Subject: Re: Hungry Wine
Author:
Posted on: 2012-07-26 02:06:00 UTC
*if* it is not already taken. Sorry.
Subject: Re: Hungry Wine
Author:
Posted on: 2012-07-26 02:06:00 UTC
*if* it is not already taken. Sorry.
OK then. I have recently finished my latest mission, starring Agents Lana and Narav. Many thanks to Data Junkie for beta-ing. However! This mission does contain references to child abuse--nothing NSFB/NSFW, but it is there.
And, onto the mission:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ELPJWR8MnxfIKn7d6dt-34ewEL_L2MJc0Wbaxo3V0jY/edit
Loot:
- 'Hungry Wines'. It's probably alcohol that makes you hungry, or that eats items left near it and refills itself through that. Whatever you want, I guess.
Minis:
-water bender (mini-Unagi)
-earth bender (mini-Badgermole)
-fire bender (mini-dragon)
ANd the mini-fire-ferrets:
fire ferrets, fireferrets, avatar, probending, probend,and probending arena.
A most excellent mission! This is one of those missions where I really feel no sympathy for the Sue at all; she was treating her pet with more attention and care than her own brother! I'm glad Nathan is under the Nursery's care, now.
I liked the scene at the end. Letting real dragons take care of the imposter was an excellent choice. Having the Sue Wraith take over her dead pet's body to attack was, frankly, awesome.
Now, my traditional and obnoxious Pointing Out Of Errors.
Narav began to swallow Bleeprin as the Sue somehow pulled on the tiny costume, but as her limbs and body warped in order to fit it. Something's missing in that second clause.
As the two agents watched, he changed from a toddler to about a thirteen. Thirteen-year-old. (I don't think you intended to turn him into one of those number Muppets from Sesame Street.)
Your asterisked note of noodle advertisements: It's a good joke, but I think it would be better either at the end of whole story, or as a parenthetical right in the same paragraph. It reads really out of place where it is, and I was trying to figure out why an ad had spawned in the middle of a GoogleDoc.
The two OCs had some a few lines of dialogue, before Lexi ran upstairs to dress. Either some or a few. Not both.
She had barely noticed the fact that a sentence had ben inserted into the narrative, she was so happy they were almost done. Pleased to meet Mr. Ben Inserted!
She looked at where he’d been standing, and wsa shocked. "was"
After we get those, I think that that random alcohol in that bar to set the house on fire.” Missing a verb, methinks.
I quite enjoyed incinerating that Sue, and thank you for the concrit!
I especially liked how you managed to convey the information necessary to understand the 'verse though the agents' conversations. My only nitpick would be the use of an internet connection to check the rules of pro-bending. Where's the reception coming from? I remember a Pocket Fictionary being used in a situation like this once. I can't find any mention of it on the wiki (aside from the Claimed badfic page), but I think it appeared in one of Suicide and Diocletian's missions...
Loving that reference to the PPC Card Game. I also liked the snarking with the making-pancakes-in-a-house-scene:
"I think that’s it, unless you want to go more in-depth on the pancakes."
Priceless. Keep 'em coming!
... Jay using a laptop to post a review while in a mission once...
hS
It's just in my mind it makes more sense for agents to use as less uncanonical tech as possible (excluding the DoSAT gadgets or other inoffensive items such as binoculars, thermos flasks, etc...).
Sorry 'bout that, carry on.
In the disclaimer, there's a missing space between 'it.' and 'Many thanks', and it should be 'mission', not 'missions'.
Oh, damn. Now I feel like a bad beta for missing those. Sorry, firemagic.
Can I have the hungry wine, it is not already taken. I have some Ideas for that.