Comments & Queries (but no Decision)

Subject: Comments & Queries (but no Decision)
Author: Huinesoron
Posted on: 2012-09-16 15:36:00 UTC

On the Agents: I have no particular problems with Joseph, although I find myself wondering how consistant his personality is. You peg him as distracted, quiet, literalist, and easily entertained - which don't necessarily contradict each other, but have the capacity to do so. Your sample takes that 'literal' in a humorous direction - which is essential, naturally - and also introduces what seems to be an accent ('Closet is very uncomfortable' is syntactically wrong in English, but sounds a lot like what Eastern European English speakers often use). Is that right? And if so, is it modelled on a real person, or just a stereotype?

Andrew gives me rather more worries. Two specific things caught my eye. First, this habit of spouting tropes - while very realistic - has a possibility of becoming incredibly boring to read. A mission where Andrew spouts cliches and Joseph nods silently to them would not be fun - and it's the sort of easy-writing trap one might fall into. On the flip side, you didn't in your sample, so that's promising.

The other query I have is over his transfer. You say he 'managed to get lost many, many times'. In PPC HQ, this strongly implies that he was incredibly focussed on his job - ie, that he thought too hard about where he was going ('It's a bit of a maze, unless you hadn't noticed'). On the flip side, you say 'getting bored', and your sample takes this and runs with it - he tries to force a mission to manifest because he's bored, but gets bored of trying, and is also too lazy/easily bored to do the newspaper puzzles. That sounds more like someone who a) wouldn't do well in Janitorial (which fits the profile well), but also b) would actually get where he's going distressingly easily in HQ. Is there something I'm missing, or is that something you didn't consider?

On the sample: On the technical side, you have a few hiccoughs in punctuation - 'Well at least' would use a comma, for instance, as would 'Well have fun' - and paragraphing - which, I can't peg anything as actually wrong, but you have an awful lot of paragraphs for the narrative sections. My standard paragraphs are probably twice as long as yours. You also have one factual error (you peg Joseph as nineteen in the third-to-last paragraph, but 20 in his bio), but that's pretty clearly just a mistake, which occasionally happen. :P

My main concern is that the narration just feels that little bit off. For instance, your very first paragraph. 'Watching the screen glow a sickly blue' would probably sound more natural as 'watching the sickly blue glow of the screen', and your second sentence just sort of... keeps going. Again, it's not wrong, it just sounds strange to me. (Actually, it makes me wonder if English is your first language, because it sort of feels like a slightly different language structure is injecting itself in there).

I just don't know. I like what happened in your sample - the idea of trying to trick the Laws of Narrative Comedy into giving you a mission is a good one, and Joseph's literalist 'I am in my sleeping bag; it is warm; I will stay in my sleeping bag and do things this way' is funny. You portray their characters well - particularly Andrew's boredom, but Joseph's quietness comes across well too - but the actual writing just comes in at slightly the wrong angle for my brain. I don't know.

So I'm going to defer judgement. Sorry; hopefully someone else with a fancy hat like mine will show up and tell me I'm talking rubbish, but since I can't pin down what's bothering me, I don't want to make a decision - particularly if it turns out to be something you can fix once alerted.

hS

Reply Return to messages

Jump to this post's position in the thread ↴

Permission Request Mk. II - LAUNCH by Crimson Flight on 2012-09-16 13:39:00 UTC Reply

Once again I request for permission.

So let's meet the agents of RC #9001. Again.

---

Agent #1 - Joseph Vladimir

Species: Human - Homo sapien sapiens

Gender: Male

Age: 20 (Born 29th April 1992)

Appearance: Joseph stands at around a hundred and eight centimetres - the average height for most people his age. He possesses black hair with a fringe that hangs over his forehead, a physical trait inherited from his father. However, his eye colour takes after his mother's - a warm brown. His choice of clothing includes a long-sleeved polo shirt in the standard PPC black, along with a grey windbreaker that has the Floater Department flash patch stitched on. He also wears dark blue jeans, along with white and black sneakers.

Personality: Joseph is a rather quiet person, preferring to wait for others to speak to him first, for he is usually too busy daydreaming or thinking. However, sometimes he does actually speak up to either remark on any strange going-ons or just communicate with shop-keepers so he can buy food.

Contrary to popular belief, Joseph actually does have a sense of humour, but rarely shows it due to his quietness. The belief that he is lacking a sense of humour comes from the fact that he takes things rather literally at times, a habit he has failed to suppress over the years. His responses to jokes are rather awkward, so he has switched to merely nodding whenever someone tries to be humourous.

Joseph also possess a rather varied taste in entertainment, being able to enjoy many different genres and series, no matter how radically different from each other they may be.

History: Joseph, as a human being that originates from the Earth of the 'Real World', lived a rather average life in a generic town somewhere in Victoria, Australia. Nothing out of the ordinary really happened to him during this time, the 'Real World' being pretty much empty of anything supernatural.

Born on the 29th of April 1992, the young man of Eastern European descent went to his local secondary college in his area of Victoria, and later went to study at university. After getting recruited by the PPC however, he decided to postpone his studies, knowing that becoming an agent would take up most of his time.

He does plan on resuming his studies at a later, unknown date however.

After a year of being an agent, he now works in the Department of Floaters, for he wishes to do a variety of things in his attempt at protecting the plot continuum.

Weapons: A Carving Knife, because it is perfectly possible to carry one around in the Real World without getting arrested, and it can be used while preparing dinner (after cleaning off the blood of Sues of course.)

Lust Objects: Nyarlathotep from Demonbane.

Fandoms: Anything that catches his interest.

---

Agent #2 - Andrew Jones

Species: Human - Homo sapien sapiens

Gender: Male

Age: 19 (Born January 4 1993)

Appearance: Andrew is approximately a metre seventy-five in height; slightly shorter than his partner. He has messy reddish-brown hair, which is tied up into a ponytail. His eyes are a cloudy blue. His usual outfit consists of a standard PPC black t-shirt and navy blue jeans, but he is known to don a grey sweater at times. His Department of Floaters flash-patch is stitched onto the front of his t-shirt.

Personality: Andrew possesses a rather optimistic outlook on life, and subscribes to the theory that being positive can help one get past all the hardships. Yet he is known to be sarcastic at times, especially when he is in a grumpy mood or suffering from a lack of caffeine.

The nineteen year old is rather familiar with the Laws of Narrative, having been exposed to much fiction during his life. Yet this has lead to an annoying tendency of his, for, due to being a troper, he regularly spouts out trope names to classify those fictional elements, which gets rather irritating.

He is also prone to acting in a dramatic fashion whenever he feels like doing so.

History: Similar to his partner, Andrew was formerly a resident of the 'Real World' until his recruitment into the PPC. Much of his activities from prior to his recruitment are unknown, due to his lack of interest in talking about his past. It can be gleaned, however, from his uncaring attitude and lack of interest in the 'Real World', that he found it rather boring, which could have been a reason for him leaving immediately for the PPC.

When he first began working in the PPC, he was assigned to the Janitorial Division, and spent much of his time traveling through the halls of the HQ and cleaning the halls regularly. During this time he managed to get lost many, many times, until after getting bored of such work, he petitioned for a transfer to another department/division.

This lead to him being moved over to the Department of Floaters, where he works with his current partner.

Weapons: A long wooden stick. Possibly a broom without the fluffy thing. Good for bludgeoning things.

Lust Objects: Sen Yarizui from Ben-To

Fandoms: Random assortment of anime; Power Rangers; Star Trek; Star Wars; Stargate; Discworld; BIONICLE; Several fantasy and sci-fi series.

---

Writing Sample

Andrew stared blankly at the Console of Response Centre Number 9001, watching the screen glow a sickly blue. He only had a vague idea of what he was actually trying to do, which was to stare at something for a long period of time so he would grow tired and attempt to fall asleep, allowing for a badfic to be reported so he could relieve his boredom by heading off on a mission.

Yet it had only been ten minutes since he had begun this endeavour, and he still had not fallen into the arms of Morpheus. Of course, it would be illogical to believe that he could fall asleep in such a short amount of time, but his patience was wearing thin, and he really wanted something to do.

He could try and deal with the assortment of newspaper puzzles lying on the nearby table, but he was too lazy to actually try and finish them. They weren't really his type of thing, and suited his partner more. He was rather fearful of the fact that the amount of puzzles was increasing daily, and the pile sitting on the table was slowly getting taller and taller.

The young man hoped that his partner would actually notice the puzzles and deal with them before their Response Centre became flooded with paper.

His musings were interrupted by the appearance of his aforementioned partner, who crawled out of their closet in a sleeping bag. Joseph had decided to spend a night within the closet in to obtain some sleep, and in order to avoid getting comfortable in a bed, leading to their Console alerting them to a new mission, he had come up with the idea of sleeping in an incredibly uncomfortable fashion - standing up in a sleeping bag and lying against the back of the closet.

"So," remarked Andrew as he turned to face his partner. "How was your night?"

"Neck hurts," was the reply from the other man.

"Well at least you managed to get some sleep. I can barely survive on instant coffee. Oh yeah, we're running out. Could you go get some more? Or even buy us a coffee machine?"

Joseph shook his head, and continued to shuffle along the floor in the sleeping bag towards his destination: the small fridge that lay nestled away in the opposite corner of the response centre from the closet. It was a rather strange sight, seeing a young man crawl determinedly across the generic floor, never giving up on his goal no matter how difficult it may be.

"You could just get out of the sleeping bag and walk to the fridge you know," Andrew said, an amused tone present in his words. "It isn't very difficult."

His friend turned to stare at him, before resuming the journey to the fridge.

"Seriously man. You should really get off the floor. It isn't healthy."

A sigh arose from Joseph, who reluctantly pulled himself out of the sleeping bag, before slowly getting back on his feet. He yawned as he craned his neck to the right, as well as stretching out his arms.

"Closet is very uncomfortable," he muttered, stating the obvious. "I believe I should try the floor instead."

"Well have fun with your attempts at having a good night's sleep," groaned his partner, moving away from the console, "because I'm off to get myself some coffee."

With those words, Andrew strode to the door of the response centre, pulled it open and promptly marched out into the hallway in search for the glorious drink of the gods - coffee, leaving Joseph alone within the rather bland room.

He shook his head once more, and headed off towards the fridge, which he reached with ease now that he was walking instead of shuffling across the floor like a worm. Opening it up, the nineteen year old rummaged around for a bit, before finally obtaining his prize: a bottle of iced tea. Triumphant, he closed the small door of the fridge, and walked over to the table where the puzzles sat on, pulling back a chair and sitting down.

With the lack of missions, pretty much the only way to pass the time was to finish the large stack of puzzles on their table. He had no problem with it, for to him, what could be better at helping pass the time that solving newspaper puzzles while drinking iced tea?

Pulling out a pen from his pocket, Joseph took the puzzle on the top of the pile and began to write down answers.

Permission Granted by Phobos on 2012-09-18 04:05:00 UTC Reply

And according to the clock, it only took me about 25 minutes to make that decision from the time I got the email. What am I supposed to do with the other 11 hours and 35 minutes? Sleep? Actually, that sounds like a good idea.

Congratulations.

Now, if I might offer one piece of advice, find a good beta reader with whom you work well. The second sample was much better than the first, as far as tone and SPaG are concerned, and I sense that a beta might be the reason for that. A good beta can help put a polish on a mission, and take it from "merely good" to "great".

Well? What are you still reading this for? Off you go! Go write something, or whatever it is you kids do these days.

-Phobos, off to sleep

Congratulations! by Huinesoron on 2012-09-18 07:40:00 UTC Reply

And thank you, Phobos, for helping sort this one out.

hS

Plot twist? by Phobos on 2012-09-17 19:17:00 UTC Reply

I've read over the sample and characters, and I think that hS is correct that there is something a bit off in the sample. It seems to me the sample is a bit too formal, but that isn't quite right. It is hard to put a finger on. That said, I don't want to make a decision just yet.

I've read the discussion on this thread and I consulted with a third PG and here is what I propose: email me the link or file to something else that you've already written. It doesn't have to be PPC related, or even funny (though a funny piece wouldn't hurt). I will give it a read over and, based on that, make a decision on permission. This is your chance to show me what you've got.

My email is baridthetroll(at)gmail(dot)com. I can promise that I will get back to you with a decision in less than 12 hours.

-Phobos, semi-unhiatused

Email sent (nm) by Crimson Flight on 2012-09-18 03:54:00 UTC Reply

My thoughts by ShatteredSanity on 2012-09-17 15:22:00 UTC Reply

I like it. Your characters seem solid enough, and will only become more developed as they go along.

The only thing that I recommend though, is that when you switch PoVs, write like your characters think. They both read like they think the same way, which doesn't make a lot of sense, considering that they're two different characters.

So, in short, good job, and keep improving.
Just a comment by Kookija on 2012-09-17 10:14:00 UTC Reply

You're characters sounded interesting. And I liked your overall writing style. Different stokes for different folk? Like how some stories are written as if they are quite serious, while other Lemony narrators. Nothing wrong with that.

*smithes Kookija with a sledgehammer* by Sergio Turbo on 2012-09-17 11:35:00 UTC Reply

Your, not you're!

Even if I am Italian, the your/you're confusion makes me cringe. Don't know why.

What is a smithe? -innocent blinking- (nm) by KittyNoodles on 2012-09-17 22:26:00 UTC Reply

Here. by Sergio Turbo on 2012-09-18 18:52:00 UTC Reply

I put an H that wasn't supposed to be there. My bad.

http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Smite

Are you sure... by Huinesoron on 2012-09-18 21:34:00 UTC Reply

... it wasn't an e that wasn't meant to be there?

Smiths are fond of using hammers, too...

hS

Critique by Ponystar17 on 2012-09-16 20:54:00 UTC Reply

From what I've noticed, some of your descriptions seem to be a little 'Department of Redundancy Department'. For example: "He possesses black hair with a fringe that hangs over his forehead, a physical trait inherited from his father." Mentioning that hair color/style is a *physical* trait seems a little redundant to me, and there are several other examples of such things.
Also, most of your writing seems to be missing the odd comma from place to place.
That is all. Hope you don't take this offensively, I'm just trying to give concrit.
Comments & Queries (but no Decision) by Huinesoron on 2012-09-16 15:36:00 UTC Reply

On the Agents: I have no particular problems with Joseph, although I find myself wondering how consistant his personality is. You peg him as distracted, quiet, literalist, and easily entertained - which don't necessarily contradict each other, but have the capacity to do so. Your sample takes that 'literal' in a humorous direction - which is essential, naturally - and also introduces what seems to be an accent ('Closet is very uncomfortable' is syntactically wrong in English, but sounds a lot like what Eastern European English speakers often use). Is that right? And if so, is it modelled on a real person, or just a stereotype?

Andrew gives me rather more worries. Two specific things caught my eye. First, this habit of spouting tropes - while very realistic - has a possibility of becoming incredibly boring to read. A mission where Andrew spouts cliches and Joseph nods silently to them would not be fun - and it's the sort of easy-writing trap one might fall into. On the flip side, you didn't in your sample, so that's promising.

The other query I have is over his transfer. You say he 'managed to get lost many, many times'. In PPC HQ, this strongly implies that he was incredibly focussed on his job - ie, that he thought too hard about where he was going ('It's a bit of a maze, unless you hadn't noticed'). On the flip side, you say 'getting bored', and your sample takes this and runs with it - he tries to force a mission to manifest because he's bored, but gets bored of trying, and is also too lazy/easily bored to do the newspaper puzzles. That sounds more like someone who a) wouldn't do well in Janitorial (which fits the profile well), but also b) would actually get where he's going distressingly easily in HQ. Is there something I'm missing, or is that something you didn't consider?

On the sample: On the technical side, you have a few hiccoughs in punctuation - 'Well at least' would use a comma, for instance, as would 'Well have fun' - and paragraphing - which, I can't peg anything as actually wrong, but you have an awful lot of paragraphs for the narrative sections. My standard paragraphs are probably twice as long as yours. You also have one factual error (you peg Joseph as nineteen in the third-to-last paragraph, but 20 in his bio), but that's pretty clearly just a mistake, which occasionally happen. :P

My main concern is that the narration just feels that little bit off. For instance, your very first paragraph. 'Watching the screen glow a sickly blue' would probably sound more natural as 'watching the sickly blue glow of the screen', and your second sentence just sort of... keeps going. Again, it's not wrong, it just sounds strange to me. (Actually, it makes me wonder if English is your first language, because it sort of feels like a slightly different language structure is injecting itself in there).

I just don't know. I like what happened in your sample - the idea of trying to trick the Laws of Narrative Comedy into giving you a mission is a good one, and Joseph's literalist 'I am in my sleeping bag; it is warm; I will stay in my sleeping bag and do things this way' is funny. You portray their characters well - particularly Andrew's boredom, but Joseph's quietness comes across well too - but the actual writing just comes in at slightly the wrong angle for my brain. I don't know.

So I'm going to defer judgement. Sorry; hopefully someone else with a fancy hat like mine will show up and tell me I'm talking rubbish, but since I can't pin down what's bothering me, I don't want to make a decision - particularly if it turns out to be something you can fix once alerted.

hS

Thanks for the criticism by Crimson Flight on 2012-09-18 03:40:00 UTC Reply

Yeah, I've noted my lack of consistency, which I'm still trying to fix, along with my awkward and stilted writing style.
Hmmm... by Sevenswans on 2012-09-17 02:14:00 UTC Reply

There are bits where a tone - a kind of quiet boredom - shows through, especially with regards to Andrew, but I noticed some odd syntax there as well that was messing with the tone for me.

On the other hand, sleeping upright in the closet is funny and quite logical.
On the narration. by Ellipsis Flood on 2012-09-16 17:11:00 UTC Reply

The narration feels a bit stilted and artificial. I think it's the long sentences. Things are often described in a very roundabout way.

Joseph is supposed to be 180cm, not 108cm. Typo. Forgot 'y', (nm by Crimson Flight on 2012-09-16 13:58:00 UTC Reply