-sob- I just finished reading the Bionicle fanfic currently on the Unclaimed Badfic page (A new world, capitalization theirs entirely) through sheer force of will, a lot of snarky comments, and promises of Sue-death in a Notepad document interspersed between a rudimentary charge list. I had Googled the Sue's name at one point because I hadn't seen the author's username then and found the author's ff.net profile via that Google. Three fanfics: my eventual prey, and the... things... I'm presenting now.

Thing one:
New Team Member, a Stargate SG-1 fanfic set at the beginning of season 2 according to the author.
Quoth the summary:
A young girl enters the SGC claiming to be from the species who built the Stargates.

Fifteen year old girl described as having perfect white skin. The prose is less beige than the Bionicle thing... but not by much. At all. According to the summary she's an Ancient, and I'm side-eying her already just from that and her perfect skin. Also she's in Pompeii and had moved there 'a few days ago before the volcano had erupted', quoth the fic. Has a probably-a-jumper-but-too-vague-to-be-sure. Goes to the SGC, OOCs everyone into just taking her to the Stargate instead of pointing guns at this nut. 1,324 words over two chapters and a chapter/author's-note. Author's abandoned it.

Charges, you ask? This Sophie's a Mary Sue, of course. Being described as perfect. Causing beige prose. Causing Glodforsaken abuse of the English language: to whit, dialogue by a new speaker not being put on a new line and other wanton cruelty to the common nearly everything punctuation related. Having ill-described and seemingly omniscient tech: to whit, that ship of hers, which showed her 'all the history I've missed since I was asleep' and also told her about the SGC and made her modern clothing. Going to Cheyenne Mountain and asking about the Stargate and not getting looked at horrifically suspiciously. More abuse of the English language: to whit, your/you're confusion, put into the mouth of Daniel ******* Jackson of all people er um yes where was I. Being an Ancient without good reason for being on Earth and in a body. Causing godawful sudden shifts in the story's current location in space-time without even a horizontal rule to warn us, though it is on fanfiction.net so it could be that the site ate those. Causing OOC in the form of blithe introductions to main cast members with only token suspicion from Jack O'Neill and I'm pretty sure that was only put in so he could have seen the error of his ways though, again, abandoned. Causing mental injury to an Intelligence agent: to whit, ME. Ow.


Thing Two:
AllSpark Reborn, a Transformers fanfic.
Quoth the summary:
The Decepticons kidnap Sam and Mikaela's baby until eighteen years later...

I don't know much about Transformers, but this is certainly confusing with what I do know. Why do the Decepticons care about a little sprog? What is even going on in the second chapter? Oh right, beige fog of DOOM. I have nigh-on no idea what's going on but it smells like badfic. The dialogue is at least readable due to proper conventions being followed, but the prose is bland as the other two and seriously, seriously what is even. But there's this one Transformer that the Sue is friends with or something who was pretending to be a Decepticon but then took off a disguise creator and his coloring changed and he had an Autobot logo... yeah I give up I'll just put this in the capable hands of someone who knows the fandom, it is utterly incomprehensible to me.

Just...WHAT. I'll have to keep that one in mind for sporking...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8233230/1/DreamsandLove
Name: Dreams and Love
Canon: Harry Potter
Author: DoctorTARDIS12
Rating: T
Summary: Alice Potter is the little sister of the James Potter we all know and love. Something dark is following Alice. Can she handle falling in love? Can Remus figure out what's going on? Why is Remus avoiding Alice? I suck as these summery things. :l NOTE: MY LAPTOP BROKE, I DO NOT KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE ME TO FIX IT. STORY WILL BE UPDATED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. :l

I'm too tired to think completely well, but this was in my favourites to be reported, so here it is.
I'm guessing 'Alice' is a 'Sue, but I could probably do with someone checking it to make sure.


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8233232/1/Onereasoninuyasha
Name: One reason inuyasha
Canon: Inuyasha
Author: Breeluv
Rating: T
Summary: "inuyasha give me one reason ONE! Why I should stay here!" Disclaimer:I don't own anything!

This is either a troll or... well, I don't want to think about the other possibility, really.
Bad SPaG, a random POV change in the middle, and I have troublr working out what's really happening. Although that might be because I'm sleepy.
But really, bad SPaG is bad


And finally...
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8227379/1/CodeVixen
Name: Code Vixen
Canon: Code Lyoko
Author: Shamira the Guardian
Rating: K
Summary: A new girl comes to kadic Academy and she already knows Odd. What does she know of Lyoko and when all hope is lost will she save the day.

I'm just going to say ''Sue' and leave it at that, really... I'm not sure if we have many/any people who know Code Lyoko anyway, ahaha... ^^' But still, a 'Sue is a 'Sue.
There's no reason for the 'Sue to even know about XANA and everything, but she does. For some reason. And they let her into Lyoko when they don't know her well. --


...yeah, just trying a new way of reporting badfics. Although the 'Name' part is obviously from the #Department of Redundancy Department.
And yeah, I've been busy lately so I thought I'd get reporting badfics to make up for it. ^^'

But I've been looking at the author's page on FF.net, and... I don't know what to think. I enjoy My Immortal because it's a) so ridiculously biased and niche that I can laugh at it, and b) it could be a troll, but it could be real, and that adds mystery and also humour. I enjoy the works of Sue Mary because she's a) so ridiculously over-the-top that it's hilarious, and b) obviously a troll, but quite possibly doing it to mock other trolls, which makes it a million times more enjoyable. The guy behind THIS (dave-carpenter123) seems, if he's a troll, to be aiming for the best of both worlds, and hitting all over the place. The other interesting thing about him is that he's produced nine fanfics so far, all of them dated June 21st. Nine in one day. ONE DAY. None of them are good (at all), but none of them are particularily funny, either (with the possible exception of his Tom and Jerry fic - my reaction was essentially "That's it?!") Truly, this is a remarkable human being. Maybe. I'm probably about to be alerted to a dozen authors just like him, but in my mind, he's an impressive troll. Unless, of course, he isn't a troll at all, in which case all bets are off.

I'd say yeah, he is almost certainly a troll.

(For example, in his Portal fic, this is a complete log of every time the name "Chell" appears:
Chell
Chel
chell
cellch
chelehe
CEHELCHE
cheleoele
chreselelsslleelwechelele
cheheheelehelehxhcaa

I have to believe that this is impossible to do genuinely.)

(On the other hand, mini-frankenturrets for everyone!)

that it tacks another line on after "the end". THREE TIMES.