>Get up this morning
"Wow, it's been ages (read: a year and a half, because college) since I went on the PPC board. I think I'll just..."

>Reads first line: "Oh God what happened to ev--*snerk*"

Made me laugh so hard I sprayed chocolate milk on my keyboard (you owes us a new one, yes you does, preciousssss). Welcome to the Board!

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Need to quietly dispose of a body? Pour some of this stuff on it (stand waaaaaaaaay back when doing so) and watch it (and the reality that surrounds it) melt before your eyes!

Your intro... I think it blew a fuse in my brain. Of course, I did survive reading My Immortal, so it probably won't do any lasting damage. Since you have no idea what's going on, here is:
F.A.Q For Newbies http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/FAQ:ForNewbies
The Constitution http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/PPC_Constitution
And as your prize for making it this far without going completely bonkers, have a propeller cap. It'll take you wherever you need to go, just watch out for trees!

Welcome to the Board! My name is KittyNoodles, and I shall now attempt to bow with a flourish. -immediately falls over- Dang...

Anyway, one the PPC Wiki there's a whole list of missions written by the agents of various Departments and Divisions - that'd be a good place to start reading, yes?

Oh, and might I present you with a Comedy Ball? It is as heavy or light as it needs to be in order for the situation to be funny. -tosses it gently-

Welcome a-Board! As the local twin in this neck of the internet I feel I should warn you that evil twins are not always that blatant. Your twin may have made a clone of his or her self as backup in case of sudden homicide and may currently be biding their time until the moment they can ruin your life. Or they might be like mine and just copy 90% of what you do. It's dependent on whether they're identical or fraternal. Also, *voice drops to a whisper* don't make any sudden movements. She could be anyone.

*Straightens up* Well then, now that's out of the way I would like to present you with your newbie gift. It's a Reality Simulator* for when you're stuck in a virtual world of monsters and murders and you need a good dose of the mundane. Enjoy!

*Reality Simulator is a generalized simulation and cannot fabricate real people. Any relation to real people found in the Reality Simulator is entirely coincidental, unless of course they are the real people we have kidnapped in order to simulate an actual reality which we have never experienced, we being robots from the 8th dimension. ThatOne is not responsible for any feelings of homesickness that may occur.

Welcome to the fray! Nice to meet you, and your twin from 'half-japan'. I wonder if she'd like to meet my pet 'Sue? They both claim to be Japanese, so they might get along for long enough for you to sneak up on your twin and dump her in a magma pit. Anyway, have a giant pigeon. It might even give you a ride if you ask nicely!
Also, on the note of fandoms... If you ever want to discuss any of ours that overlap (such as Slayers, I also have a full list on my user page), feel free to drop me a line!

Welcome aboard! Also, have some samurai armour - just don't let that evil twin near it!

Hello, hello! Be careful about those evil twins, yeah, my Agent had a Suvian clone who tried attacking an OFU and... well, it wasn't very pretty.

In any case, have a graduated cylinder, and enjoy the insanity!

Then again, we're used to bloody messes on the floor.

Um, I'm Sevenswans, I'm fairly new here too (about a month or so...) and I write original stories, mostly. And I'm now going to give you a box full of tea. Ooh, and have a felt-tip pen, too. It's green.

Clearly you qualify for this group's bloody-mindedness requirement. What are your fandoms?

Glad to have you here. if you're looking for stuff to read, we have writings linked all over the wiki. :P

Have a bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object.

Hi, have some fudge!

Please leave your sanity in the bucket, and have fun!

And, a little advice: dispose of the body of your evil twin carefully.

Evil twins have this freaking bad habit of turning up not-so-dead in the next series otherwise. Seriously, they don't know when to give up.

Mine got shot in the heart, fell off a bridge and... wait, he didn't show up again. But I am sure he will.

Any particular fandoms you read/write/fangirl/fanboy over in?

As a Newbie gift, please take these cans of CAFfeine, contains only the most noncanonical Cute Animals Friends.

Side effects such as being hyper and awake are actually intentional. Side effects such as a sudden urge to run through HQ screaming about the laws of Cuteness Proximity are not.

Welcome to the PPC. Like I do with most other new people I greet, I shall offer you my eternal friendship. You merely need to sign this contract that is sitting on my leaf. Do not worry. My eternal friendship comes with no negative side-effects.

So anyway, welcome aboard and have fun here.