Subject: Re: Mission: DMS-MLP:FiM--PG/K+
Author:
Posted on: 2012-03-28 12:56:00 UTC
Wow, good mission! I'm a bit surprised that the four OCs got their cutie marks along with their names--shouldn't they at least bake something/make a storm cloud/whatever before they find their talent?
Ian and Lee go to the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic 'Verse to find out just what the Secret of the Rainbow Wands really is. No minis available at this time; four OCS, however, are available to adopt. Information at the end of the mission.
This mission felt very lightweight to me. Normally, I wouldn't have much of a problem with this - not every mission can or should be a big dramatic production. Having a fic where the agents can metaphorically catch their breath and relax can help pace out a longer story arc, not to mention provide some good humor-centric moments.
What bothered me in this case was the pairing of a lightweight "breather" mission with some major character development with your agents. It doesn't feel like enough importance is being granted to the relationship upgrade between Ian and Lee. Coming from the opposite direction, the light romantic scenes feel somewhat out of place during a mission.
The culmination of the romantic buildup also feels a bit unrefined. I would say that it comes out of nowhere, but there is enough hinted at in this and previous stories to set it up. However, it doesn't feel like it was set up enough and the whole thing comes together without major conflict or tension.
I feel like this could have been greatly improved had the mission been separated from the romance and both given their own full stories. More focus could have been given to both, thus making both an entertaining mission and a character-driven romance in bloom. As it stands, however, the whole thing just feels too convenient to enjoy.
Or is all you really need is having the main character be a god all you really need to call something badfic.
A story's subject matter or main character by itself does not make badfic. How well said subject matter or main character is handled plays a much greater role in determining quality.
Also, the Repetitive Department of Repetition (which deals with repetitive repetition) has been summoned regarding your repetition of "all you really need," which you repeated twice.
...that it's a major, major mark against it most of the time. It's one of those things that can be awesome when handled well, but is incredibly Sue-ish and annoying otherwise, and due to Sturgeon's Law, the latter is far more common.
Re: Sandman. Morpheus is more or less the god of dreams, but he is a freakin' flawed individual.
"Unless you are Neil Gaiman or the canon is crawling with gods (e.g., The Broken Kingdoms), the protagonist being a god usually means 'Sue."
Basically, if the protag can warp reality and no one else can, that makes it a badfic.
As you mentioned: Dream of the Endless. For that matter, in Endless Nights it looks like it's made canon that Despair is responsible for a huge portion of DC canon.
Or take Terry Pratchett's Thief of Time. There's a total and outright reality-warping. Or Carrot Ironfoundersson--much less flashily (usually), but it's observed by many.
One could also argue that Amy Pond in Series 5 of New Who could. Another candidate is Corwin of Amber, though only in the end and hypothetically anyone could have--they just didn't, and that counts for a lot.
Adam from Good Omens may count--you notice the number of Gaiman and Pratchett works here.
Alcatraz from the series of the same name by Brandon Sanderson is the currently unique-power-type reality warper, though there have been others in the past. (Basically all his family can warp reality in different ways--he just has the single most egregious and no one else has it.)
Remember that 'fic' is short for 'fiction.' It's not just fans writing in already-published worlds. Just as it can be handled well in original fiction, so it can be in fan fiction. Most people can't handle either well, but that's the 90% rule at work.
There are multiple Endless working at cross-purposes (and it's by Neil Gaiman), Lobsang/Jeremy doesn't do anything godlike until near the end, Amy's the key to universes but doesn't control reality outright, Amber is a "crawling with gods" example, and Good Omens falls under the Gaiman clause. Since the only Sanderson I've read so far is the Mistborn books, I can't really say on that last one, though.
Thing is, a good writer who creates believably flawed characters can give them powers like that, and a bad writer can make a character with 'flaws' unutterably perfect.
Exhibit A: Dream and the other Endless, Lobseremy and Susan Sto Helit, Amy Pond and Donna.
Exhibit B: See 'the anti-Sue.'
Four ponies based off of celebrities? Woooow. Most interesting OCs I have seen in a while. I think my favorite is Roux... MAINLY because Gordon Ramsay was always fun to watch on TV.
Mission was fun to read! I liked how you had the interplay between the agents kept it interesting, when the fic was being all bleh. Ian having to chase after the Discord minis was definently funny. It's fun to see minis actually being nuisances.
Lee and Ian getting together was fun to read to. Nothing big and flashy, yet still good. I am interested to see what happens next! (Although I was anyway before them getting together >:P)
If no one else wants Roux, I may. I am almost done making up an agent for the woefully understaffed Department of Angst (Seriously, only two people! D8) and a pony like him could be interesting...
*Imagines*
"Dammit [Insert Partner Name Here]I'm a chef and a critic! Not a bloody psychiatrist! Just knock her upside the head with the happy stick and lets be done with it!"
... >.>
Annnnnyway... I won't make a concrete claim yet, as I am sure someone else might find him fun, and I still need to find a good find to do. If no one wants him, then I definently will, though!
So, overall was a very enjoyable experience, and I liked how you handled the minis (enchanting a knapsack was great!) and the OCs. Good job!
I'm glad you enjoyed the mission. I can't wait to see what you do with Roux.
I have to say, I found it to be well-written.
Ian and Lee are just too cute together, even though I feel like I missed something on the whole 'being together' thing. I might want to read up on their other missions.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeethey'retogethereeeeeeeeeee!
Ahem. Anyway, very fun mission! Lots going on, with the unexpected mid-mission point of view change and the mini-Discords getting the crash dummy. It's great the Lee and Ian put all that energy in the beginning to using their disguises successfully and keeping the minis in check, but it still all goes haywire anyway. And also, THEY'RE TOGETHER! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!
Despite all the canon-breaking characteristics the Sue has, she really didn't come of as all that bad in this mission, at least to me. The biggest annoyance was the capitalization fail, but nothing terribly bad happened to the Poniverse itself. It made the assassination kind of sudden for me. Maybe it just wasn't a very action-filled fic?
Also, you've got a little production error here. When Ian is summoning the celebrity!ponies to the stage, you say Pony!Al Roker is a pegasus. Later, while Al is asking for an explanation, he's an Earth pony.
. . . eeeeeee . . .
It's the little things that seem to trip me up, even after having my missions beta'd. I'm glad you liked the mission as a whole, though. ^^
Lots happened in it, but I liked how it centers around Ian and Lee. Also, I wanna say this to them:
About damn time, you two! ;)
Crazy times were had for all.... And speaking of which, actually...
Can I maybe use Wave Crest? I'm thinking of giving my DIC guys an inter/new partner once I get around to writing some things for them, so... Yeah.
Wow, good mission! I'm a bit surprised that the four OCs got their cutie marks along with their names--shouldn't they at least bake something/make a storm cloud/whatever before they find their talent?
I really liked the interactions between Lee and Ian. You got them together without using much romanticism at all, a thing I appreciate as I'm not into romanticism myself.
And the new recruits could be really useful to te Cafeteria. MLP ponies should be able to cook edible meals, shouldn't they?
A little nitpick, though: the Dummy was always referred as inflatable (and a yellow cube when not in use, meaning it's filled only with gas when in use), why does it have a stuffing?
I think I'll change that, then. Thanks for the heads-up on the stuffing bit. I'm glad you liked the mission overall, though; it's definitely one of my favorites. And yes, the MLP ponies should be able to cook edible meals; I'm thinking Flambé and Roux, being the only two out of the four that are based on real chefs, would fit the bill the best. Wave Crest and Lightning Blaze could be agents if whoever adopts them wants them to be.