Subject: Mistake spotted
Author:
Posted on: 2013-08-12 13:40:00 UTC
In the first story "He walked briskly over to the console and started tapping at it is as if he was searching for something."
I'm not a native speaker, but I think "is" should not be there.
I like these two. Especially Sebak cheating the Ironic Overpower to let his partner rest.
Hieronymus (talking out of order again).
These are sort of an introduction to my agents Sebak and Tish, so I'm calling them the Getting to Know You series.
It may be useful to read Tawaki's mission with Sebak first: http://tawaki-ppc.livejournal.com/9251.html
And then:
"Amending and Apologizing"
"Banter and Big Bang"
"Confronting and Comforting"
Thanks to Cyba for beta-ing, and enjoy!
I think you've definitely succeeded in making Sebak your own, starting with bringing some resolution to the events of his original appearance, then establishing his relationship with Tish, and finally giving him some depth with the dream sequence backstory. Very well done. I like him and Tish, and I look forward to their future stories. ^_^
I'm not quite sure why you made this three stories instead of one—the events seem to be directly and linearly connected to each other—but then, if it were just one continuous story you couldn't do the cool ABC titles. I notice that your blog gives page numbers, though; each part gives "Page 1 of 1." I don't know anything about Tumblr, but perhaps you could make it so it's possible to navigate to each part directly, Page 1, Page 2, Page 3?
The only critiques I have are 1) my on-going crusade to see titles of long works properly italicized, and 2) I noticed several parenthetical remarks that probably don't need to be parenthetical.
A rule of thumb I was taught about parentheses is that if the information enclosed is important enough to include, it shouldn't need parentheses; if it isn't important, it shouldn't be there at all. This doesn't apply to any and all cases in which parentheses might hypothetically be involved, of course, but it's worthwhile to ask yourself why you feel something is a parenthetical remark and not a regular part of the narrative—does it need to be there, or not?
By the way, you mentioned RP. This should totally happen. Have I pointed out the Dreamwidth RP comm lately? I'd love to see it get some use.
~Neshomeh
I completely forgot to respond to this, and I feel bad because, well, UU things!
I live in upstate New York, so nowhere near the Chicago area. The farthest west I go on a regular basis is Cleveland because I have family there. I've never been to GA either, I just know it's a gathering of UUs from all over the country and therefore is a way to meet UUs who don't live near you. It's in Providence, RI next year and I'm probably going. That's why I asked.
If I'm ever in Chicago, I'll let you know. :)
First of all, glad you liked it. I look up to you as a writer and as a person and it's really great to hear that. :)
The reason they're separate stories is because I conceived of them separately. I wrote the first one to do what you said. The second one was, basically, "I want to write elves and Vulcans!" + "What if a Vulcan watched a comedy show like The Big Bang Theory?" + "Hey look I have a Vulcan agent I can totally do this now!". The third was based on the writing challenge here, but I started the story after the thread fell off the page, and here we are.
I italicized everything in the posts, but for some reason it's not showing up on the blog. *digs around* I'm still trying to figure out Tumblr. If I can, I'll fix it.
I've changed some of the parenthetical markings, but some of them I think I want to keep. I'll keep that rule in mind in the future, as I find in my writing that I tend to not so much as go off-topic, but saunter vaguely in that direction.
I was more thinking in terms of when a new RP thread popped up, as I've never done RP before and it'd be easier if someone else already started it. If someone else starts I'll definitely contribute.
In the first story "He walked briskly over to the console and started tapping at it is as if he was searching for something."
I'm not a native speaker, but I think "is" should not be there.
I like these two. Especially Sebak cheating the Ironic Overpower to let his partner rest.
Hieronymus (talking out of order again).
Thank you for catching that. And that little excerpt alerted me to the "was/were" problem - if he were searching for something.
Glad you like them!
I love both of the characters already! Their interactions are really cool.
Can't wait to see them on a mission.
Sebak: 'Sweetie' is not a word that appeals to me as a description. Since it obviously doesn't refer to sugar content, I'm assuming it is referring to emotional sweetness. I don't express my emotions.
Tish: Shut up, Sebak! It's a compliment.
Sebak: But it's false.
Tish: You cheated the Ironic Overpower to let me sleep. That was very sweet of you.
Sebak: Humans require sleep to function properly. I was simply facilitating that.
Tish: Still. You're sweet.
Sebak: I am only logical.
Tish: Can something be logical and sweet at the same time?
Sebak: If you interpret it as such. Which you are.
Tish: Can I interpret your logical action as sweet?
Sebak: I suppose you can label my actions as you desire, though I disagree with such labels.
Tish: Too bad! I'm labeling you a sweetie!
Sebak: *resigned expression*
Gods, I can't wait to use these two for roleplays.
RP-ing them ought to be a fun experience.
And it appears I've offended poor Sebak.