Subject: Re: Requesting Permission
Author:
Posted on: 2012-04-29 23:51:00 UTC
I'm glad you are taking this so well. I should have mentioned earlier that there are some good points in your request. Your spelling and punctuation are pretty good and your characters have potential. You just really need to focus on style, sentence structure, and making sure it all makes sense.
-Phobos
I think I've assimilated myself quite nicely, so here, let's meet the members of Response Centre 9001, Department of Floaters.
Agent #1 - Joseph Vladimir
Species: Human - Homo sapien sapiens
Gender: Male
Age: 20 (Born 29th April 1992)
Appearance: Joseph is a somewhat tall person, standing at around a metre eighty, which isn't actually that tall, seeing that it is merely a few centimetres taller than average. He possesses black hair with a fringe that hangs over his forehead , a physical trait inherited from his father. However, his eye colour takes after his mother's - a warm brown. His choice of clothing includes a long-sleeved polo shirt in the standard PPC black, along with a grey windbreaker that has the Floater Department flash patch stitched on. He also wears dark blue jeans, which is expected, seeing that everyone needs to wear pants.
Personality: Joseph is a rather quiet person, preferring to wait for others to speak to him first, possibly due to the fact that he may or may not be daydreaming nearly every single moment of the day. However, at times he does actually speak up, possibly to remark on whatever strange thing is going on at the current time, or when he is ordering food from wherever he buys his food at, or when he is servicing people as a worker at his local Subway restaurant.
Contrary to popular belief, Joseph actually does have a sense of humour, but rarely shows it, seeing that he doesn't actually talk much to people. The belief that he is lacking a sense of humour comes from the fact that he takes things rather literally at times, a habit he has failed to suppress over the years. However, he has learnt to merely accept the joke without trying to understand it, knowing that his responses are rather awkward for whoever he is speaking to at the time.
Joseph is also somewhat addicted to all works of fiction, and immerses himself in whatever fandom he has found himself liking, until he finally gets somewhat bored of getting addicted to it and moves on to something else. However, he still goes back to past fandoms every now and then to relive the joy that comes from experiencing the stories of said fandom.
History: Joseph, as a human being that originates from the Earth of the 'Real World', lived a rather average life in Victoria, Australia. Obviously this may sound clichéd, but in this instance, an 'average' life means that there were absolutely no supernatural occurrences or anything else that goes against the natural laws of the 'Real World'.
Born on the 29th of April 1992, the young man of Eastern European descent went to his local secondary college in his area of Victoria, and later went to study at Melbourne University, where he still goes to despite the fact that he now works for the PPC. It was around this time when he ended up getting recruited into the organisation by some agents, which reduced his study time greatly.
However, he somehow managed to balance both PPC work and studying successfully, and even managed to get a part time job at his local Subway restaurant, because he needs an actual salary.
After a year of being an agent, he now works in the Department of Floaters, for he wishes to do a variety of things in his attempt at protecting the plot continuum.
Weapons: A Carving Knife, because it is perfectly possible to carry one around in the Real World without getting arrested, and it can be used while preparing dinner (after cleaning off the blood of Sues of course.)
Lust Objects: Nyarlathotep from Demonbane.
Fandoms: Mecha-related series (Mazinger Z, Getter Robo, Gundam, etc.); the Nasuverse and Magical Girls in general (Lyrical Nanoha, Pretty Cure, etc.). He also is interested in several other fandoms.
---
Agent #2 - Andrew Jones
Species: Human - Homo sapien sapiens
Gender: Male
Age: 19 (Born January 4 1993)
Appearance: Andrew, despite being the average height for most people his age (a metre and seventy-five centimetres), appears to be rather short, due to the fact that his partner is taller than him. He has reddish-brown hair, which is rather messy, and is tied up into a ponytail. His eyes are a cloudy blue. His usual outfit consists of a standard PPC black t-shirt and navy blue jeans, but he is known to don a grey sweater at times. His Department of Floaters flash-patch is stitched onto the front of his t-shirt.
Personality: Andrew is a somewhat energetic person, and possess a rather optimistic outlook on life. He subscribes to the theory that being positive can help one get past all the hardships of life. However, he is known to be rather sarcastic at times, when there are too many things for him to handle, and when he is too grumpy and tired to actually try and be positive. Or when he doesn't get his daily dose of coffee.
The nineteen year old, having been exposed to many forms of fiction over his life (along with being a Troper), can easily recognise what literary devices/plot points/etc. are coming up, for many 'tropes' are repeated over and over again in works of fiction, for there is no original idea, merely recycled ones. This has also given him the habit of randomly quoting TvTropes (which is incredibly irritating for everyone), and trying to see if the Laws of Narrative work inside badfics.
He can also be rather dramatic.
History: Like his partner, Andrew was also a resident from the 'Real World'. Unlike his partner however, he doesn't actually seem to have many connections to his homeworld, possibly because he never actually mentions what his life was like before joining the PPC. However, it is assumed that he found it somewhat boring, which lead to his recruitment.
As an agent in the PPC, he ended up getting placed in the Janitorial Division for quite some time, before being shuffled over into the Department of Floaters.
Weapons: A long wooden stick. Possibly a broom without the fluffy thing. Good for bludgeoning things.
Lust Objects: Sen Yarizui from Ben-To
Fandoms: Random assortment of anime; Discworld; Power Rangers; Some Sci-Fi series.
---
Writing Sample:
Andrew yawned as he continued to browse through the summaries of every single Star Trek episode that had its own page on Wikipedia, the sickly dim light of his monitor being the only light source in the dark room. He had absolutely no idea how long he had been reading, but he didn't really either way, for he was rather fascinated by the episode summaries.
A small voice in his mind told him that Memory Alpha had more information, but he ignored it, knowing that he'd end up reading all the pages on the Star Trek wiki if he decided to venture there.
A quick glance at the clock in the lower right corner of his monitor told him the time. 5 AM. Possibly in the morning, seeing that it was a bit too dark for it to be 5 PM. With the revelation of the time, the nineteen year old realised that he had been reading through the episode summaries for eight hours non-stop, without any food, drink or trips to the bathroom.
"I missed dinner?" he thought aloud, despite the fact that it was perfectly possible to think without voicing it in the physical realm. "Bugger. I should really cook up something."
However, whatever plans he had for cooking a meal for himself in the early morning were interrupted by the appearance of Joseph, who, for some strange reason, had most of his body inside a sleeping bag, and was sleepily crawling through the room towards their shared kitchen.
"Why are you awake?" asked the teenager slowly as he looked incredulously at his friend.
"Breakfast," was the simple clipped reply as Joseph ignored Andrew once more as he continued to crawl along the floor.
"But it's only ..." Andrew glanced at the time once more. " ... 5.05 AM! Why would you have to eat breakfast at this time?"
"Allows for more time in day."
Andrew groaned, wondering why he had such an enigmatic partner. Sure, he too was awake at such a time, but he had a better reason than 'Early breakfast so I spend more time doing things'. Well, it wasn't actually that good of a reason, seeing that he had been spending eight hours reading through episode summaries of Star Trek.
"You know what," he muttered. "Make me something as well. I'm hungry. Just don't make cupcakes. I despise cupcakes."
There was no reply from Joseph, who had already disappeared into the kitchen. Several seconds later, the lights in the aforementioned part of the house turned on, the brightness of the glow even managing to illuminate the darkness of the room Andrew was in. This also had the side-effect of hurting Andrew's eyes, seeing that he didn't have time to adjust to the light.
"OH GOD MY EYES! THEY BURN!"
As the nineteen year old continued to dramatically scream, Joseph continued to make breakfast, his lower body still inside his sleeping bag. It was a daily routine, with the only difference today being the presence of Andrew, meaning that he would have to make more than just a meal for himself. He paused for a moment, wondering if he should make waffles or pancakes, before finally deciding to just settle with French toast.
From the living room, a cracking noise was heard.
"JOSEPH! I THINK I BROKE THE CHAIR!"
The twenty year old shook his head, and, after quickly turning off the gas, made his way towards the living room once more.
Just another usual morning for the two agents.
Let's get straight to the point. Permission Denied. There are a number of reasons for this.
1) You contradict yourself several times in this post.
"Joseph is a somewhat tall person, standing at around a metre eighty, which isn't actually that tall"
"Andrew, despite being the average height for most people his age (a metre and seventy-five centimetres), appears to be rather short"
"Just another usual morning for the two agents." In this case, you've been telling us how this isn't a usual morning for them.
2) Modifiers like perhaps, may or may not, somewhat, and possibly are fine to use, in moderation. If you use them to much, like you did in this post, they make it impossible to determine what is actually being said. There are a lot of modifiers in this post that are unnecessary.
I can see what you are trying to do with some of it. You are going for ironic humor. However, you keep doing the same thing over and over again, with too many modifiers, and it is really falling flat.
3) Logic errors.
Joseph is in the PPC, going to University, and working a part-time job. That is a huge amount of work. When does he find time to sleep? Or study? Or spend his money?
Andrew has been reading Wikipedia for eight hours. It is 5AM now, so that means he started around 9PM. Why would he even think that it was possible that it was 5PM? That would be 20 hours of no food, drink, or trips to the bathroom.
4) There is absolutely no indication that these guys are in the PPC, except for the last line. Them not being in the PPC wouldn't have been a problem, but the fact that they are raises issues. They have a house, apparently, which means they aren't in RC 9001. They have time to sleep and read 8 hours worth of Wikipedia, without interruption from a console. There is no console, that I can tell.
5) "Breakfast," was the simple clipped reply as Joseph ignored Andrew once more as he continued to crawl along the floor. If you don't know what is wrong with this sentence, read this article on the wiki: As Disease
6) When I saw this request my first reaction was, "Who?" You say you've assimilated nicely, but I read the Board daily and I do go into the chat (infrequently, true, but still), and I had no idea who you were.
Long story short, I am denying permission mainly based on your level of writing not being high enough. Not knowing who you are is easily fixed, but the writing is going to need some work before you are ready to write for the PPC.
So, please, hang around some more, work on your writing, and ask again when you're ready.
-Phobos
Ah, I see. Thanks for the input. I'll try and work on my writng then.
I'm glad you are taking this so well. I should have mentioned earlier that there are some good points in your request. Your spelling and punctuation are pretty good and your characters have potential. You just really need to focus on style, sentence structure, and making sure it all makes sense.
-Phobos
Thanks. I just have some problems with structuring things and contradictions.
When talking about contradictions, someone could be average height, but appear short, due to their build. If they're quite stocky it would make them seem to be shorter than they actually are, if there was no frame of reference nearby.
Having said that, I do agree with all your other comments, and would like to thank you for that link to 'As disease' - I hadn't come across that page on the wiki yet, and I found the referenced article in there on writing for fiction very informative.
You are correct that someone may appear short because of their build. However, the stated reason for Andrew appearing short is because his partner is taller than him. If you look at the numbers, we are talking a difference of only 5cm. That is really not enough to make someone seem short. It is less than two inches. A person's hair could make that difference pretty much disappear with little difficulty.
Also, you can thank Neshomeh for both the link to As Disease and for the article it referenced. She wrote the As Disease section after one of her missions, and found the article.
-Phobos
I just looked at the descriptions individually, and failed to take into account what they were like in relation to each other.
He had absolutely no idea how long he had been reading, but he didn't really either way, [...]
he didn't really care either way (?)
5 AM. Possibly in the morning, seeing that it was a bit too dark for it to be 5 PM.
With the AM there, there shouldn't be much guessing about it to be in the morning. Also, since they're referred to as agents, shouldn't they be in an RC? You should specify that a bit.