So, first up let's look a couple of things up. I can see you've joined up just over a month ago, that's not a long time ago really before asking for Permission, especially as it was only just over two weeks between your Introduction post and your first posting of your Permission Request. I know you mentioned following us before, but looking at the stuff from recently I can see you popping up now and again, and I've checked and you appear to be active in the Discord as well, so while you've not been with us that long you have been interacting with people, which is good. But maybe just a bit more interaction would be nice too.
Right, now that's out the way, let's get to the fun part. The Writing:
Agent Noman: Well that's a canon I had no idea existed, and one wiki dive later, I think I like the idea of Agent Noman (even if I do keep reading it as Norman...). I'm thinking it will be interesting to see how well he interacts with the chaotic-ness of the PPC.
There's just one things that I'm not 100% sure about/I'd like more explaining for on Noman, so his recruitment into the PPC, you mention that he'd discovered technology from the PPC that'd been abadoned during a mission and then it seems to be implied that because he died while in posession of said technology instead of, you know, dying, he's instead dragged into the PPC HQ? As recruitment methods go that seems both needlessly complicated and also weirdly careless on the Agent's behalf given that odds are if it can teleport a dead/dying OC to the PPC HQ it'd be needed to teleport the Agent to the PPC HQ when their mission was done. Also am I correct in assuming that this first partner that is mentioned is also the Agent who dropped the equipment, it's not actually mentioned (althought it is kind of implied, and I do feel like it is something the Flower's would do).
Agent Winifrey: I've got to be honest, I don't know how I feel about this character, the personality that you set up for them in the first paragraph seems fine, and the extra information in the start of the second paragraph backs this up. My problem comes with the last sentence as for me it seems to contradict some of what is said earlier, for example (in my mind at least) someone who is haughty and pendatic might not be as agreeable to most people as the guy who's just trying to follow all the rules (which is more of the feel that I get from Noman).
Just as a couple of other observations, you mention that she's trying to teach Noman's 'the classics' and that she's less learned in 'culture' than she looks, is this Star Fox-verse culture/classics? World One? Madness Combat? You don't really explain it throughly and personally I feel like I want more clarification not just on the what, but on also what you mean. Is she trying to make Noman like the things she likes? Is Noman willing to do this? Is there a reason behind this? My problem is that I feel like this can have some uncomfortable implications.
I would also point out that in your first paragraph of Winifrey's personality when you're saying about Noman's technological level there is quite a large jump in technology between 'opening a door' and 'gun' for Noman to use (do you mean just firing the gun or looking after it as well for example's sake) and that could do with some clarification I think.
Finally in this part you mention Winifrey moving the two through the Word Worlds, there's normally only the Word World singular per mission and it's not really moved through as much as observed.
Appearance: Interesting aside, if she has the head of a parrot, how does she wear a Welding mask? Either it's a small beak or a large welding mask. Is there a reason why she smells like ozone all the time? Feels like an interesting point to bring up. I also worry about her constantly carrying a gun around, weapons are normally only carried while on missions or in special scenarios, so even if this is Noman's influence I still feel like it's a little non-PPC like.
History: OK, so not a massive Star Fox person, but I think I've got enough of an idea of what's going on after another wiki dive to get a good idea of the canon. My question is, why is Winifrey a non-canon bit character, is she from some Star Fox badfic (real or made up) that's just not mentioned? Is there another, valid, reason as to why she, and she specifically, is non canon and why the alternate timelines in the game would cause this 'superposition of
death' that causes her to be flung into a plothole? I know this is semi-answered in the prompt, but I feel like this would be better answered at this point.
Something I feel I should just point out with both characters, PPC Agents are extraordinary in what they do because of the fact that they are, for the most part, pretty ordinary, especially when put against Sues. They do not need superpowers, and if they do have them it should not be something that they need to rely on to overcome a Sue. I don't feel like you are at that point, but it was mentioned to me when I wanted an OC Superhero from an old fic of mine to become one of my first Agents, and I feel like it is something to always bear in mind when you are introducing Agents with Powers beyond the ordinary.
Moving on from this, let's go to the Prompts.
So the first thing that sticks out to me immediately is there do not appear to have been any beta's for these, or if there have been they are not being recognised. I can see your post requesting Betas, but I can't see if there was anyone who said they would. I would always, 100% recommend having Beta's for this sort of thing, they can see things that you might miss and they will help you improve. That being said, no Beta's isn't an automatic fail to me, so let's see how things go.
Prompt the first: So just from having read the first few paragraphs I can tell that this would have benefitted from being Beta'd beforehand. There are a couple of comma's before ands where they don't need to be, a couple of bits that I feel need the wording sorted out "She was in a uniform grey void" should have a comma between uniform and grey unless you're meaning the colour 'uniform grey' (which, yes, does exist), "or where others were" I think needs a 'the' between 'where' and 'others' and "She slammed into a wall the moment as soon as she did" doesn't quite read right, something like "She slammed into a wall the moment she did" or "She slammed into a wall as soon as she did" just as examples.
Going over the prompt as a whole I feel like the writing, with some Betaing will be good to go, I'm less sure on the content. The way Noman is, for all intents and purposes, like "Oh I need a partner for this, you'll do." is a little weird, it's almost like he either wasn't meant to be missioning this badfic and is trying to cover that up (which doesn't really fit with his character) or he lost his partner at some previous point in the badfic, which I'm slightly confused as to why and how that would happen in a way that would keep Noman in the badfic. Also you specifically mention Noman's uniform being green whereas the PPC Uniform has to be black. I'm also not a fan of the way the Stu is killed in this, it almost feels too cold and clinical for something that is meant to be relatively lighthearted and funny as the PPC is. And actually talking about that, while the prompt is told from Winifrey's point of view and that level of confusion about what is going on is actually quite a nice idea (IMO) it doesn't feel like there's any real level of humour in this piece at all. I'm not saying that every piece about the PPC has to be played for laughs, but knowing that there's an undercurrent of humour there makes the PPC what it is for me.
The Second Prompt:
Personally I'd like to see this being either on something different or to swap to a different POV, we're still following Winifrey here in a limited 3rd person POV, and I'd like to see this either written from a more general third person POV or to swap to Noman's POV (either in 1st or limited 3rd person), just to give us a bit more diversity in how you write. In the writing itself, I'm assuming “THE DUMMY’S HANDBOOK TO BEING A PPC AGENT” is essentially the PPC Handbook (it still exists!) don't know if it needs to all be captalised though, I know it is on the 'for Dummy's' books but generally when typing it out it isn't. I'm also assuming in this prompt that the explanations that Noman gives for some things are either due to how Noman rationalises things or how things have been explained to him rather than how they actually work (for example in the halls it is concentrating on where you're aiming for that means you'll never get there, while having a distraction like reading a book is good, focusing on the hallways themselves doesn't stop you from going where you're aiming for). Also RC's have numbers, as far as I can tell neither SOM167168 or BEES are numbers, and while I recognise the latter might be aiming for humour (or 5338 written like it's on an old school calculator and then turned upside down) I don't get the former (and searching it on Google gets me nothing either).
OK, I like the Dummy's Handbook to Being a PPC Agent. I wonder if I can get a full list of contents ;)
So this Prompt seems to try and clear up one of the problems I had with the first Prompt, but I'm not sure if that makes it better or not. Shortly after Noman and Winifrey enter the Floating Hyacinth's office we get this: "“Well, ma’am, after… uh, after you took my last partner away, I went on a little mission without a second. I heard the alarm and just started going." Does this explain why Noman was in a mission alone? Yeah I guess. Does it explain why he got Winifrey to become a PPC Agent? Personally I wouldn't think so, but I guess if he's been made to think PPC missions have to be done in pairs then I guess it does. Although it does raise to me the slightly-too-serious point of "how did he know Winifrey would be there?" And also "What happened to his other partner?", in the Agent Bios it sounds like Noman's previous partner cracked and went to Medical/FicPsych but here it almost sounds like the pair were split by The Flowers. The one other point I feel that should be made is that it is generally the Marquis de Sod, as the Head of Personnel that new recruits go to, so is there a reason why Noman and Winifrey don't go to him first? Or that the Floating Hyacith doesn't send them off to him to finalise things?
As a whole I do like this second Prompt, but like the first I think it could do with a bit of a polishing up with the help of a Beta.
So, final thoughts. For now I think I would say Permission Denied, it's good and it's almost there but I think I'd like to see the whole thing Beta'd and I'd like to see a bit of tightening up on some of the PPC-related bits to make it more in line with the rest of the PPC. I'd also like to see Winifrey more as she is described in her Bio, I think while she isn't badly written in either of the prompts how they have happened have put her on the back foot and seem to have left her quite confused and overawed and I would like to see how she acts/reacts in a more normal situation/one she has more control over.
Nova