Subject: That's a definite improvement.
Posted on: 2020-02-14 13:35:04 UTC

(I don't have the time to look at your other stories, sorry - I think Zing has done a great job commenting them up, though.)

You've definitely solved the problem of what the characters look like - a simple 'anthropormorphic' or 'two-legged' has worked wonders, so good job there. (Although as the writer of Agent Mmrrowl, I have to convey his disappointment that there's not going to be an actual crow for him to chase.) I think the characters' motivations come through nice and clear, and chopping the previous Corvus-considered-his-decision back to one sentence worked nicely to preserve the surprise 'twist'. (As you've just demonstrated, one-sentence paragraphs aren't something to be afraid of! In the right place, they're brilliant.)

You've also nicely avoided the 'talking heads' problem; your characters interact with their environment and with each other all the time. I actually can't see any overall issues with the story, just specific mistakes that you'd want to look at. Like, the singular of hooves is hoof. ;) And this paragraph:

“Forgive me, but I object to that,” the Pegasus retorted, shaking his head. He then had a stern look on his face as he spoke. “I fear that you may do something reckless and endanger yourself.”

I think you can probably spot what's tripping me up here, right? 'He then had' makes it sound like the stern look just sort of... happened to Cornelius. How did it get there? I'd probably go with 'A stern look appeared on his face', or 'formed on his face', to keep the flow of time going; but you could also just drop the 'then' entirely. 'He had a stern look on his face when he spoke again', perhaps (or 'When he spoke again/continued, he had a stern look on his face'). There's lots of ways you could do it, but the one you have is pretty clumsy. (I'm guessing you originally wrote '... the Pegasus retorted. He had a stern...', and then edited the headshake in and added the 'then'? Good instincts, but you missed the mark on that one.)

Anyway: very much improved. Nice one.


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