So, here and there, I've fallen into the habit of writing what the Das Sporking comm calls "spitefics" about various badfics brought up in the Discord's badfic channel. For anyone who doesn't know the term, it essentially means writing a (usually short) take on how the badfic scenario could go more realistically, or in a more satisfying way (or how the concept could be written better).

I've also been told I should repost these on the Board. I did start hunting them down, but I think then busyness happened? At any rate...

...here's the latest one! Might as well start recent and work backwards, right?

The badfic: FourMoonsWatching found this Supernatural Torchwood crossover (NSFW), which I don't want to click on again even to get the title or summary. In short: Rowena turns the Impala into a somewhat OOC Jack--in name, appearance, and personality only (he otherwise remembers being the car, not anything about Jack Harkness himself). Why does she do this? Apparently, she figured it would be funny to turn Dean's car into a hot (and clothes-less) guy so he can have a threeway with Dean and Castiel, who are happy, fluffy boyfriends with no hint of even past angst regarding Cas apparently falling completely (he doesn't so much as fly them anywhere, even when it'd make sense--though, to be fair, I don't know exactly when this is set) or any sort of crisis on Dean's part regarding accepting being into guys to the point of admitting to it out loud (and very easily). (While I don't completely object to fluffy AUs, and I can see why people write them, I both personally prefer at least references to how things got worked out--or even that they did--and feel it keeps things more IC.) Once they have that...romp, Jack turns back into the Impala, because that's how long the spell was supposed to last.

I...wrote a different take on it. I'd originally seen the description in the chat and figured it might be the-Impala-becomes-Jack-with-his-memories, which sounded more interesting. Everyone also read a bit OOC to me.

This is my take. It's currently pretty short (and unbetaed); more could potentially be written at some point, but I don't think it'll be happening tonight.

Comments welcome :) Spitefic is only NSFW in implication--more like PG-13 or so.


"Alright, so we'll swing over and--" Dean stopped talking abruptly. Seconds later, he'd pulled a gun.

"Whoa, hey, take it easy!"

The new voice--a completely unfamiliar one--caught Castiel's attention as well. He turned, frowning, with the duffel bag of things to leave behind still in his hand.

Dean glared. "Where's my car?"

"How should I know?" the newcomer retorted. He glanced down at himself. "Where are my clothes?"

"Yeah, where are his clothes?" Sam put in. He'd stopped short in the doorway; now, he frowned at Dean and the newcomer alike as he walked forward to join him. "Who is this guy, anyway?"

"Captain Jack Harkness," said the man, with a flashing grin. "So, you all sound American. Tourists, or is this--?"

"Yeah, welcome to America," Dean said gruffly. "Cas, give him your overshirt. I don't want to see that."

Jack raised his eyebrows. His expression slid over into flirtation, easy as breathing. "Are you sure?"

"You've got two guns pointed at you and you're flirting?" Sam said incredulously. "Really?"

Jack winked, but took the button-down Castiel held out to him and tied it around his waist. "Thanks, gorgeous."

"Hey, hey." Dean stepped between them, keeping his eyes on Jack's face. "Don't try sweet talking him. How the hell did you get here? And, more importantly, where's my car?"

Sam frowned. "Yeah, uh--where is the Impala? I have some things to add to the trunk, if there's room."

"The Impala is gone," Castiel said. He watched Jack impassively, apart from a tiny frown. "Captain Harkness appeared in its place."

There was a collective exchanging of glances, broken only by Jack's cheerful, "You can just call me Jack, you know."

"Oh, God," Sam said finally. "No. No way. No--you don't think he's the car?"

"Don't be stupid, Sammy."

"He could be the car," Castiel said thoughtfully.

Dean turned a betrayed look on him. "Dude, really?"

"It would make sense, Dean," Castiel said. "The Impala was there seconds before we saw him, and there are no tire tracks."

"Maybe he moved it, or something!"

"I'm definitely not a car," Jack put in. "Never have been. And I don't know what happened to yours, either--or me, for that matter. I was in Wales five minutes ago. With clothes on, too, unfortunately."

"Wales?" Sam said. Cautiously, he lowered his gun. Jack had yet to do anything threatening, other than appear unexpectedly, and he couldn't possibly be carrying a weapon, if he was human.

If he was human. The gun rose again, just in case.

"Yeah, Wales," Jack said. "I live there. Have for most of my life, actually. You can put the guns down, by the way--I won't bite unless asked." True to form, as was becoming very clear, he winked. Sam resisted the urge to groan.

"Yeah, the guns are staying up," Dean said gruffly. Jack raised his hands briefly in surrender, then slowly returned them to his sides.

"Dean," Sam said after a moment. "If he isn't the Impala--which he could be--what if the car's in Wales? What if they swapped?"

"You think Baby's in Wales?" Dean looked downright offended. "Come on, man!"

Jack laughed. "Oh, God--can you imagine? I have a team there, people I work with--I can just picture them trying to communicate with the car they think I might have turned into, working on a translation program, trying to figure out what scans to run..." He laughed again.

"You got a number to call?" Dean demanded. "If my car's in Wales, I want to know now."