Subject: Re: prologue and mission
Posted on: 2021-10-15 14:28:21 UTC

I've come to adore the tone of your spin-off's narration. At first, it felt stilted, but by the end, I appreciated the contrast between the bizarre fic occurrences and the reserved, history textbook-style delivery of the information. Makes it feel even more like a mission report!

I was a little concerned about the master-servant power dynamic between the agents, but after reading through, I see that Kaguya doesn't treat Momoka as a lesser. I think they'll make a fine team! I do feel that Momoka got a lot more opportunity to show off her personality during the mission, though. Angry Mode is a funny gag, but we don't really get to know Kaguya too well if he spends most of the mission maddened by it. Hopefully we'll at least see more of him pre- and post-mission in the future?

A couple typos I must report:

In the prologue, we have
". . . the response center they were assigned was not as grim as she thought it was be."
should be would be.

In the mission
" . . . appeared and praised the reader-insert, the saniwa ("Aruji is not a name!" Kaguya exclaimed) praised the reader-insert, the saniwa teleported everyone to the Citadel . . ."
The phrase, "praised the reader-insert, the saniwa" appears twice, and the second one doesn't sound quite sensible. I have a feeling this is a copy-paste mishap?

—doctorlit eaties Wheaties while he readies

Reply Return to messages