Actually, there is something after the credits.

How long ago do you think the Marvel Studios folks settled on “Endgame” for the title? I only ask because I like to think they all had a panic when the Taylor Swift song with the same title came out. When was that? Three years ago? I’m not actually going to look it up. Imagine if both the Endgame trailer and the “Endgame” music video had released the same day. How awkward would that have been? For them. It would have been funny for us.

Is that enough rambling? I think it’s plenty of rambling. It’s time to move on.

Spoiler warnings for . . . pretty much the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe. Except for the tv series, since they’re still getting the shaft when it comes to cameos. Due to a typo I just made, I think I just accidentally discovered the name of the MCU OFU: “Marvel Cinematic University.” Okay. I’ll start for real now. I’m sorry.

I barely know where to start. I have a page of rambly notes, that are somewhat in chronological order, but not entirely. To begin with the first scene . . . oh boy. The instant it opened with Hawkeye’s family, I knew exactly when it was taking place, and what was about to happen. The suspense and lack of soundtrack brought me right back to that tight-chested feeling of dread I had during the end sequence of Avengers: Infinity War. The way Hawkeye’s family disappeared made it such an awful experience for him, because he never actually saw them go, and the three who over by the barbecue apparently all went close together, because none of them saw each other disappearing, and didn’t call out to him. Even worse, since he was under house arrest like Ant-Man, he probably had one of those tracking devices on his ankle, too, and couldn’t actually leave, either to find out what was going on, or to check on any of his other loved ones. The whole sequence was just heartbreaking.

It was interesting seeing Iron Man and Nebula interacting. They’re such an odd pair to have been left together after the snap, and neither is really the type to make quick friends. I liked that Nebula started out the little paper football game being her typical competitive self, but relaxed over time. I feel like a lot of Nebula’s development as a more caring person happened off screen while she was on that ship with Tony, as she seems legitimately upset that he’s dying as the oxygen runs out, and has a tender moment with Rocket Raccoon right after leaving the ship, even though she hadn’t really bonded with Rocket before then.

After the enmity I’ve felt towards Thanos since the end of A:IW, it was weird seeing Thanos so weak and domestic when the heroes track him down on . . . um, farm planet. I still don’t feel any sympathy towards him for how viciously Thor and the others took him out, mind you. Dude still killed half the galaxy. It kind of shows how little there ultimately is to him. I mean, he was a strong dude, yeah, but he had his one horrific ambition, and once that was done, there really wasn’t anything left to him, and he just let himself waste away.

I’m really amused with the placement of Captain Marvel just before Endgame, because it made it look like Captain Marvel was going to be taking charge and dealing with all the problems. But then, Endgame hits and she’s barely in it: rescues the Benatar (admittedly important), and then rolls up during the final battle to accomplish basically nothing, then get swatted by two punches from Thanos and knocked out. I love it when the filmmakers mess with us like that!

And even better: the reason Captain Marvel isn’t the problem solver is because Ant-Man is instead! Yay! (Side note: tried to talk Mom into seeing Endgame with us, since she had come to see Ant-Man and the Wasp with us, but all the blue alien people turned her off too much.) I loved that one of the more comic relief characters from the franchise is the main plot driver this time. I still can’t believe his “escape” from the Quantum realm was such a lame thing, though. A rat just happened to walk across the console? Wow.

New Asgard is a sad thing to see. Even though the two older Thor movies weren’t as popular as Ragnarok, I had actually liked having a high fantasy corner to the MCU. Looks like that’s gone for good now. Although there was one cool gold building being built in the middle of the town, so maybe we’ll at least get the visuals one day. Glad to have Valkyrie back again.

Ooookay, Hawkeye is officially scary now. They pretty much turned him into Punisher for this movie, which feels like such a gross departure from his previous personality . . . But I guess I understand why. I can’t exactly argue with taking out gangs, especially considering the state the world must be in at that point.

Actually, on that point: this might sound like a weird complaint, but I feel like they actually made the sets too empty in those early scenes. Half of everyone is gone, but the streets and such look more like 90% are gone. There should be some people still milling around, and using those fishing boats, and taking the now-vacant garbage collection jobs. ~~Maybe they wasted too much budget on cameos, and didn’t have any money left to hire background extras~~. That was a joke, but now that I think about it . . .

I do not like Professor Hulk. He’s a little too far inside the uncanny valley. Either stick to Ruffalo’s human face, or Hulk’s animalistic face. I don’t like that pale in-between look he’s sporting now. I know it’s maybe disrespectful to Banner’s character arc, but I rather hope things go back to normal again in a later movie.

All right, into the meat of it! I love how they set up the rules of time travel here, because it allows all kinds of playing around in past scenes without destroying the timeline we’ve been enjoying up until now. It was cool seeing so many characters from the past I never thought we would get again! We got last words from Frigga, Carter, Howard Stark and the Ancient One. We also got unwelcome last appearances from Rumlow, Sitwell and Pierce. I’m somewhat convinced Natalie Portman wasn’t really on set for this, because the only scenes with her either had her facing away from the camera, or had no interaction with anyone but the CGI raccoon. Oh well. Thor should have been paired with Darci instead anyway. Thor/Darci OTP! It was good seeing Loki have one last mischief time at the expense of the main characters, even though it was back when he was evil.

I super-hate that we lost Black Widow. I understand, out of that character pair, why the writers wanted Hawkeye to return to his family, and that Natasha was pretty big on the self-loathing in this film. I do also like the reciprocation of Natasha being the one to save Clint’s life this time, just as he elected to recruit her instead of kill her at their initial meeting. But Black Widow was cooler than Hawkeye, fight me. (And my brother adds, “And ain’t nobody like a mohawk.”)

Out of the handful of non-snap deaths that occurred in A:IW, Gamora was the one to return. I would have preferred Loki myself. Also, it’s really not the Gamora we know, because even though she was already mid-rebellion against Thanos, this Gamora doesn’t have all the character development she got from spending time with the other Guardians of the Galaxy. It’s kind of cool and unexpected that Nebula has taken on the same sort of role Gamora did previously, though minus the Star-Lord romance. Also, I got weird looks for this at work, but I’m glad Vision didn’t come back, because I don’t like creepy human/robot romances. (My brother agrees with this one.)

Before I start on the final battle, I’m going to list things I wanted to see, but didn’t:
-Ghost, Sharon Carter, the older Ant-Man and Wasp, Abomination, and Captain Marvel’s cat in the final fight (Abomination is a bad guy, but it’s not like he would want the world to end)
-Rocket Raccoon meeting a regular raccoon
-Captain America and Red Skull having a heart-to-heart on Vormir
-TV show-only characters? It would have been easy enough to have them in the background of the final fight without every audience member needing to know them. I know we got Jarvis, but . . . he’s not a super-hero.

Thanos’s new plan . . . holy crap. I think this finally solidifies the truth of his abject sociopathy. Everything he’s done has ultimately been for his own feelings of grandiose . . . ness. Apparently there’s no noun form of “grandiose.” Once he finds out that his future self’s plan succeeded, but people still hated it and what he had done, he changes tactics and basically says, “Well I’ll just make my own universe that respects me for the big important person that I am!” I also found it weird, when the dusting is undone by Hulk, that the sign the filmmakers used to show that it worked was to have birds return to the trees outside. I thought when Thanos removed half of life, he was only targeting sapient life, not animals! Animals are resources, too, so the fact that he wiped half of them out is another sign that his speeches about resource distribution were bullcrap. He just wanted to do something big and important, and be worshipped for it. I hate him even more now.

Back in A:IW, I felt like the . . . four Thanos generals, the night guard or whatever, felt weirdly superfluous. In a movie built on uniting familiar characters, they were introduced and killed off within the storyline, so they felt really extraneous and unnecessary. But seeing them return out of the past, now that I’m familiar with them seemed to give them more mass as an actual, known presence, and they felt more threatening than they did before as a result.

Okay. Big. Return. Team-Up. Battle. On both sides even, since Thanos brings back the Chitauri and Sakaarans from past movies, too. I don’t think I can even describe how triumphant it felt when every film’s protagonists arrived together, especially since it was the first real confirmation we had that the dusted characters had indeed returned. Most particularly, I was excited to finally see Stark and Potts fighting side-by-side with Potts in her own suit, something I’ve been wanting to see ever since her utter smack-down of Killian in Iron Man 3. I also love that the directors’ response to the whining about the three-woman team-up in A:IW for being “pandering” is to double-down and say “ALL THE FEMALE PROTAGONISTS TEAM UP NOW YES HERE IS YOUR PANDERING.” All that being said, this entire fight is ultimately inferior to the fight in A:IW because there’s just way to much happening on the screen, and the human eye just can’t track everything that’s happening. I later read that the entire Ravager clan from the Guardians of the Galaxy series was in the fight, and neither my brother nor I even saw them.

Iron Man and Captain America are both out? That’s bold. They’ve been the faces of this series for most of the run. I can see now why Tony was so important that Doctor Strange gave up the Time Stone to save him; no one else had a suit that be modified on the fly to fit the Infinity Stones. I love that Thanos’s comeuppance is in the form of the same death he gave out to so many others, but what an excruciating end for Tony! And I hate that Pepper and their daughter have lost their husband/father now, after all the time he dedicated to them. As for Captain America . . . I’m glad he wasn’t killed off, and it’s sweet that he found a way to live out his life with Agent Carter, but it also still feels weird that one of the most diligent and dedicated superheroes in the series left that way. The again, I suppose he still had to deal with the HYDRA cell in his new timeline’s S.H.I.E.L.D., and prepare the world for Thanos and all the other problems he knows are coming down the line.

—doctorlit, still wondering the most important question: Why is Gamora?

“Hey Hulk, can we take a spoiler?” “Hey Hulk, can we take a spoiler?” “Hey Hulk, can we take a spoiler?” “Hey Hulk, can we take a spoiler?”