Also, warning for strong language

I think you want "badfic-traumatized" and not "badfic traumatized" near the beginning
"Soon, they'd be coming for her boots." is a good line
Diamond definitely walked right into that ink spell
I don't remember reading these agents before, so, to give my first (or re-first) impression - they've got a solid sarcastic banter going, and I like the narration getting in on the act
999% OOC without having shown up does feel like a record
... Zara no! That was a terrible utter lack of a plan!
The vagueness of the fight scene probably helps make it work
"There are no door-to-door salespeople in the PPC!" ... Someone should fix that
David's English teaching background kicking in is pretty funny
"David squeaked (which no one heard, thank God)" is a solid line
Never speaking of Mission Three ever again seems to be a running gag I have no objections to
That ending sure is a way to set up the next mission

Overall ... ow, that was one heck of a thing, and you did a good job missioning it. The one issue I picked up on was that some of the em-dash-based constructions just felt a bit off as I was reading them, but I can't remember anything specific off the top of my head right now. That aside, y'all've put together a solid, funny mission.