Uuuugh, those action scenes are so bad. Action is by no means my strongest suit, but for precisely that reason, I've read some advice on how to write them, and that? That is not how you do it.

I wanna try to fix the biggest passage you quoted, just cuz. Here's what we're starting with:

My attacker was pinned against the wall as a huge hooded man pounded his face and stomach with clenched fists. I couldn't take my eyes away. The hooded man was relentless, each punch delivered with precision, his chest heaving in excitement and his feet rocking from side to side as he relished the outlet for his aggression.

First problem: Passive voice. You don't want passive voice in your action scene. This is pretty self-explanatory!

Second problem: We're in first person. Don't waste time telling us that the POV character is looking at the thing you just described. We already know that. Instead, show us what about it—or what about her—makes her fixate on it.

Third problem: In addition to the mind-reading Mirage already covered, that's a long sentence for an action sequence, and oh, look, more passive voice. So very tedious.

Three sentences, three problems. How 'bout that. So, what do we do? First, we change from passive voice to active, being sure to choose verbs that give us maximum visceral impact and minimum word count. Second, we cut the filler, and we take advantage of the first person perspective to use our POV character's unique voice to tell the readers something they don't already know. Third, we use shorter, more direct sentence structure to cultivate a sense of urgency, and we also vary it so it doesn't become monotonous. We avoid ases and -ings like the plague.

Point two will be difficult, since Kisa has the personality of dried-out leftover rice, but we know her frame of reference includes cage fighting. We can use that to add some flavor. Mind you, I personally know nothing about cage fighting, and if I were doing this properly I'd want to research it first, but I think I can BS my way through one paragraph. Here's what I came up with:

My attacker's back slammed against the wall. A huge man pounded his face and stomach with fists like meat tenderizers. My savior's eyes were hidden under a hood, but I could just make out the glint of his teeth, bared in a savage smile. Like a cage fighter going for the prize, he drove punch after punch right where it would hurt the other bastard the most.

A quick word count tells me my passage is longer than the original, but I think it reads faster and gives a clearer, more immediate sense of what's happening in the scene. "Fists like meat tenderizers" might be a bit of a cliche, but OTOH, it instantly conjures an image of a clenched fist and what it's doing to the other guy. What do you think, is it a good trade-off?

~Neshomeh stayed up too late having fun with this.

Except no one's immortal.

Just their 'perfect souls'.

I checked, but nope, "two hearts split into two" is not a transcription error. That's just how this book is, I'm afraid. Trust me, this is the least of the editing errors to come.

Honestly, I found both the sporking material and your lines quite hilarious. Looking forward to more!

/salutes back