first thing I do is sort out some breakfast, and I mean a proper breakfast, none of this ‘cereal’ nonsense: eggs, bacon, sausage, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms, toast and a great big mug of tea (milk and one sugar – and no, I’m not saying who my supplier of sugar is).

By the time I’ve finished all that off I’m ready to start the day, and usually have a mission waiting, one way or the other. So then it’s on to the usual check the Intel report, check your gear, etc. (although I have now had to add another phase to that which is ‘wait for Amy to be ready too’).

I’m in the DMS, so I’ve normally got a pretty good idea what the mission’s gonna be like, it’s not like I’m in Floaters: those guys can get given anything. Sues can still throw a few surprises at you though, so the missions themselves tend to be varied, and I just have to play it by ear. Once the Sue’s dead and gone, it’s back to HQ (you’ll find me at the Bleepka Bar if it was a bad one).

After that, if there’s time, I’ll catch up my reading, do some weightlifting, or e-mail my granddad the next move in our ongoing chess game (the score currently stands at 62-0 in his favour).

How do I feel about that routine being interrupted? Well, that standard routine has developed based on the fact that my usual plan (lounge around the RC all day reading and playing computer games) always gets interrupted by a mission. If that didn’t happen, I’d probably be more confused than anything else, but I guess I’d eventually just start appreciating the break.

My annoying habits? I guess it depends on who you ask, but I don’t think there’s anything much. I’ll admit I’m not that great at turning my paperwork in on time, and Amy seems to have some issues with my work ethic or something, but that’s OK, I’m sure I remember reading something about banter between partners being good for the the partnership.

Amelia’s annoying habits on the other hand are something I can talk about at length. She plays that annoying, stupid, sped-up ‘nightcore’ in our RC instead or listening to decent music, she’s obsessed with rules and regulations – even the really ridiculous ones that are never gonna be sensible for an agent to follow in the field, I have to do all the talking to people because she’s too shy to do it herself, and I have to dose her with anti-Lustin before every mission because she fangirls over everyone. Still, I guess she’s OK for a newbie, and she did save my life that one time, so I should probably stop complaining.

- Skeet (DMS)

Julien:
2.4.0. No.
2.5.0. I needed to do something new. My old job had become too stressful, and I wanted to retreat from the busy world.
2.5.0.1. I was a DIC licenced MtG tournament judge. As I mentioned, it got quite stressful after a while.

Greg:
2.4.0. Yes, I tried weed. It wasn't my thing, though.
2.5.0. I thought it sounded nice. I mean, why not?
2.5.0.1. I tried a lot of things, but none of them really worked for me.

Agents Greg and Julien, MTG CARDS HERE card shop

* buying, selling and trading MtG cards
* Friday (we hope) Night (kind of) Magic tournaments
* cheap drinks

You like Magic, but haven't found any place to play? Come here, bring friends!

2.4.0.
Saline: Dark City doesn't really have criminal records, nor does Heron City. Other than that, I never really stayed in one place for long.
Priyala: I don't remember. But I was mostly in stasis, so I don't think so.

2.5.0.
Saline: I didn't decide anything. I logicked a hole into my world and fell through. Then I found out that I was from a badfic crossover reality, which kind of sucked. And then Tom f___ing Atlairy casually sits in a bean bag with a Game Boy playing Tetris and tells me I'm obsolete.
Priyala: Orken said that I had to leave the canon, or else I'd keep warping it... and so I ended up here. I don't really know what else to say about this.

2.5.0.1.
Saline: Uh, mechanic, summoner, village snarker, token evil person? Heron City is pretty much a group of outsiders. None of us had a "job." We just did what had to be done. And we fought a giant robot once.
Priyala: Uhm... professional Sue?

PS: I think Saline is making that up.
PPS: Whatever.

Hi. Nathan thought this would be a good idea. :D

2.4.0.
Ellipsia: I don't think so... I hardly remember anything, but I'm a Paladin and generic BFF, so...
Nathan: No. I was kind of a square back then.

2.5.0.
Ellipsia: I didn't "decide" anything. From what other people told me, I was catatonic for a while, and they couldn't really put me back in that state, so they kept me. I read up on the PPC during server down times and waiting for groups, and somehow I didn't like the thought of others going through the same thing as me.
Nathan: Again, I have the boring answer. I came across a flyer lying around in my university. It sounded interesting... yeah, that's it. I like things that are logical, and I was kind of miffed by the average fanfic quality out there.

2.5.0.1.
Ellipsia: As said, Paladin and a Sue's generic BFF. Not that I remember much of it, outside of these dreams.
Nathan: I was a math student.

Since you have no way of reaching me otherwise, I think I can disclose some of this.

2.4.0. I used to have an entry for data fraud. Good thing that can be fixed. Other than that one time, the only ones who ever caught me were agents of the PPC, so no. My record in my home 'verse should be clear now.

2.5.0. You did pick these questions because of me. This sounds way too specific for my rather unique situation. But yes, this ties into the question above. I was caught by the PPC when I (accidentally, I may remind you, damn my sloppy handwriting) hacked into a server of DoSAT. And no, I have no idea how this works.
These two guys, Jake and Callahan, found me. The choice was either to wipe my mind and blow up the computer I used to do my work, or joining the PPC. Since I didn't have the money, or the time, to have a new gateway computer set up, and I didn't have any real ties to the world anyways, I joined.
As for my profession, I work in tech support. It's the thing that fits me most, as I'm really too squeamish to go out and hunt reality warping glitter demons.

2.5.0.1. I worked for an organization called Uplink. Since you're not allowed to interfere anywhere anyways, I can tell you that they were an organization that provided anonymous contact between hackers and their clients. Even though it didn't earn me that much money, I never went after individuals and never ruined anyone's life unless they really deserved it.

I hope this satisfies your curiosity. If you decide to disclose this to others, however, I have your IP.

I ended up going with red all the way. Here's my problem with the other two:

Blue: You're just setting yourself up to be the Catalyst 2.0, and turning yourself into the Illusive Man with no reason to do so. Who would be dumb enough to do that?

Green: Well, let's set aside the fact that this ending makes no sense whatsoever and just get to the real problem here: it provides a solution that you then cram down everybody else's throats. You know, something the Reapers did to the rest of the galaxy for so many years. Yeah, I'm not going to do that to anyone else, thank you very much.

I mean, yeah, the red ending does kill every synthetic in the galaxy, but you know what? That Catalyst is a dumbass. Organics and synthetics can co-exist peacefully, especially in a galaxy which made peace with synthetics to unite against a common enemy. I think the ME galaxy would realize that, and be kinder to any artificial intelligences that would come up in the future.

So yeah. That's my reasoning behind it.

Florestan: Oh, great, someone actually cares about the mini enough to ask about it.

Eusabius: And why not? I may remind you that we have gone on several missions and most people do not know what Shumann looks like.

Florestan: It is an it! *growls* Okay, let's see...

Eusabius: *looks at first and second questions* We do not know what species Shumann is. However, if we were to pinpoint a close resemblance... it is possible to think of it as looking similar to the alien character Stitch from Lilo and Stitch.

Florestan: Well, if Stitch and a rabid dog rolled in the hay and had a baby, anyhow.

Eusabius: And now I believe Outhra has acquired some mild trauma from that mental image.

Florestan: Oh, he'll live. *looks at third question* He actually spawned because my first partner in the PPC misspelled "Schumann" in a message she sent to the Flowers once.

Eusabius: You mean to say she did not know who Robert Schumann was?

Florestan: Her, and half of America, apparently. Damn kids with their Lady Gaga.

Eusabius: As I recall, Florestan, you were listening to Nicki Minaj yourself a few hours ago. I may also mention it was not the first time you did so.

Florestan: I like how bad it is, okay!? God! Prejudice!

Eusabius: *glances calmly* I believe that now is not a pertinent time to call the kettle black, as the saying goes. *looks at the fourth question* I believe so.

Florestan: He keeps eating my bacon whenever I bring it in. Always raids my damn fridge like that, you know? *rolls eyes* But that's not the only thing. Sometimes, he'll have chewed on my bedsheets just to mess with me. And usually, I have to sleep in those damn things because I don't have time to get new ones! And oh yeah, let's not even get into how he once broke my Xbox in two while my partner and I were on a mission. I seriously didn't think you could break an Xbox that badly...

Eusabius: I do hope this answers your sixth question.

Florestan: And as for others like him? Thankfully, no, but I know the potential exists. Here's hoping we don't get a mini of Arnold Schoenberg in the near future...

Eusabius: We hope you have a pleasant day.

Agent DeGrasse,

I have not been to Earth actually, neither in the Mass Effect continuum nor in World 1. I imagine Anneli might drag me to World 1 Earth, but in that event I wouldn't mind.

But as for Mass Effect Earth... I might not go there. After all, it is currently inhabited by Reapers, and I do not think it would be a good idea to go onto a place that's kind of experiencing a massive war, right? And after the war? I dunno. With the way Mass Effect 3 is, I could wind up there with Earth destroyed, so I would rather not risk it.

--Xanthus Garkaran

Dammit, you've got me thinking now. Fine... I have been up against more than my fair share of dangerous crap. The one that came closest to killing me, personally, was the ficubus, f***ing Archir the f***ing Emerald. Thing damn near did us all in, and that after outright shattering the canon.

That said... I don't think it was the most dangerous. There are fates worse than death. It's not the thing that dashed four teams of relatively seasoned agents to pieces like a ship on a rock.

A huge, dong-shaped rock...

You know what, we're done here. F*** off. Go bother my partner some more, he enjoys it.

— F***ing Agent f***ing Supernumerary

(( Sorry about that. He's into the Bleepka now for sure... ))

Sadly, answering it the way I think you're hoping for would put me in breach of confidentiality, so you're out of luck there. Sorry!

Anyway, the truth is that Dr. Freedenberg or folks with more seniority than me, like Nathonea, get all the really unusual cases—definitely all the ones outsiders have heard of, including Agent Bulldog's. That was actually a bit before my time, I think, or if I was there I was still so shiny-new (and yeah, a little glittery) that they wouldn't have trusted me with anything beyond paperwork and intern work—delivering food, changing bedsheets, kicking the Four-S, that sort of thing. If I met him, I don't recall.

I can talk about some things generally. It's actually fairly unusual for us to see a canon character, since all the field agents carry neuralyzers these days, and when we do get them it's almost always a double-whammy of injuries requiring a trip to Medical plus severe emotional trauma. Post-Traumatic Bad Slash Syndrome makes up about eight of ten canon admissions, I'd say. There's also the odd character who can't be neuralyzed the normal way, but that doesn't even make up a whole percentage point.

If you want to know the bulk of what we do, it's taking care of new recruits. We keep saying we're going to make a PSA about this, because it's actually a bit of a problem. The field agents get so keen to earn a vacation that they don't think about what they're doing, so we get these poor lost bit characters who really would have been better off assimilating with their home canon. A lot of times, we'd like to just send them back as soon as we get them, but Upstairs does insist on grist for the mill, so we're not allowed, and it sucks. The blank slates, the ones that got little to no characterization from their authors, are as helpless as newborn kittens here, they usually have no support structure beyond us, and we can't take care of them forever. Eventually we have to cut them loose, and while some of them make it and get more or less stable, lots of them don't. So, if any agents are reading this, think twice before recruiting. If you don't want to kill them, that's awesome, but that doesn't mean you should abandon them on our doorstep.

... That has nothing to do with your questions at all. I'll get off the soapbox now. Sorry.

Hey, the metafictional grapevine tells me we're due for a Romulan who thinks she's a Tribble at some point down the ol' timeline. That sounds pretty odd!

~Jenni R.

P.S. The real truth is that my author hasn't written any weird cases for me. She doesn't like to put me forward, what with my history. Also, when other people write about FicPsych, "Freedenberg" tends to be the name they use. You have no idea how frustrating it is for the rest of us to be referred to as "the nurse" all the time. We hardly know who's done what ourselves, because nobody bothers to tell us!

I am really not sure what to make of it, but thank you for your interest!

1. Yes, everyone does seem to be asking about my morphs. It is a fascinating subject, and something I have spent a great deal of time thinking about myself.

As for what Trekverse morph I might like to try, it is hard to choose—there are so many different species! I suspect I would get stuck being a Bolian or Andorian on a mission simply because of the "blueness" aspect, and especially considering the Andorian antennae. I would not mind that. Andorians even have some cultural similarities to Andalites, placing a high degree of importance on honor, family, etc.

Perhaps the best answer is another question: what would you recommend for a less-than-adequate morpher who does not wish to endanger anyone with a potentially harmful species?

2. Somehow, I am not surprised that journal has been found. Nothing stays secret forever in HQ, it seems. Ah well. Just bear firmly in mind that I will track you down if certain private, personal observations about certain people are wantonly blabbed about. I was not exaggerating my seriousness on that point.

To be honest, most of what I watched during that time has gone out of my head by now. I took it in under duress, and it was too much to fully absorb so quickly. (Please do not tell my partner.) However, I did like what I saw of Captain Janeway, and speaking from more recent experience, I enjoy Deep Space Nine very much. The longer story and character arcs appeal to me more than the "mission of the week" approach in the other series, though of course it does have some episodes like that and the other series do have some character growth.

I also enjoyed the "reboot" film, which has been the source of many lively discussions in my response center. By that I mean arguments. But I do not mind too much.

3. I do not wish you to think badly of my partner, but nonetheless, Agent Supernumerary is a trying individual by all accounts, even to those of us who are his friends. It seems I have been gifted with a great deal of patience, which I have expanded by practicing daily Andalite rituals. Additionally, I have spent most of my existence as his partner, so you might say that I learned how best to live with him as part of my training as a PPC agent. The key is to remember that actions speak louder than words, and not to take everything he says to heart. Much of it is hyperbolic or diversionary to some degree—he is not someone who likes to reveal his true feelings. I do not know why. I do know that he has always looked after me in his own way, and I will always do the same for him.

4. I will take this question as a compliment, but do please remember that I am a sentient, adult being. I do have fur, and it may look inviting, but it would be impolite to pet me, especially without warning. (I make exceptions for small children, who do not know any better. You would not believe the substances I have had stuck to me.)

Thank you again for your letter. This is quite fun!

Dear "Fan,"

Yes, nothing, and no. Why the hell does everyone find it so amusing that I have a sense of propriety?

— Agent Supernumerary

P.S. We will consider your request. Don't call us, we'll call you.

(( OOC P.P.S. Have you seen this entry for Fanfic Land, and more importantly, the response to it? *g* [Note: Phobos used to go by the screen name "Barid."] ))

It seems I have already answered the second question in my reply to Agent Kayleigh. Perhaps that will satisfy her request to swap?

As for the first part, it comes down to a choice between my human morph and my dragonhawk morph. I am very familiar with the first and it is indispensable to me, but the second is very beautiful, and flying is great fun, even if I have not quite gotten the hang of it yet.

I suppose I will choose the dragonhawk. I spend so much time in human form that it hardly feels strange anymore. It is simply a normal part of my abnormal life.

I like this question. I wish I'd asked it. Can we swap?

*~~
~*~
K
~*~
~~*

I am aware that I am blue, though I was once purple for a few seconds before my morphogenic field stabilized. Also, it is interesting to note that there is no way to be certain that we all perceive colors the same way, so perhaps what you call blue is something completely different from my understanding of the color.

In any case, I am not sad most of the time, but I do feel that way sometimes, like anyone else.

I am also not a horse most of the time, but one day I am going to ask Alice's permission to acquire her and a few others from the courtyard for a composite morph, and then we shall see who is the fastest in a fair race.

I can call you Bob, right? Nice ta meet ya, Bob.

The answers to your first two questions are the same: mine is more awesome. The end.

As for number three, you gotta remember our dragons took care of themselves just fine before we stopped killing each other and joined forces, so it's not like they're high-maintenance or anything. Being stuck in a building changes things, though, especially since I'm told it's frowned upon to let Snerri hunt new recruits through the halls. *evil grin*

Anyway, I gotta make sure he gets enough to eat and drink, and make him exercise so he doesn't get bored and fat. I WOULD do this by bringing him on missions with me all the time, but my partner is a real stickler for rules, so I have to play on his dead-dragon guilt to get anywhere with him, and I can only do that so much before he gets that one special look that means he's about to flip his shit and murder us all. So, yeah.

Snerri pretty much grooms himself, but that doesn't mean I can't make his sharp pointy bits extra sharp and pointy, and also shiny. You can't go wrong with shiny. Also, any dragon likes a warm place to sleep and a good scratch under the jaw. He gets along really well with Arasgorn the mini-Balrog, as you might imagine. I have to keep an eye on them so they doesn't set the response center on fire by accident, though.

Side note: don't live with dragons or mini-Balrogs if you can't stand the smell of burning. Bathing is a thing that happens, but nothing ever fully gets rid of the smell.

And finally, what the heck is a Skyrim? Are we talking about the horizon? 'Cause, y'know, there's already a word for that. (Hint: it's "horizon.")

I'm glad we had this little chat, Bob. So long, now!

(As there are, indeed, so many agents, I've let them each choose one or both questions to answer.)

Suethors. I see Suethors. And Sues. Many, many Sues.

Occasionally, I see myself being forced to work with a Suetho--oh, wait.

Damn you, SO...
-Brenda

--

What do I see when I wake up screaming? Um, that really depends on where I am. I mean, if I'm on a mission, it could be anything, you know? Generally Brenda telling me to quiet down, but...

Oh, and fears or phobias? Uh...I'm afraid of Gandalf's cooking. Very, very afraid. And Miss Cam's pretty scary, too. So is Galadriel. And Elrond. As for how I react to them, I avoid Gandalf's cooking, try never to make any spelling, grammar, or canon mistakes anywhere near Miss Cam, and try not to think anything about, um, well, you don't need to know who, but I try not to think anything about him around Galadriel. As for Elrond: Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. Nine. You get the idea.

~Charlie

--

Edgar: When I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, I see the manifestations of crossovers past.

...Well, no, I don't, but what I do see isn't really any of your business. Agen_t?

Agent: ...I don't wake up screaming in the middle of the night. At least, I don't think I ever have. *pause* Seriously, if I've woken up screaming, I'm probably being murdered, in which case I've probably been drugged or forgotten all my training. And only the first bit's a possibility.

Edgar: You're not devoloping some sort of issues, are you? I should have known the James Bond movies were a bad idea...

Agent: I liked those movies.

Edgar: (mumbles) Yeah, that's the problem.

Agent: I even managed to find some good fanfiction for them.

Edgar: You've been reading fanfic?

Agent: It's very interesting. Especially the ones about my 'home canon', as you people keep calling it.

Edgar: You've been reading Avengers-verse fanfic? No wonder you're getting issues. Don't you dare become an alcoholic, by the way. Or get PTSD. Or daddy issues.

Agen_t: I wasn't given a father.

Edgar: True. And mind you don't start angsting about it.

(DawnFire: Aaand, time's up! Next agent!)

--

Hello, and welcome to the last answer! I'm Dawn, and I'll be taking over now.

(You will?)

Oh, absotively. You should take a break. Can't be easy, transcribing all of us.

(Well, it's not actually that hard, but--)

Oh, go on. Take a break.

(And leave you to incite chaos unchecked? I don't think so.)

...alright, I know when to pick my battles. Hi, everyone! Agent Dawn of the DMS, reporting to you live, dear readers, from...DawnFire?

(Hm?)

Where are we? I'm just seeing Generic Surface.

(Oh, we're in...your RC. Yes, your RC. Sorry.)

Oh, good. I wasn't done feeding the minis, you see.

(I think they've finished on their own.)

Yeah, looks like. Right, you wanted me to answer some questions?

(Uh-huh. Here's the list.)

"D&D Character Questionnaire"? I'm being asked questions from--hey, page 17! One number higher and we'd have my RC!

(Huh, I guess we would. I hadn't noticed that. So. The questions?)

Right, right. Um...I'd rather not answer the first one, if that's alright.

(No problem. You can pick.)

Alright. Hi, Neshomeh! I think I've seen your agent around...um, let's see. Fears or phobias? Wow, you do know how to pick sensitive questions, don't you?

(Dawn, please be nice. I like Neshomeh. Don't offend her.)

Hey, I'm adorable.

(And stop impersonating Dean Winchester. That sentence didn't even make sense in context.)

You're the one who decided we should have a Supernatural marathon. Alright, alright, fears or phobias. Um...I'm afraid of getting stuck in a badfic that's being deleted. I'm also afraid of turning into a Sue, which, you know, is kind of a possibility, considering I'm a self-insert. I tend to use logic to get my way through them--reminding myself that we have gadgets that let us know when a fic is going to be deleted helps, as does knowing that DawnFire likes me too much to let me go. For the second, there are hopefully enough betas to keep me from being warped into a Sue. Hopefully. *shudders* I'd like to think about something else, now, if you don't mind.

(Sure. Just say goodbye to Neshomeh, and we can go think of ideas for SBEI to share with Karen.)

Sounds good. Bye, Neshomeh! Nice to meet you! Should I pass on greetings to Agent Neshomeh for you? I'm sure I can find her RC if I don't concentrate hard enough...

(Alright, looks like that's a wrap...now, any ideas for SBEI? I was looking at some notes about Mjolnir...)

Ooh! Remember the Supernatural episode? What if Sam told Thor--

(Wait, wait, we're still transcribing. Let's turn it off and)

Well... let me see... first there's the powered combat armour you gave me; then there's the anime-style samurai armour I salvaged from Eagrus after the whole anime-HQ thing. The only other one I've got is the generic knight's armour I swiped from where that Trekverse 'Stu conjured it up.

The combat suit still has to be the best, simply because 1) it is tech armour, and 2) it is the only one that marginally fits and could be worn. (I say marginally because I still need to get around to making some adjustments for my new implants - if I ever get the time).

Of course, I intend to obtain more...

We don't know how you found us, but we assure you that we are most certainly not here, and there is absolutely nothing here to assim-

Hold on, did you say perfection? Hmmm...

CLANG!

This is Eagrus Khan, on behalf of Cyba, Phi and *especially* Sigma: I have a frying pan, and I am not afraid to use it on anybody getting addled by your influence! I also have a large collection of swords, which I hear Borg drones don't adapt to well... I also strongly dislike invasions.

Don't they remember the Assimilation Crisis, and all that fuss last time you lot learnt we exist? I'm telling you, if my Weeds have to face down a Borg invasion, we're not going to be the multiverse's happiest-

-- sorry, what's that? This is all AU? Oh. Well. Never mind, then. Carry on.

Well, the three of us decided that I (Sigma) should have the exonet until it spawned, so after it took, we rushed off to my RC to keep an eye on proceedings. My resident Borg implants did detect the addition... at least, Phi said the skin around that area got noticably more veiny for a while. We reckon there might have been some assimilation going on, but everything seems to be working. (Ironic Overpower, I've got my eye on you.)

Cyba says the exonet fibres look slightly darker now, and given the size change so far, Phi predicts that it might be fully grown sooner than 3-4 months - probably due the effect of the Borg implants. It does mean Phi and Cyba might get an exonet quicker, though, which they are getting decidedly excited about.

Meanwhile, the teaching construct has started appearing and tutoring me in using the exonet properly. With the connection to the rest of my implants, it is also giving me some insight into using those, too. The best part about it is that I'm getting ahead of Phi and Cyba in that regard, which is driving them crazy. Hee, hee, hee...

Yes, he is, though he prefers Abe (and steals all the fresh fruit; it's starting to get to be a problem).

--Orion

Hello, Herr; thanks for the question.

I encountered the PPC a few days after my layoff at the police department in my home city of Desay. I wasn't in the best of places then, since that had been my backup dream job (and I've got my suspicions as to why I was suddenly laid off, but that's a story for another time). I actually ran into the agent who eventually recruited me in one of the bars near the station; he'd been in my home continuum for a short vacation. We struck up a conversation about our work, and when he learned that I'd recently been laid off, he told me more about the PPC.

I thought he was crazy at first, to be honest-- who talks about going around killing fictional characters, after all? Then he told me some stories about some of the missions he'd been on. Next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the Marquis and signing paperwork. I guess it didn't really hit me until we got out of the Marquis' office and into HQ proper, when I saw several agents that definitely couldn't be the product of my admittedly intoxicated brain.

It's been a while since I was recruited- just about four years, give or take, if my math's right -though it seems longer. Anyways, I hope that answers your question. If you have more, feel free to ask.

--Lee

1) The fact that Anebrin cannot stomach Bleeptea greatly bothers me.
2) I'd consider my coat one if not for the fact that it is constantly being desecrated by Sue blood, burns and the like.
3) Deaf. I won't hear the console then.

1) Des' tendency to bash his head on various walls - in fact, his tendency to harm himself while in the presence of badfic - is more than a bit irritating.
2) A good-luck charm...? Even if I had one (I do not), it is obviously not working, since I was sent to "TSAB DOWNFALL: Halo War".
3) Deaf, definitely. That way I will at least not hear my sword singing.

That's quite of a challenging question, actually. I tend to choose my weapons according to mission needs, and in spite of what Corolla says I see them only as tools. Dangerous and powerful ones, though.

I can still name some weapons from my wishlist, though.

The first one, which actually I just got from the Armoury, is the Beretta ARX-160A2 from World One. A great, modern assault rifle.

Then, still a World One-based gun, comes the FG42 from Return to Castle Wolfenstein. Hard hitting, decent rate of fire, and good range too.

For long range work, though, I'm still hoping to get my hands on a Gauss Rifle from Crysis. Not only it has more power than my current Barret M82A1, but it also has the advantage of being much lighter.

However, all of those are weapons that any Agent with enough money can get his hands on. There are a couple of weapons that Upstairs would never let me have, too.

The first one is the AS-24 Devastator from Serious Sam 3. A rapid-fire, drum-fed shotgun loaded with long range explosive shells. Perfect fro blowing up the annoying overpowered Sue you always get once in a while... if you don't care about the massive collateral damage, though.

Another one is the ARM x850 from a FarCry mod called Matto4. I have no idea about what that gun is supposed to be, but it's very powerful yet small enough to be practical.

Corolla's:

1) Large amounts? What did they tell you about me?! I obviously can't eat a whole Sue, and in fact I eat very little compared to an human, my meals's size being roughly on par with those of an human child.

There's also the fact that Sergio doesn't let me eat Sue Soufflés as often as I want, too...

Anyways, I'm not exactly sure about how my digestive system works, but I do think that we convert food into mana - otherwise I would be full just after a tea spoon worth's of food. Belkan magic users too regain mana through food... and yes, they do eat a lot!

2) My Linker Core's almost fine now, but that's not really how it works - my size impacts on the amount of mana I consume just by staying alive (That's what you get for being a magical construct!). I can access to my regular size and one on par with an human child even ight now, but it would impact on my mana usage - my Linker Core's mana regeneration speed is still kinda low.

Nikki's

1) Well, let me think... Halo: Combat Evolved, Pokemon, Kingdom Hearts, Bionicle, Stargate, Harry Potter and a lot of other that I don't quite remember. It was really confusing.

2) Basically, the author of my original fic made me unable to use the Sakura Cards (I was supposed to be Sakura Kinomoto from Card Captor Sakura), and transformed the Star Key into a Kingdom Hearts-style Keyblade. However, as it was someone else's Keyblade and I didn't have the time to learn how to use it, it didn't follow me in the PPC. My magic potential remained, but in a... blank state? I'm not really sure, and the guys at Medical and DoSAT don't either.

It gets annoying, as my magic keeps changing even when in a continuum with a single type of magic. Especially since I keep transforming in a Mermaid Melody mermaid every time I try to do magic while I'm swimming or I'm drenched in rain.
Anne thinks that if I keep a Device with me all the time and stay close to Corolla I can make it stay as Nanohaverse magic, if not even stabilyze it, though.

1) No. F-22s are expensive stuff, so both Corolla and I tend to use them on a need-to basis. The bills for fuel and maintenance can be killer, even in the PPC.

We do bring them out on the annual PPC Parade, though. No parade is truly such without a fighter jet patrol flight-by, don't you think?

2) Yes, very often. A good aim is vital for a gun-based fighter. While there aren't many "true" battles during missions, you never know when the next one is.
I am currently trying to learn a practical way to dual-wield pistols, but aside from suppression fire it isn't going to be of any help anywhere soon.

You know, if you can't look down the sights even hitting the broad side of a barn becomes hard...

I'll answer the last one first, because it's the easiest... Improbabilities deals with strange occurrences in fics - extremely weird examples of normal fic types. So a Gollum Mary-Sue would probably be an Improbability, for instance.

WhatThe deals with things about the very nature of a fic which make you go WTF (although our department has always been named WhatThe, I don't know what you're talking about <_ to take three typical examples a sue who makes god fall for her story where all the dialogue is translated into gaelic or monty python sue. whereas improbabilities deals with fits my expectations sort of but there something weird here whatthe covers way outside usual boundaries usually it either canon you don expect see that just incredibly out like thing.>
As to your other questions... at the moment it's pretty much me; no Head, no partner. The Rhododendron - I think he used to be the SO's secretary or something - is sort of my superior, but that's technically an interim measure: the Department of WhatThe (me) is loaning me out to other departments, with the Rhododendron overseeing the loans. At other times, agents from other departments get loaned to me, with again, R. overseeing.

Does that answer your questions?

|<br>|
|\/|

I haven't actually been in Building Maintenance that long; I stared out in Mary-Sues, and then spent a spell in another department before events conspired to move me to BM. I can tell you I've never seen a pool, but you'd have to ask my colleagues for more information.

~N~

---

Hi there. You're Irish? Cool. I went to Ireland once; okay, it was overrun by zombies at the time, but the scenery was nice.

So. Nita says you're asking about the HQ Pool? There's no such place. Definitely. I've seen every inch - scratch that, every micron - of this place, and there's no pools anywhere. Except that betting pool on when Lux is going to get herself sacked, but that's beside the point.

No pools. There's a Fountain of Bleepka outside the cafeteria, and one of the bathrooms routinely floods - this one time it managed to flood an Escher Room, which was great fun to clear up - but definitely no pools. And no, the Flowers haven't bribed us, threatened us, or taken us out for drinks and explained very nicely to us in order to make us keep it secret.

Convinced?

Denny Robbs (Operations: Building Maintenance, First Shift)

((Denny and the rest of BM1 were placed under my care by JulyFlame when she left. ~hS))

Why do people keep asking things like this? No, I'm not named after Kira Nerys. No, I'm not named after Nita Callahan. No, I'm not named after Cerys Matthews. No, I'm not particularly neat, or particularly caring. My name is just my name.

... sorry. I get asked that sort of thing a lot. It's... okay, sorry. No, as far as I know, there's no connection.

~N~

... I'm not sure I understand the question. When I eat something (not someone, those rumours are vicious lies) particularly stringy, it takes a little while to pick all the bits out of my teeth... is that what you mean? Definitely more time than it did before I got so many heads cut off... I don't know, I've never counted.

|/
KYARIS

Favorite food: It used to be chocolate, but since my last mission I've needed regular doses of Bleeprin to stop the memories. So lots of Bleepolate products. I'm the one behind that effort to expand the inventory - you know, it's always just been plain bleepolate, but I'm pushing for dark bleepolate, dark bleepolate with raspberries, bleepolate peanut butter cups, bleepolate covered strawberries, mint bleepolate...You get the idea. I prefer dark chocolate, so that's why I'm pushing for it in bleep-form.

Least favorite food: The only foods I will refuse to eat are organ meats. Other than that, only food I truly find disgusting is what they serve in the cafeteria. Yay for replicators!

Favorite color: Purple. I have a fluffy purple hat I wear around the RC, and I would wear it on missions if it were canonical for Star Trek. Not a fan of pink, though.

Favorite Weather: Weather? In HQ? Well, I prefer too cold to too hot, because you can always put on a coat. Joani, on the other hand, would think Mount Doom was cozy warm.

Favorite animal: You mean non-human animal, I presume. In that case, tribble.

((Seeing as these agents are self-inserts, this requires me to think about my parents in the context of the PPC. Hm…))
Well, I don't like giving out personal information online, but I will say this much:

1. My parents did raise me and my sister.

2. My mother is a published author - nobody famous, you wouldn't have heard of her. My dad was a software engineer, until he had a stroke. (Don't start offering your sympathies, it was four years ago, he's recovered a lot, and besides, I've been through worse at the PPC.) I credit them both with making me and my sister geeky, and my mother in particular for encouraging me to write.

3. Joani is my only sibling. Thank gods, one of her is bad enough.

4. I am the older one, and therefore more mature. Don't let her height fool you, she's three years younger. Though I don't like the term "firstborn". Because it's always the firstborn who needs to be given to Rumplestiltskin, or killed in a plague. And I remember reading some fairy tales and noticing that many of the heroes were the youngest. And that I'd have to inherit the throne…wait…no, that's still bad, because as Captain Picard said, "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Of course he could have beeen quoting Shakespeare. It's still awesome. Especially since that was a Q episode…

*ahem*

I'm probably going off on a tangent here. I hope you don't think less of me for it.

~Tanya Verde


((FYI, most of that was true. Besides the having gone through worse at the PPC part. I'd be too comfortable in a world of fiction, so I had to give Tanya some horrible experiences at the PPC.))

Marvin: Sorry about our author's misunderstanding of your question.

Printworthy: Though honestly, how he managed to get confused baffles me. It was a rather strait forward question really.

Marvin: Perhaps, but confused he was, so just, you know, cut him a little slack.

Printworthy: Well, if I were to describe Marvin, I would say... Kind, passionate, and... honestly, occasionally creepy.

Marvin: Hey, what do you mean creepy?

Printworthy: When one is a pony and the other is a brony, it can get creepy, alright? Especially after a round of... anatomical questions.

Marvin: Hey, I was curious, alright? What's so wrong with that?

Printworthy: Explaining each and every aspect of how ones horn, legs and facial mussels work gets tiring and a little disturbing.

Marvin: Well, three words I would use to describe Printworthy are; intelligent, neat, and gramatical.

Printworthy: Marvin, gramatical is not used that way. Grammatical refers to the use, usually quality, of a particular work's grammar.

Marvin: Yeah, and you are really good with grammar, as shown by your correcting of my use of the word grammatical. See what I mean?

Printworthy: Perhaps. Anyway, I hope that answered your question.

Marvin: And don't worry, we'll make sure World-Jumper don't misunderstands your questions again.

Printworthy: ...You did that just to aggravate me didn't you?

Marvin: Maybe.

Sorry about that. Here are Marvin and Printworthy's bios I used for permission, that should be enough to work off of.

Marvin
Home Continuum: World One
Physical Description: 5’7” Caucasian male with green eyes and short brown hair. Overweight, yet not insanely out of shape, though he gets winded faster than he probably should. Requires glasses or other vision-enhancing material to be able to see things further than two feet away clearly.

Marvin is a massive fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Because of his enthusiasm for the show, he has received accusations from some agents of being a fanboy. Is he? Well, he does not think so. He does not lust after the ponies, he does not write bad fanfiction, and his interest is only a little more than the average person. Ok, maybe a lot more. Still, he is a fan, and loves the show, and he hates the idea of somebody harming the canon because they did not know that they were doing with their words. Because of this, he extends the same passion he has for the show to his missions. Outside of missions, he is calm and friendly, though shy at first. Get to know him though, and he will be a loyal, honest, kind friend.

Printworthy
Home Continuum: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Physical Description: Unicorn with a dark blue body, gray and white mane, and light blue eyes. Cutie mark is a book and quill. Owns a pair of reading glasses for comfort, though does not require them.

Printworthy was the author of the famous Daring Do adventure novels…in an unpublished My Little Pony Fanfiction. For years he lived peacefully in his small home in Trottingham, writing and looking for inspiration for his next novel. One day, while exploring an ancient dig site for inspiration for his new Daring Do novel, he stumbled into a plothole that led to PPC HQ, landing on Marvin, and changing his life forever. As an author, he has seen badfic before, and hates it all the more because of his personal experience with it. Inside missions, he usually writes the charge list, as he has an eye for bad spelling and grammar that is much more refined than Marvin. He is sociable, friendly, and tries to choose his words carefully, though he is easy to exasperate and gets annoyed with ignorance quickly.

Believe it or not, most of the packages we get are fairly standard contraband. We get a lot of chocolate and coffee. However, we do get some things that are less ordinary. Flames are always "fun" to deal with. Most of the equipment that DoSAT orders are better handled by someone above my pay grade. We, of course, have to deal with the occasional inexplicably buzzing package addressed to Agent Luxury.

However, you were asking about the strangest. That dubious honor would have to go to the Sunflower Official. I will not go into any detail, but I will say that his tastes in niche horticultural reading material run a little... exotic.

~Durotar

Agent Garkaran,

Well, there's a funny story behind that. See, I was slated to team up with someone who knows Mass Effect a year ago to investigate a fic, but that sort of slipped into limbo after my accident.

I had only received my commission for about a month and I had just discovered the joys of using a D.O.R.K.S. When I set the device to "CMC-300" to practice my marksmanship with the C-14 at the shooting range, my arms kinda bent in ways that arms weren't supposed to bend (don't even get me started on where my shoulders ended up) and I spent most of the following weeks in Medical doing physiotherapy. So...ouch.

I guess some other agent was assigned to that fic.

--De Grasse

((IRL, time constraints and an astonishing amount of schoolwork. Sorry 'bout that.))

Dear Concerned:

If you are referring to yesterday's Great Tribble Invasion of the Cafeteria, rest assured that even if the agent in question was shouting "The Sub Rosa's going to kill me", this had nothing to do with our department head. Agent Harris is simply a very excitable young man. The Sub Rosa is similarly not involved in the Straightening of the Escher Room (caused by Harris) or the Overly Long and Boring Elcor Opera (accidentally broadcasted on a loop by Harris).

Besides, I cannot fathom what the Sub Rosa woud gain from replacing every meat-based dish served in the Cafeteria by Tribble steaks. If anything, it would be a step up from their regular fare.

--Marianne Delacroix

* * *

Dear Concerned,

Ah... not quite sure what you are referring to, sir/ma'am. Can you please specify?

-- Gaspard De Grasse