Subject: Sorry
Author:
Posted on: 2012-08-17 18:08:00 UTC
Yep, I suppose that I am not cut out for this. Sorry for wasting your time.
Subject: Sorry
Author:
Posted on: 2012-08-17 18:08:00 UTC
Yep, I suppose that I am not cut out for this. Sorry for wasting your time.
I have been trolling the pit recently, and the waves of nausea it in inspired me has driven me to ask for Permission to take up the sword of (insert purple prose here).
A sample of my writing can be found here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1euVm9gEEvi9npVKeo1i8v29S8ZzBtYgeXy0DS7p0wFU/edit?pli=1
The agents I wish to create are:
Agent Mark: An overly inquisitive, intelligent, smart-alecky young man from a world very much like the Real World. However, after poking one too many things with a stick, he was cast into a Void Between Worlds for a while. Eventually, he was fished out by someone using a malfunctioning remote activator. He was then recruited. He is a jaded cynic, and his time spent in the void has made it hard for him to focus of something monotonous, and may have warped him in other, more subtle ways.
Agent Kiira: A cheerful, bubbly girl from Warbreaker, she was granted sufficient BioCroma to achieve the third heightening by her father, a wealthy merchant. However, she has never encountered any sue colors with of her color-intensifying aura. She get very focused on things, which is why she fell into a gaping plot hole while chasing a bird.
I wish to first write a mission to this fic:http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7489602/1/LysasFirstAdventure
"However, after poking one too many things with a stick, he was cast into a Void Between Worlds for a while. Eventually, he was fished out by someone using a malfunctioning remote activator. He was then recruited."
You may or may not be aware of the fact that there already is an agent with pretty much that backstory. Also, I think you're trivializing that whole falling into the void thing. Being stranded in the void is a thing that drives agents insane. Noir isn't because he doesn't remember, and still, he's messed up and had to spend time in FicPsych.
Yep, I suppose that I am not cut out for this. Sorry for wasting your time.
Coming out of my standard 'silent lurking' because of my love of Sanderson.
1) Third Heightening is... really quite powerful. 'Wealthy Merchant' might not even cut it for justification for it. The thing about powerful characters isn't straight up that powerful = bad, but it gets closer to Sue/Stu territory. I think last time this came up the concern was that you explicitly like having powerful characters for the sake of powerful characters, and that you avoid admitting how powerful a character is in order to get your shiny. This smells exactly the same. The "she fell into a gaping plot hole while chasing a bird" makes me especially skeptical.
If you feel that strongly about having a higher BioChromatic power level, I'd go with Second Heightening, much closer to 200 than 600 Breaths (seriously, 600? It's a freaking lot).
2) Writing sample: to be harsh, it made my eyes bleed a little. It read like you were writing Wheel of Time fanfic for someone who doesn't read Wheel of Time. The result sounded like "Wheel of Time for Dummies." If someone's reading WoT fic, they already know these basics. If some doesn't, it just comes across as clumsy. Other, less explanatory-details-oriented clumsy sentences include: "She paid the scribe the twenty-seven crowns she had paid for Talavin." More importantly, however...
Grammar. You consistently abuse the rules of punctuation, especially governing comma placement with dialogue. In fact, you do so in almost every line of speech. You also left out some periods at the ends of sentences. It means not only are you beyond careless with punctuation, but either your work is un-beta'd or you choose seriously sub-par betas.
On the off-chance you take my criticism to heart and change it: I applaud your decision. However, it came after effectively publishing it. It doesn't count.
Periods at the ends of sentences? That's elementary school material. There is no excuse.
Mainly on the basis of your sample. I honestly only read about a page and a half of it, but that was more than enough. There are spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes everywhere. Some of them would have easily been caught by a spell-checker, which kinda says that you didn't even try to edit.
Of the mistakes that wouldn't be caught by a spell-checker, here are some of the highlights (emphasis mine in all cases):
-You used 'seen' instead of 'seemed'.
-You used 'right' instead of 'write'.
-"The sun beat down harshly on the backs of the slaves being sold, which were bared to better allow prospective buyers to better view their purchases."
-There are several instances of tenses not agreeing. For instance: "The auctioneer began to call out prices as the bidding reach twenty crowns"
-"As the woman turned away, her small encourage followed her"
-You used 'women' when you were clearly referring to a single woman. This happened multiple times in the same paragraph.
So, permission denied. You need to have a firm grasp of the basics before you are allowed to write PPC stories.
-Phobos
Based on knowledge of other canons by Sanderson and previous threads, I have some concerns about Kiira's power levels and abilities, but I'm not acquainted with the canon. Can someone besides StarShadow give info on that, please, since he has purposefully downplayed the power levels and seriousness of various canon abilities before?
On that note, I don't think he should be granted permission due being purposefully misleading.
I can't access your sample. It says I need permission. Try making it "Anyone with the link can access."
-Phobos