Subject: Re: New mission and question.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-04-16 00:58:00 UTC
Oh hey, this! I really liked this, and it turned out great! Just one little thing:
“Well, I never used fragmentation ones,” Nikki admitted, “I only used flashbangs and smoke grenades, but I know how to use fragmentation and plasma ones too.”
So, she never used them, but she knows how too? That seems a little weird.
Follow Nikki Cherryflower's training as she and Sergio Turbo deal with A Very Awkward Exorcism in the Card Captor Sakura continuum!
http://rc1587.wordpress.com/2012/04/15/mission-4-a-very-awkward-exorcism/
The question I have is: since Sergio and Corolla have been recently transferred to the Special Operations Division and also partnered with a new Agent (Nikki), how am I supposed to update the entry on the Complete List of PPC Fiction?
The curent one is "Sergio Turbo and Corolla" under Floaters. Do I have to delete this one and replace it with "Sergio Turbo, Nikki CHerryflower and Corolla" under Special Operations Division, or just add the new one?
The introductory info you give is excellent stuff! It's a very thorough summary of the PPC's usual equipment and its uses for the agents.
I think there's a section missing around the entrance to the badfic itself, as the agents never actually enter it. Nikki is testing out the disguise generator in their RC, and then suddenly, an author's note is blaring through the air. Unless I missed something?
Also, right at the beginning, Sergio says, " . . . from another continua." This should be continuum, which the singular form of the plural continua.
In fact, I kinda wanted this mission to be a "tutorial" about current PPC missions (as the TOS is starting to be outdated for that IMHO. The PPC changed a lot.)
I corrected the typo, but about the other issue I think you missed a bit. After the scene break, Nikki asks Sergio how she looks, and since to activate the disguise they need to step through the portal is implied that they entered the fic.
However, now that you make me think about it, the whole piece can be understood in a different way (Nikki showing her disguise selection to Sergio on the screen of the console). I'll fix that as soon as possible.
Oh hey, this! I really liked this, and it turned out great! Just one little thing:
“Well, I never used fragmentation ones,” Nikki admitted, “I only used flashbangs and smoke grenades, but I know how to use fragmentation and plasma ones too.”
So, she never used them, but she knows how too? That seems a little weird.
-Pull the pin (or pin equivalent)
-Count until 3/5/10/whatever (optional, depending on grenade and situation)
-Throw grenade
-Run away
In Real Life there are more safeties nowadays, but fictional ones work all the same way.
A regular "frag" grenade, a flashbang, a plasma one from Halo... No difference. In fact, Nikki explaining that she can use all grenades is a proof of the fact that she has been trained to throw them, but is no military expert.
But given that the times you list in Step 2 are the typical fuse lengths (I believe), you might not want to count *quite* that high before throwing the grenade.
It's a bit of a fiddly job, but it's probably the clearest way to do it. Now, to business!
From the personal files of Terri Ryan, Department of Personnel
Well, this is interesting. I'm pretty sure records of agents' training are supposed to be confidential... on the other hand, this is a mission report, so I suppose that doesn't apply. Still, it makes an interestingly different read. Let's see.
I find this report to be a very good introduction to PPC proceedures. Agent, er, Nikki fills the role of 'naive protagonist' perfectly - she's clever enough that things don't need to be beaten in the ground, but ignorant enough to make the introductions she gets purposeful. I may recommend to the Marquis that we give copies of this to new recruits, to teach them what we're about. I particularly like the fact that the training doesn't stop when they enter the fic - Sergio is clearly a natural at this.
On the other hand, I'm sorry to say he seems a little too fond of his own voice. The vast majority of his report is dialogue, often with no tags to indicate who is talking - although that isn't an issue, he shows us his personality and Nikki's very well, so I can tell who's who. Nevertheless, the constant speech is a little tiring - I'd appreciate a little description at times, not so much of the surroundings, but of Nikki's reactions. Body language is still language, and I'm sure she had some.
On the subject of reactions... I've never met Sergio or Nikki in person (I don't get out much), but they come across as very hard-hearted. Sergio admits that Sakura is his Lust Object, and yet has barely any response to watching her be raped. Perhaps he's a recent transfer from Bad Slash, but I wonder whether he's simply blocking the memory - to the unfortunate detriment of his report.
But perhaps I'm being too harsh. Certainly his reactions towards the end were genuine - both the attraction and the embarassment - so he clearly has a normal emotional range. Perhaps his purpose in this report was to present his training of Nikki in a clear, unadorned manner, and he decided to cut out his own reactions for clarity's sake. Either way, I think he is worth watching - not that I have any choice in what reports I receive. Still, I'd like to read more.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
And I'm glad you liked it.
All right, about the big blocks of text, that's a bad habit of mine. I'm trying to break out of it, but it's probably still going to take a while. I'm going to write next a mission from back when he didn't have a partner as an execise for that - without anyone to talk to, I'm forced to keep his mouth shut and use more action than dialogue.
About him and Nikki being hard-hearted, here's why:
Nikki: She's a Sakura replacement I took from a fic called "The Final Ever After". I was going to kill this fic at first, but as I wasn't able to figure out what was it supposed to be I dediced to leave it alone (although I got there the inspiration for Nikki). She had quite of a rough time during it, in fact the PPC world is less grim than the one she's from.
Sergio: You were almost right with your deduction - he does suppress his own emotions as much as possible during missions. This time because he was focused on getting her training done as professionally as possible not only for her own sake, but also because he was in trouble with Upstairs due to his "screw rules, I'm doing the right thing" attitude. In fact, getting fed up with whatever was happening to Sakura caused him to kill several badfics before having gathered all the necessary charges (Mission #1 and #2 are two of them). However, it's already shown in those that Sergio manages to (barely) keep his emotions in check even without that reason.
I'm going to spoiler his backstory to explain that.
Sergio was from a massive crossover I wrote with some of my friends several years ago. During that time he was a borderline Stu and fell in love with Sakura, causing her to get in troubles only for him to save her, without knowing it. Sergio and his friends fought a lot of battles against a bunch of villains, always managing to foil their plans. At some point, Sergio&Co. were in a future where the world was controlled by the villains, in order to discover their plan and so be able to counter it in the present. Then things went haywire. The villains managed to kill Sergio's cousin leading to Sergio's sister despairing. We stopped writing short after that.
However, the battle continued. Sergio's sister, due to her unstable mood, got killed too. Since she was the one with the time-control power, the others were stranded in a bad future, and while attempting to overthrow the villains all of Sergio's friends got killed one by one.
In a desperate action, Sergio managed to plant a bomb at one of the villains' meeting, killing them all in one go.
The world was saved (but not safe, as there was no government), but Sergio was completely alone. Having somehow discovered the existence of Mary Sues and realized that he was a Stu himself, he began hunting them with suicidial perseverance, and got discovered by the PPC just before this vigilante life killed him.
He now tells everyone an altered version of the truth, claiming to be a clone of... well, himself, since he wants to forget all of that. Especially the fact that his previous Suvian nature ended up putting in danger (and eventually killing) the girl he was in love with.
He tries to block out emotions and memories of his pre-PPC past, since he thinks that they are dangerous to the people around him. And was working, as his lusting over Sakura steadily faded over time. (And, since he is now (2011 HST) 19 and Sakura's 10, it's a good thing)
The problem now is that he's partnered with basically a 16 years old Sakura, and that will bring out a past he wanted to forget.
Damn, I wrote a lot and I'm not even sure I managed to say all.
So, here's a quick explanation of Sergio's personality:
He has seen his Lust Object kidnapped and killed several times before even joining the PPC. Due to that being indirectly caused by being a Suvian back then, he sees every single CCS badfic as a punishment for that.
He will save her again and again, yes, but she doesn't remember him anymore. Most of the times, Sergio will not even hear a "thank you". He's fine with that, but what he treasured most - the feeling that Sakura is now safe - is gone forever, as it doesn't matter how hard he tries, she will never be safe from badfic. The only way to avoid breaking down is to just ignore his own emotions on the matter, and keep doing his job in the best way possible.
However, what really haunts him is that every single one of the friends he had back then is dead, and he couldn't do anything to protect them. Corolla and Nikki, as the closest friends he has now, are now his only chance to finally exorcise that, so he tries to be nice, strong and professional to make them safe, and also feel safe.
Their happiness is the only thing that matters for Sergio now, and he will hide his inner demons from them because he doesn't want them to worry.
If something happens to them, Sergio is very likely to break down and become a death seeker again.
I won't pass that on to Terri - she'd probably start feeling guilty for criticising him. ;) Me, I don't know the meaning of the word guilt. Something to do with cabbage farming, right?
I think it's brilliant that PPC Agents have personalities and motivation all of their own (in fact I'm sort of doing something about that right now), and I do hope he can manage to grow as a character and a person - preferably without going on a murder-spree, since that's not at all funny (usually).
hS
In fact, I ended up with this convoluted backstory simply because it's since six years ago that I am continuously writing this character.
He started as my barely-justified Self-Insert Gary Stu when I was 14. He ended up having one hell of a backstory shaping him up.
In fact, I wrote here only an incomplete heavily summarized synopsis. His original story is a monster over 200 pages long.
Some of my bit characters end up with overly-convoluted backstories, I'd never complain about it!
hS
I'm afraid to focus too much on a character because they always end up being the heroes of their own stories. How am I ever going to get anything done that way?