Subject: Commented on AO3! /thumbs-up (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2019-12-30 15:38:57 UTC
-
New mission! by
on 2019-12-30 12:37:39 UTC
Edited
Reply
I said I'd get it up by the end of the year, and that's exactly what I've done.
Edward and Kat discover more about the mysterious newbie Mira as they tackle The Lost Daughter, a Sue who claims to be Voldemort's daughter. Join them as they attempt to slay the Sue while preserving their sanity and avoiding spoilers...
(Also, I'm now free to start work on a new mission if anyone's interested in a PPC Assassin co-write.)
-
Thanks for commenting, everyone! by
on 2019-12-31 08:56:48 UTC
Reply
I've now fixed all the typos and formatting errors. The bit with the dormitories was partly me forgetting to add that bit at first and partly getting confused because the Sue was re-Sorted into Slytherin later in the fic. I do definitely plan to explain a bit more about Mira over the next few missions and interludes - in fact I'm probably going to start work on an interlude going into some of it soon.
-
I liked it overall by
on 2019-12-31 05:01:21 UTC
Reply
This was a quick read, and a nice mission.
One complaint I have is that is sort of felt like Mira's magic came out of nowhere to save the day - then again, the agents were also confused by this in-text, so really I'm hoping that, at the very least, we get an interlude exploring what happened there.
-
Re: mission by
on 2019-12-30 18:48:29 UTC
Reply
Boy, Elisabeth really leaned into the whole dark wizard schtick, didn't she? Made for a simple, straightforward mission for Mira's first, at least. The gag where the elder agents couldn't explain everything out loud to avoid spoiling Mira was a unique idea. I also liked taking advantage of the third partner to play different card games, and the detail about collecting chocolate frog cards.
The assassination got a little dark, there, with Mira's actions. I hope that's addressed in future missions? We don't want actually evil agents, after all. Also, I'm not sure the squid would actually accept a body like that, since it protects students in canon (rescuing Neville)?
Some typos: There's a missing paragraph break between ". . . pulled an item about the size of a finger from her pocket and put it down." and "Edward was attacked by a fit of curiosity . . ."
There's an extra paragraph break in the middle of the sentence, "'. . . but I know that’ll set you up for the inevitable pun so I’m not going to do it.'"
And in the charge list, "'. . . being the uncanonical nephew of Sirius Black . . .'" Aelin had female pronouns in the fic, so this should be niece.
Also, I feel like you should have some kind of clear scene change indicator before "The Sue had apparently been annoying her godfather with stupid puns for the entire car journey." As it is, it seems like the agents are just abruptly walking from Elisabeth's house straight up the steps to King's Cross, and it's jarringly sudden.
Also also, I'm confused by the following paragraph:
Kat grinned and closed the portal, then opened another one to what looked like the Slytherin first-year girls’ dormitory. “Just something I need to do before we go,” she said, and stepped through the new portal to what looked like the Gryffindor first-year girls’ dormitory.
It reads like only one portal has been opened, but two different dorm rooms are visible at once? Halp?
—doctorlit, seeing too much of girls' dormitories, but in a spacial inconsistency way
-
Commented on AO3! /thumbs-up (nm) by
on 2019-12-30 15:38:57 UTC
Reply