Anebrin's probably concussed or in some sort of shock. Also, he probably shouldn't be walking if he's running into walls after being hit on the head, but since when have the flowers been great on employee safety?

(Also, technical note: are Fighter, Ranger and the like supposed to be titles? I figured they were, due to the setting and the consistency with which you did it, but if they aren't then they need to not have capitals at the beginning.)

After that, Des' trick of "I've analyzed your fandom," actually reads okay, for Des being in shock/concussed. It does make some sense for ppc agents that come from world one to guess fandoms that they're very familiar with, and it's not especially Sherlock-style specific. Anebrin not having a lot of reaction to what is essentially a non-personal deduction is okay, because, let's face it, Sherlock gets cussed out because he blurts out things that are private in front of all of Scotland Yard. What I have slight trouble with is that Anebrin might be surprised that someone knows what type of elf he is, even if there are multiple types in his home world: either they are easy to tell apart (as they probably are in a videogame) or they are very hard to tell apart, and so far his only experience is within his own world. He does not know where he is, that there might be elves from other worlds in HQ, or even what has happened to him. If it is easy, in his setting, to tell elves apart based on dress and hair color, he shouldn't be as shocked by Des' deduction as he is. (Compare: Hey, I see you have red hair and green eyes, are you Irish? Yeah, I know it's stereotypical, but if it works in the setting he'd be used to it.)

If Anebrin is going to get riled up, I'd think that knowing where he came from would be the thing to bother him, unless the elf group is some sort of secret in the game. Plus, the getting riled up just doesn't seem to jive right with how stunned he was a moment before. He needs to transition from stunned to wigging out over things being crazy, or something.

However, the battle scene read a lot better than the last time.

Right, let's do this. Analysis, ho!

The Profiles

Anebrin: Well, I'm going to assume you've characterised Irdiyan elves correctly... :P. Actually this is quite interesting, because while 'falls through a plothole into HQ' is a common origin story, it's almost exclusively for World One agents. And, going on to the story, it's very rare that the actual fall-through gets written. No problems here, provided he does develop personality beyond 'Is Basically Haldir'.

Desdendelle: I love the idea of 'Oh, yeah, I'm from basically World One, only they teach us axes in school'. However, as with every gimmicky origin, it really needs to be used as something other than a gimmick. If you don't ever mention his homeworld again (do they have legal duels? Are wars constrained to ancient weapons?), it just becomes a way to accelerate his weapons training for free - a deus ex machina, basically. So that's a warning flag, but not a major one. I have no problems with the rest of his character, as he falls nicely into the Standard-PPC-Agent slot.

(Oh, and: argh, more Floaters? Seriously, is specialisation so hard?)

The Storywords

Wow, that's a lot of betas. Actually that almost worries me, since it means any problems may have been filtered out - but I suspect Vixenmage wouldn't let that happen for a Permission piece.

I'm flagging a few somewhat 'off' uses of linking words in your sample - for example, 'as well as that stony, burnt smell the more experienced Rangers and Avengers told the rest of the elves was that of troll shamanic magic' feels a bit heavy on the 'that's, and 'If things would have gone as planned' just sounds strange - but since those are the only two I found in the first page, and I'm actually looking for them, I don't think it's a problem. Again, the second sentence I just referenced is quite long - but I haven't tagged any others as being too long, so it's not a major concern.

As to the rest of the piece: I've already mentioned that Anebrin's reactions are bothering me, and I'll expand on that. He comes across as confused and disoriented... but not disoriented enough. He seems coherent enough that he should be reacting more strongly to what's happening - particularly if (and I don't know if it is) teleportation is possible in his canon.

I'm also somewhat concerned over how lax the Marquis is getting over recruiting proceedures. I'm sure there used to be at least some paperwork... actually Dafydd tells me he had to wait two days for them to find a copy in a language he could read - and then another two days while he filled it out. But this is the PPC, we're a bit haphazard over that sort of thing, so no real problems there.

Overall, I'm quite impressed. I went back and reread your last request thread, and the comments there were mostly that your writing was bland and unexpressive. I think you've fixed that quite well (although, always room for improvement), so unless someone's spotted something I didn't...

Permission Granted.

Go wild. ;)

hS

PS: The glasses-related comment in Anebrin's thoughts amused me, possibly because I've played around with the idea myself. ~hS

I understand that Des is supposed to be an author-avatar of you, but is he also supposed to be a Sherlock Holmes write/look/sound alike? I'm getting this for a) your description of him having a "Sherlock Holmes-esque coat" (Not that that's bad, but the many different adaptations of Sherlock have featured different coats, so it's not really a sound description) and b) his immediate analysis of Anebrin. It's a bit far-fetched for him to get every single thing correct, especially because there are so many different types of elves and The Battle of Wesnoth is not a very well-known fandom (I'm basing this off the 0 fanfics I've found for it on ff.net). Anebrin also has very little reaction to this analysis, which is unusual as Sherlock Holmes gets cussed at a lot whenever he does it. You might want to look into that.