Subject: Two things
Author:
Posted on: 2012-08-02 20:34:00 UTC
One: Why do you want a yoshi and a cartoon fox for your agents? You explicitly note that they are unusual. So, why do you want a pair that is so far out of the norm together?
Two: We require a writing sample.
I would like to get permission for a couple of rather unusual agents for the Department of Floaters.
The Agents:
Name: Sketch E. Fox
Age: 16
Species: Cartoon Fox
Home Continuum: Disney Multiverse
Department: Floaters
Partner: Josh
Fandoms: Disney, Harry Potter, Mario, Looney Tunes, Muppets, etc.
Lust-Objects: None listed
Favorites: The Sensational Six (Disney); the Golden Trio, McGonagall, Hagrid, Lupin, Sirius Black, etc. (Harry Potter); Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Yoshi, Bowser, etc. (Super Mario Bros.); among others.
Weapons: Hammerspace, mallet, limited resistance to damage, various explosives of dubious origins, cartoon physics (animated continua only)
Sketch is a cartoon fox, and a former apprentice to a particularly disturbing Witch!Potion Seller!Sue. He has a slim build, wide eyes, and a particularly bushy tail. Often dresses in a pair of gray slacks, a blue waist-coat, a white shirt and a fez. Generally the more energetic of the two, he tends to ramble a lot, especially when he's nervous or angry. He also has a tendency to scare easily, and as a consequence, he hates doing missions in horror-themed continua.
Name: Josh
Age: 20 (human years)
Species: Yoshi (Purple)
Home Continuum: Super Mario Bros.
Department: Floaters
Partner: Sketch E. Fox
Fandoms: Various anime and video games, can do Harry Potter or DC Universe in a pinch
Lust-Objects: None listed
Favorites: Too many to list, but especially the main characters of Super Mario Bros.
Weapons: Egg Throwing, Flutter Jump, high agility and strength, sticky tongue (Note that these are only when he is in his usual form. When disguised as a human, or something similar, he generally uses a short sword or a Glock 17C pistol)
Before joining the PPC, Josh was a Background Yoshi living on Yoshi Island, in the Super Mario Bros. continuum. One day, he took a wrong turn while looking for berries, and accidentally ended up angering a tribe of Spear Guys. While running from the enraged Spear Guys, Josh jumped into a random Warp Pipe, which he hadn't noticed before. The Warp Pipe turned out to be a plot hole, and he wound up frightening the Cafeteria staff when he burst out of one of the kitchen sinks. After some initial confusion, he was duly recruited into the PPC and paired up with Agent Sketch.
Josh is a typical example of a Purple Yoshi, right down to the dark red boots that make up the entirety of his casual dress. He's the more relaxed of the two, and the one who usually has to get Sketch out of trouble. Like all Yoshis, Josh is a big eater, and will try to sneak as much food as he can from various canonical banquets and celebrations. He also has a surprisingly good aim, but only with one-handed firearms or his eggs. Any other weapon, either thrown or fired will miss, no matter what kind of precautions he takes.
Requested RC Number: 3913
If you see any way these two characters could be improved, please let me know. Thank you!
This is the fic I'll be sporking, if there aren't any objections: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7914422/1/TheDarkHeirofLord_Voldemort
There seems to be a pattern...
Congratulations! Cookie?
One: Why do you want a yoshi and a cartoon fox for your agents? You explicitly note that they are unusual. So, why do you want a pair that is so far out of the norm together?
Two: We require a writing sample.
The one thing I noted that you might want to work on is some of Sketch's rather fast decisions. Not the one to join the PPC, but things like this:
Whoever they were, they knew he was in there. This was not good at all. Sketch knew that if the mistress were to find anybody upstairs, he would be blamed for it. Plus, he had no idea what these strangers wanted. He could only hope that it didn’t involve his getting harmed.
Whatever the strangers wanted, he wasn’t going to know about it unless he let them in.
That reads as 'Oh no, they're here to hurt me! I'd better let them in' - which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. :P There's a couple of other examples, so make sure your characters' decisions follow a certain logic (even if it's nonsense logic), but other than that, go for it!
hS
I wasn't entirely convinced by the reasoning or writing sample, but not to the point to deny it, so I was about to pass the buck to someone else to decide.
That said, I did see more issues than what you just pointed out- such as the lack of humor.
-July onna phone
I agree that the sample wasn't overtly funny (I tend to miss that sort of general thing), but I think it had it's moments. "There's been a mistake" was pretty funny. I also think much of the humour will come from interplay between the agents - whereas the sample agents were tied up being expisitors.
Well, if theusualsuspectshines needs some help improving the missions once they're written, I'm sure there'll be lots of people to help. Concrit isn't a swear-word, after all--!
hS, seriously considering adding extraneous words just to annoy July-onna-phone so hey everyone how are you I am fine worble worble squib splot
It's the typing bit.
And idunno if there's much by way of concrit available here anymore.
... much by way of writing, either, of late. So, y'know.
... does this mean I should actually be asking you to describe in detail your feelings about pears (of all variety)?
hS