I hope this post isn't too heavy or personal for this community, but this is something I feel I have to talk about somewhere.

Some of you who know me closely might know that I haven't been doing great this year. I've had my moments, but generally speaking, there were a lot more downs than ups, for reasons I shan't go into here. One of the things that has always been my crutch when I don't want to burden others with my problems is music. I'll listen to anything, but this year I found a new band that honestly changed my life - Depeche Mode. (There might be some reading this who already have an idea where this post is going.) I used to sometimes fall asleep listening to Violator back in high school after more stressful days, but it was this year that I truly discovered their catalog, and it bewitched me. Such a dark and beautiful soundscape, such a poetic lyrical world, so much talent and energy. Whatever one might think of their career, I feel like no matter what mood I'm in, there's a Depeche Mode song that can go with it. My mother used to be an absolutely rabid Depeche fan in her teen years - she told me of the Strangelove sweater she spent a week knitting as I showed off the three embroidered Depeche Mode t-shirts I have, each of which I made myself, with the lyrics to Personal Jesus, Black Celebration and of course, Enjoy the Silence. (I'm working on a fourth right now, with the chorus of Halo.) I translated song lyrics for her, and we squeed over concert recordings together. We have wildly different musical tastes, but this is something we could share. My closest friend is also a huge Depeche Mode fan, and I had the time of my life gushing to them about my favorite songs as I got lost in the DM discography.

Two days ago, I woke up at 3 AM, opened the news on my phone with eyes half-closed, and learned that one of the band members, Andy Fletcher, passed away at the age of 60. It was like a kick to the stomach. I've been having a pretty rough April and May to begin with, and this was just... My first reaction was literally "No".

It feels really phony to say that I took the passing of someone I've never met very hard, but this band is half my heart. So what I'm going to do is share some of their lesser-known songs I've been listening to, which soothe me even in bad moments. Right now is a very bad time for me (not just for these news, but like I said, I shan't discuss the rest), but hearing these songs calms me down. I'm very sad for Mr. Fletcher's friends, family and bandmates, and for all the fans who spent years loving this band before I was even born, but I'm so grateful to each member of Depeche Mode for all the amazing music they've created and for everything they mean to me and their fanbase.

Depeche Mode - Heaven

Depeche Mode - Precious

And finally... Depeche Mode - Broken

When you're falling, I will catch you / You don't have to fall that far / You can make it, I will be there / You were broken from the start

The rest is silence. But... enjoy the silence.

(I can only apologize for the dark and deeply personal tone of this post, but it feels healing to share my feelings with a community that has always been there for me when I needed it. Thank you if you've read my ramblings this far.)