Ouch...

Subject: Ouch...
Author: Ivan the Not-so-Terrible
Posted on: 2012-09-03 22:34:00 UTC

I wish I could help, but I don't know the canons well. Also, I've found my own Suvian monstrosity. Two sues, bad history, bad foreign culture, a Sue-nation, all in 300K words (and counting.)

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Group Mission - calling all volunteers! by Araeph on 2012-09-03 17:19:00 UTC Reply

The Uncommon Comma was hopping mad.

Bouncing agitatedly on its tail, the Comma finished cataloguing the monstrosity. Even the Division of Multiple Offenses wouldn’t suffice for this…plague…upon not one canon, but four. Besides, there was often no Sue for the DMO to kill. No, this was a job for the Department of Technical Errors.

Unfortunately. Very unfortunately.

The Uncommon Comma was inwardly divided between urging its agents on to greater heights of pain and destruction for the unholy spirit of Author-Wraith, and bemoaning the fact that it was the DTE’s responsibility alone. There were only four agents and two recruits—and the recruits were still in Medical, being treated for Post-Mispelled Monkey Distress Disorder.

Feeling what was not quite a twinge of regret for dumping this odious task on Mara and Isaiah, the Uncommon Comma sent the report.

* * *

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeuuuuuuurghargle!

Isaiah was startled from his nap by the heretofore unheard-of sound of the Console throwing up. Patting the abused piece of machinery consolingly, Isaiah plopped down in his chair, and somewhat fearfully brought up the mission report.

Will’s Lover.

Oh, great, thought Isaiah. Another POTC bad slash fic.

Then he saw the link: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1422531/Wills_Lover

“An author?” wondered Isaiah. “Why would I get a link to an author? And hey, why is there no mission summary here? I mean, it can’t be so bad that the console can’t process it…”

He clapped his hands over his mouth. He could hear the Laws of Narrative Comedy give him a smirk of triumph.

* * *

Bang. Bang Bang. BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG.

Mara was trying to beat her sock drawer into submission when her partner started pounding on the door. At least, she assumed it was Isaiah. The only other time someone had hammered that loudly was when a line break of rogue tildes had followed her back from a mission and she’d…borrowed…a tazer from Techno-Dann.

The agent had barely opened the door when Isaiah shot through the opening like a rabid squirrel. Even more disturbingly apropos to this analogy were the wild chittering noises he was making. Without the slightest reserve, he grabbed her chair and brought her console out of “sleep” mode.

“Panic attack or manic attack, partner?” Mara asked him.

“B-b-b-bad…grammar…”

“Yes, I gathered that.”

“P-p-plot makes no sense…”

“Which holds true for most of our missions.”

“Unreadable.”

Mara blinked as Isaiah gained coherency. Unreadable. Well. That was something one didn’t see every day. “What’s it called, Isaiah?”

“They. What are they called.” Isaiah swiveled around to meet her gaze. “It’s an author’s name, Mara. There are 35 stories on this mission report. Here, have a sample.”

Mara squinted at the excerpt, trying to translate it into something coherent.

Miley's Prov:
I said "well baby…. I am just scared I mean what if we mess up on raising our son/daughter? Or even now we could mess something up. What do I do Baby?" He chuckled and said "Who needs a hug?" I said "Me" I fell into his arms and he put his arms around me and said "Calm down We won't mess up on it I promise." I pulled away and smiled. Then Lily and Oliver came in. "Hey Lily Oliver" Jake and I said happily. "Hey. Guess what." They said. "HMMMMM You and Oliver are idiots?"

“Thirty-five?!” Mara tried to steady her nerves. Even a veteran PPCer wasn’t used to something like this. “Which fandom? Who’s Miley?”

“Shows how much you know about the pop culture scene,” Isaiah chided her. “We’ve been recruited into Hannah Montana.”

“Urk.”

“And Pirates of the Caribbean.”

“No way!”

“And Mulan.”

“She defiled a non-Sueish Disney heroine? How dare she!”

“And…” Isaiah bit his lip, hoping she wouldn’t shoot the messenger. “Little House on the Prairie.”

Mara’s entire body tensed. “Please tell me you mean the TV show.”

“No. I mean the beloved children’s classic, Little House on the Prairie. Just one of the badfic author’s 35 little banes to canon.”

“LITTLE? This is some of the worst language I have ever seen!”

“Uh, I mean the length.” Isaiah turned back to the screen and scrolled down. “Not one of these is over five pages.”

“So, let me get this straight. The Uncommon Comma, may it rot in the bog of eternal stench, has asked us to go fic-hopping through thirty-five atrocities? We’ll never survive all of that!” Mara fumed. “I’ve grown rather attached to what’s left of my sanity.” Her eyes gleamed as a diabolical plan began to hatch. “Unless…”

* * *

Attention, New Recruits!

The Department of Technical Errors has decided to assist the Department of Personnel with agent training! The missions in question will be much shorter than your average PPC’d fic, as part of the DTE’s plan to bring the newcomers gently into the fold. The mistakes are also very easy to spot in these missions, and cover a wide variety of fandoms.

It is our belief that these “training missions” will be useful to help new agents adjust to the PPC. Veteran agents may also apply if they wish, but do so at their own risk.

Please volunteer in the thread below! (And do ignore the evil cackling emanating from this post. It is completely unrelated to you.)

~Araeph

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Reminder: PPC chat, now! by Araeph on 2012-09-13 00:38:00 UTC Reply

We're in the IRC, discussing this, if anyone wants to join.

~Araeph
Thank you all volunteers! Logistics below. by Araeph on 2012-09-08 15:54:00 UTC Reply

(By the way, if any new victi--er, recruits--still want to volunteer, there's still time!)

Since most of these abominations are short, I was thinking that we could assign three of them apiece to you : your agent pairs will be split up for training. For one mini-mission, each recruit will be under the supervision of Mara and Isaiah, and for the third, the two recruits will have a go at the author-wraith/canon Sues together. (For the more experienced agents, they can just have Mara and Isaiah around for mental support for two missions to prevent insanity. Ah, the perks of being a veteran.)

To help facilitate writing, I suggest meeting with the volunteers in the IRC - maybe a group chat for whoever's available, followed by individual chats scheduled whenever we have time. That should give us a good foundation for this mission-training exercise.

Thoughts?

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Runs, stops, crashes. by desdendelle on 2012-09-12 07:41:00 UTC Reply

Wait for me!
Anyway, back from the Emerald Isle (fantastic place, BTW). 0730 hours EST is 0230 hours here, and since I'm back from a red-eye flight, the chances I'll be up are nill. However, I can be contacted via e-mail, the address being desdendelle AT gmail DOT com, or via Skype (the handle is desdendelle7). I don't use AIM.

Desdendelle... by Araeph on 2012-09-12 15:17:00 UTC Reply

...there's a difference between someone who has not yet applied for Permission using this as a Permission request piece, and someone who has been denied Permission three times doing the same thing.

Your last Permission request was two and a half weeks ago. I hesitate to believe that your writing--or anyone's writing--can make a dramatic improvement in that short amount of time. In fact, I don't think you believe it, either. The only conclusion that I can reach is that your are using this series of group missions to sneak your Permission in under the radar. That is not going to happen.

Please understand that I bear you no ill will, but the fact that you are trying this again so close to your last Permission rejection means that you are not listening to what your fellow Boarders have to say.

I will say this now, and please listen:

To participate in PPC mission writing is to participate in literary criticism of fanfiction. Participation in this literary criticism implies that you are not only familiar with the basics of grammar, storytelling, and your chosen canon, but that you understand all three at an advanced level.

There is nothing wrong with not being at an advanced level. However, several Boarders on multiple occasions have told you that you have not reached that level yet. I will respect their wishes, and I ask that you do the same.

Araeph

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Right, I'll keep that in mind. Is there a schedule? (nm) by OpinionedAngel on 2012-09-09 00:27:00 UTC Reply

How about a group chat this Wednesday? by Araeph on 2012-09-09 01:38:00 UTC Reply

I'm available after work - shall we say 7:30 EST in the IRC? For those not able to make it, I am also available on AIM as "Araeph". During the group chat, we could discuss common ideas, and then I could schedule chat times with the DTE staff on an individual basis.

Ah, ok then, sounds good. (nm) by OpinionedAngel on 2012-09-09 14:38:00 UTC Reply
Re: How about a group chat this Wednesday? by Cyba Zero on 2012-09-09 11:34:00 UTC Reply

Unfortunately that's 1:30am for me, so I'll be asleep. I also don't use AIM. The best way to get hold of me would probably be via email (the address should be attached to this post).

I'm on the IRC pretty often, so I'm ok with that. (nm) by Stargazing Sketcher on 2012-09-08 19:09:00 UTC Reply

I'd like to join in... by OpinionedAngel on 2012-09-05 13:48:00 UTC Reply

But I still have to get around to posting my first mission. I'll have to get round to that...

Don't worry, it's not obligatory. by Araeph on 2012-09-06 02:24:00 UTC Reply

*other recruits start to sneak away*

Except, of course, for those who have already volunteered.

Recruits: Curses, foiled again!

I look forward to reading your first mission when you've posted it.

Alright, count me in, if you can by OpinionedAngel on 2012-09-06 13:28:00 UTC Reply

Here's a few info links:
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Gijinka
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Keats

Oh, and in terms of the mission, I know a fair bit about Mulan and Pirates of the Carribean, so there's that...

I'd be willing to have any of my agents help! by Pretzel on 2012-09-05 09:05:00 UTC Reply

Obviously, they'd be in more of the roles of trainers rather than trainees, but given the amount of responses you've gotten, I think that'd be all right. The more the merrier, yeah? Besides, it'll help me get back into the swing of missioning. *sheepish grin*

Exactly. *evil laugh* by Araeph on 2012-09-06 02:22:00 UTC Reply

In all seriousness, it will be a great benefit to have other experienced agents on the case. And don't worry about going a long time between missions--just look at the dates on my PPCings!

Awesome. by Pretzel on 2012-09-06 04:34:00 UTC Reply

Just e-mail me when you're ready to start.

Oh, nearly forgot! by Pretzel on 2012-09-05 09:11:00 UTC Reply

I know Mulan and Pirates pretty well, and I've read Little House and some of the following books, though it's bee a while since I've re-read them. I'm not familiar with Hannah Montana all that much.

Volunteering! by doctorlit on 2012-09-05 02:45:00 UTC Reply

I've had a new agent pair in the plans; this might be a fun way to introduce them. I know Pirates of the Caribbean and Mulan a lot better than the other two.

Yay, another Mulan fan! by Araeph on 2012-09-06 02:21:00 UTC Reply

Considering the itsy-bitsy size of the fandom, it's nice to come across a couple of fellow fans. And yeah, no idea about Hannah Montana either...but we could charge the fic for the technical errors. There are so many that we might not even have to worry about which fandom it's in.

I think my little brother . . . by doctorlit on 2012-09-06 05:52:00 UTC Reply

. . . used to watch Hannah Montana. Maybe we can use him as consultation? Assuming he doesn't murder me after seeing this post's first sentence.

Dutifully joining the cause by Cyba Zero on 2012-09-04 17:30:00 UTC Reply

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" went the console.
"Alright! Alright! We get it already!" howled Eagrus.
Both agents went over to the console and peered at the screen.
"Well, the good news is it can't be worse than our last..."
"Don't say that!" Eagrus elbowed his partner in the ribs, but it was too late. "Oh great, a link to an entire pile of badfic. Let me see... three continua I don't know..."
"Me neither."
"... and Pirates of the Caribbean."
"Well, it isn't space."
"Why do I get the feeling that won't be much consolation?"
"Are we supposed to handle this on our own?"
"No, something this big will require a team-up."
"Oh. That's a good thing, right?"
"Good that we get backup. Bad that we need backup."

A/N: I don't really know the other three, but Pirates I can do. Now what were you saying about our agents meeting up, Araeph? :) Faced with this, that sounds like a good idea...

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Indeed it does. by Araeph on 2012-09-06 02:20:00 UTC Reply

Though your agents won't get as bad a fic as Tiranel and Melanin are being trained on...

So, how do we work this? by Cyba Zero on 2012-09-06 08:53:00 UTC Reply

Simply because, I haven't done a group mission before, and I don't know how it is usually worked, or how everyone plans to work it this time.

Ye Gods. by desdendelle on 2012-09-04 14:55:00 UTC Reply

Some people don't know when to quit, eh? (The answer: when they're a head, heh heh.)
Anyway, I volunteer for this. I don't have Permission yet, and the only canon in that list I know is PotC, but this guy's stories (we're not going after authors, are we?) need to go down.
Holy Glod... by KittyNoodles on 2012-09-04 02:13:00 UTC Reply

I have seen bad fanfictions. I wrote two or three as a little ten-year-old fanbrat who had just discovered the Internet. I have seen Sasuke Uchiha turned into a whiny little girl whose parents abused "her" and whose brother forcibly married "her."

I have heard of Snape boinking the Teletubbies and finally read Goku hooking up with Anne Frank and killing what I can only assume was Vegeta!Hitler.

I am perfectly happy with all of the above, for one fact alone:

Wills Lover has the [PUDDING!] to go after Mulan and Shang.

I eagerly await the day I am allowed to spork badfics, because my first mission will be to hunt down the first [PUDDING!] Mulan badficcer I can find and set his or her characters on fire.

Kill this one. Kill all its abominations, and then kill it.

I apologize for the overuse of text codes. I am beyond furious. I am so furious I'm beginning to calm down again. I must edit my wiki page. And tape my keyboard back together, as it is very hard to type with the halves on different ends of the room and several keys scattered across the floor. Adieu.

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I know! by Araeph on 2012-09-04 03:51:00 UTC Reply

As a longtime Mulan fan (Exhibit A), I was looking through that very sleepy fandom a few years ago and came across these...abominations...one after another. It was probably my single biggest motivator to finish Leap of Faith.

Some of the, shall we say, lesser stories on fanfiction.net (one included Mulan being violated by Chi Fu and turning into a damsel in distress) should be glad that they were deleted before my agents got their hands on them.
Aaaaaand hold. And step back. by Huinesoron on 2012-09-04 03:44:00 UTC Reply

This post comes very close to outright flaming and advocation of violence against authors, neither of which the PPC condones - or, even more importantly, neither of which the PPC is about. I'm already a little dubious about 'We must destroy everything this author has written!' in principle - specifically the potential for author-bashing it introduces - but your post has edged a little beyond that. Only a little, so I'm not going to start demanding immediate retractions/abdications/self-immolations or anything - but a little. So keep an eye out for that next time.

hS

Stepping very far back. by KittyNoodles on 2012-09-04 04:51:00 UTC Reply

I'm sorry. I had the feeling when I posted that that I was going a bit too far. I should have listened to my gut instinct and posted something nicer - or not at all.

It won't happen again.

It's fine. by Huinesoron on 2012-09-04 23:13:00 UTC Reply

And I never said it had to be nicer... just that you need to adjust your aim a little. :P

hS

Still sorry, though. by KittyNoodles on 2012-09-04 23:58:00 UTC Reply

True. I shall endeavor to be a better poster! -heroic pose, ending with a stumble because pudding-

Stride forth, brave knight! by Huinesoron on 2012-09-05 00:10:00 UTC Reply

Into the press, onto the field; let the glory of the Constitution by thy guide, and the honour of the Protectors thy watchword; and may thy heart seek ever the tumpty-tumpty whatever!

hS, quite, quite mad

Striding! -trips fantastically- by KittyNoodles on 2012-09-05 00:46:00 UTC Reply

I shall! And in so doing, may I one day vanquish the horror that is...pudding.

Charge! -falls over in a screeching heap- A little help...

Ouch... by Ivan the Not-so-Terrible on 2012-09-03 22:34:00 UTC Reply

I wish I could help, but I don't know the canons well. Also, I've found my own Suvian monstrosity. Two sues, bad history, bad foreign culture, a Sue-nation, all in 300K words (and counting.)
Re: Group Mission - calling all volunteers! by SingingTheThunder on 2012-09-03 20:18:00 UTC Reply

*Starts frantically working on her Permission piece in the hope she'll be able to 'volunteer' her Newbies in time.*
I really need to apply for Permission soon. by ThatOne on 2012-09-03 19:37:00 UTC Reply

Because I cannot stand by and let junk like this taint the internet even more. I'm sorry I can't help you on any of this but I really, really want to kill it with fire. The only bright point is that the account hasn't been updated since 2008 so hopefully it's inactive.

Well, what I was thinking... by Araeph on 2012-09-03 22:47:00 UTC Reply

Was that since this is technically a "training" mission, one or more of my agents could co-write with the people whose agents would volunteer. In other words, Mara and/or Isaiah would be there to show the newbies the ropes. That being the case, since I do have Permission, the co-write could count as your Permission piece.

I, too, hope it's inactive. I tried to report this author's stories several times, but no one took them down. Curse you, Pit of Voles!

But my Permission piece is almost finished! by ThatOne on 2012-09-04 03:28:00 UTC Reply

And I have very little knowledge of any of the canons. Sorry I can't help :(.
good idea by Sevenswans on 2012-09-04 00:58:00 UTC Reply

I just now realized that I don't technically have permission yet either - I got sidetracked into helping people out in the reading and editing aspect, really.
*raises hand* by Stargazing Sketcher on 2012-09-04 00:52:00 UTC Reply

I don't have permission either, but I *can* channel my past self and help with the Hannah Montana part. (Give me a break, I was 14.)

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Hannah Montana volunteer! by Araeph on 2012-09-06 02:26:00 UTC Reply

Thank you, thank you, for knowing something...anything...about that fandom. Because I don't think anyone else here does. And don't worry--I know when I was 14, I--er--what was I reading?

Oh yeah. Animorphs. Still not ashamed of that, though. :)

Glad to be of some help! by Stargazing Sketcher on 2012-09-06 05:06:00 UTC Reply

Even if it means bringing up my early teen years. Yeah...

I could probably help with Mulan too, but it's been a while since I've seen that movie. Or any of the Pirates movies.

Can't help, but good luck. by Sergio Turbo on 2012-09-03 18:37:00 UTC Reply

Unfortunately, I don't have any fresh recruit (Nikki's already experienced, and Fiorano is Firemagic's)

Besides, I don't know the canons. But I am supporting all of you wholeheartedly.

Spork the living daylights out of this troll!
A new agent trio by firemagic on 2012-09-03 18:06:00 UTC Reply

Actually, this is perfect timing. I have a trio of new agents I've been meaning to start writing. They're mostly from magical girl shows, but this will be great fun.

The three are Fiorano (the evil twin of a dead girl from Nanoha, with 'shadow' magic, sort of), Cepha, a Cthulhu-themed Puella Magi, and Amara, a Character Replacement of a despair-eating eldritch abomination.

Re: A new agent trio by firemagic on 2012-09-06 15:45:00 UTC Reply

And since I need some filler missions in between the planned first ones and the... other one, this'll be good.

Count Vid and Trask in. by Sevenswans on 2012-09-03 17:33:00 UTC Reply

I'm having a bout of evil laughter right now at the thought of those two being exposed to Hannah Montana and Little House on the Prairie.

(I'm knowlegeable about Little House, Mulan, and Pirates, [though I hear you've got that covered already]though not Hannah Montana.)