Subject: First story to spork
Author:
Posted on: 2012-10-08 18:19:00 UTC
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7164234/1/Chorniclesofnarnialovestory
The title should tell you enough. The shifts from second to first person, often in the middle of sentences are just the scum on the Ankh.
Having finally written an introduction for my Agents ...
Both for Mary Sues, RC 612.
Coriander Beon
Male, elf, Lord of the Rings
He has short black hair due to the Sue from his origin fic cutting it against his will. He hates Urple prose, yet is forced to speak in it constantly. He also hates fire and noncanonical species. In his badfic of origin he was betrothed to Arwen in order to make Aragorn single, he asked to join the PPC rather than see Arwen everyday with another. It was understandably nauseatingly melodramatic.
Mare Elm
Female, witch, Harry Potter
She has plain brown hair and eyes due to having started life as a Generic. In her origin fic she was a Sue's best friend, there only to set up said Sue with Draco Malfoy. Mare's name results from a spelling mistake where her original name, Marlen, was misspelt Mareln. She has a fear of Professor Snape, is a Slytherin pureblood with all that entails, hates apples and Cute Animal Friends and won't stop matchmaking.
Writing Sample: (warning: unbeataed by any but myself.)
The newly christened Agent Mare Elm was skipping through the halls of the PPC. Luckily for her someone actually helpful had given her directions and a song sheet.
"But still in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, I am the ver-gak!" Picking herself up from the Generic Surface, she glared at the door that had decided to appear in her path. She peered round the doorframe at the corridor beyond, then checked the numbered plaque. RC 612.
"I hope this 'partner' I have to meet is single," she mused out loud, whilst searching for her wand. After a few minutes and a large number of empty pockets she found it tucked in her boot. "Alohamora."
The door swung inwards and Mare stepped through purposfully and found herself in a brightly lit, cluttered room. A sword rested on Mare's neck.
"State thy name and purpose mortal," a male voice ordered.
Mare grinned and ducked under the sword to face a strangly shadowy corner. "Mare! Your sword's all stripy, like a zebra!" she proclaimed. "Coriander, I presume."
" I go by Beon," the shadows replied. "And I wish to know what you are doing in my Response Centre."
"I'm your new partner." Mare answed, then dragged Beon into the light. "Hmmm, you look Middle-Earth Elven, but what's with the short hair? Oh, are you single? Have you been on many missions? Where do I sleep?" she asked in one breath.
Beon took a few moments to try and figure out what had just been said to him, only for Mare to lose interest and begin poking random items.
"Pardon?" Beon finally managed.
Mare rolled her eyes, then asked, "Who uses words like pardon and thy anyway?"
"My author either read too many novels of the romantic persuasion or owned a thesaurus. I ask that you stop poking my possessions."
The subsequent argument, that I assure you would have been memorable and incredibly funny, was alas cut short by a very familiar sound.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Could I see a... significantly longer writing sample? Three hundred words is very short, and your sample doesn't cover areas I'd like to see.
That said, a few thoughts:
Why is a pure-blood Slytherin skipping through HQ while singing Gilbert & Sullivan? This is decidedly Not the Slytherin Way.
Why is a LoTR elf condemned to speak in Urple? We have the technology - in the form of the Reality Room or beatings with large sticks - to fix this.
I like it! Granted, the characters and the story could use a tad bit more fleshing out, but otherwise your characters are creative and original, especially Coriander's urple prose curse. The only thing that caused me any confusion was the fact that her name was misspelt as Mareln, and is now Mare Elm. Was the switch from an n to an m on purpose? By the way, Mare is quite a nice name; did you know it means sea in Italian?
I might have created a Pottermore account in order to find out what wand Mare should have and on discovering she had an elm wand, decided it worked as a surname.
I think you may want to flesh out that piece a bit, mate. It's a tad short.
I'm afraid I don't have anything finished that's longer. I've got some of a Doctor Who fic that's kind of run out of steam and a bunch of plans for original fiction. Sorry about that. *Hangs head in shame and goes to work on a story about airships.*
I don't know about "short," but the "things happening too fast" is probably the reason it's so short. Maybe if you decompressed the sample a little bit, did a bit more description.
I do like the purple prose thing, but I feel like we know more about it from the agent bios than we do from the actual story. Letting the agents talk a bit more before the end could solve that.
No shame here! I like what you wrote! In fact, I like it so much, I want more of it!
Listen, the problem is that it's too short to really get a feel for your writing style. It's not bad, it's just too short.
I'm not ragging on you, and don't feel ashamed. I like it - just give us more.
I'll see if I can add more to what I've already got here and post at some point ... noodles off to procrastinate.
Basically, what Riese said. Also, sentences inside quotation marks have commas instead of periods in their ends.
Canon nitpick: a sheet of instructions would be useless in HQ. In fact, it would be worse than useless, since it'll make the person using it never arrive at the place they're looking for.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7164234/1/Chorniclesofnarnialovestory
The title should tell you enough. The shifts from second to first person, often in the middle of sentences are just the scum on the Ankh.