Subject: Ok then.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-03-27 02:11:00 UTC
I wasn't aware that there where problems with the story itself, only with the SPaG. I would appreciate any concrit you have on it, though I was sure I had dealt with the character problems. I will look into the disorder though. Email me at InterdimensionalSTD@gmail.com
Alright, here we go. Time for (hopefully) my moment of triumph :)
Name: Percy
Age:17
Height: 6’4”
Species: Humanish
Home Continuum: Original story
Lust Objects: Master Chief, Tali (list ongoing)
Department: Department of Floaters
Fandoms: Spyro the Dragon, Halo, Mass Effect, AVP, Adventure Time, MLP, Fallout, Elder Scrolls (so far)
Weapon(s): M6G Magnum.
Percy was a character from an original story that was scrapped in its early stages. In his home continuum, humans had decided that genetic manipulation was the next big social craze(right up there next to facebook and skinny jeans). Due to this, future generations were born with these traits, leading to the whole human race becoming not so human. With these changes came diseases, one of which affected Percy since he was born and would later be the catalyst in his unique appearance. He suffers from an advanced form of Bi-Polar disorder, dubbed Jekyll and Hyde syndrome in his homeverse, which affects the mental as well as the physical characteristics of the sufferer. Most sufferers do not live more than an average of 25 years, as the strain from the changes deteriorates their body and mind and leaves scars, and so Percy’s parents made use of a highly illegal attempt at a cure. In the process the features he sports today occurred, an unexpected reaction to the treatment. His condition is active, it is just stabilized, and In other words it won’t kill him. He is a relaxed and generally outgoing person and instead of getting angry, he just gets pitiful and whiny. Unless, he is pushed to breaking point. Slightly cowardly, he is still loyal to his friends.
He chooses to be purposely oblivious as he believes the world is far more exciting when you can’t see it coming. This has led to a few arguments with his partner and best friend, Vorce. He is also fairly intelligent in areas that he enjoys and is not stupid, even if he acts like it. He found his way to the PPC after his word world began collapsing around him, as he was the main character in the story, from a lack of storyline and plot. As the world collapses, Percy and Vorce began to argue over the best thing to do and as they argued, fell through a plothole. After stumbling through the multiverse and several badfics, they fell into HQ where they were initially separated until meeting once again at the office of the Marquis De Sod.
Name: Vorce
Age:17
Height: 5’6”
Species: Humanish/Bunnyboy
Home continuum: Original story
Lust Objects: Unknown
Department: Department of Floaters
Fandoms: Mass Effect, Discworld, JSRF, MLP, Oddworld, Elder Scrolls, 9
Weapons: Nothing so far.
Vorce was a character in an original story that was created to be Percy’s friend. However, he was given very little personality beyond being grumpy or easily angered, this means he is constantly one of these two until his personality properly develops, he is slowly improving. He met Percy when being attacked by a group of street punks. Percy accidentally wandered in without noticing and got beat up as well. This led to them helping each other back to Vorce’s place, where they became friends, Percy’s unique view on life capturing Vorce’s curiosity. They weren’t without their pitfalls however, when the story began to collapse, arguing broke out and things got physical, causing them to fall through a plothole. Adventures through the multiverse ensued.
He is a grumpy individual that is desperate for change in his personality. This leads to frustration when at people he cares about for no reason other than he can’t help it. He is a genuinely caring person, he just can’t show it. He also respects authority even if he doesn’t agree or like them, this won’t stop him from breaking rules if his friends are involved. Some tension still resides between him and Percy around their argument leading to falling through a plothole, but neither will say what it was about. While still a steadfast friend, he sometimes questions if he is truly doing the right thing by standing by Percy.
Vorce is not one to hold back the truth, even when the bluntness of his comments will hurt someone. He is very opinionated and will strongly defend what he believes in and cares about. This makes him a sort of double-edged blade, he will defend you vehemently, but might also condemn you just as strongly.
Permission Piece: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Es4GMzqhKAF_lKGOy3ZBHmx1AQ6RISAbelpjFIJKJr0/edit
Like previously mentioned, don't say bipolar, tends to kind of be a sensitive topic.
On the other hand, the Agents had a more original origin then a lot of other Agents (Bad thing to say? I'm gonna hit my bunker), and the sample was pretty damn good.
Haven't exactly got any pull here (And I've failed twice for Permission), but still, good, and Congratulations are in order for getting it!
*You're next...*
I'll just go through this while I'm reading it.
The first thing I notice was your choice of betas. Just because someone wants to, that doesn't mean they're good at it. Des has been here for a while, so you can go and look up his writing quality here. Ivan the not so Terrible, on the other hand, hasn't really shown anything so far. Beta reading is not an easy job.
Aside from obvious punctuation errors (ellipses not followed by spaces, comma/period confusion in dialogue), the sample reads... dunno, a bit awkward. There's also the occasional run-on sentence.
Last but not least, I agree on Luxury. She comes off as too hardcore in the beginning. And how far does the Marquis' voice reach anyways?
Later on, you created the mini Make-Things.
All in all, there's a lot of little things that stop me from enjoying this.
Thanks for the concrit :). I think I'm just gunna stop with the permission requests now, though. It's gotten tedious going over it so many times.
Alright... You've got some ongoing punctuation issues that I sort of remember pointing out last time - and you don't seem to have changed your writing sample or agents much from the last time you applied. I still have some issues with your characterization of Luxury. I'd also like to see a more detailed description of Vorce's personality - he obviously has more going on than 'grumpy and stubborn' in your writing sample. (Which is good! Just, go into that.)
I'm just a bit concerned at the fact that you didn't really seem to change much about your writing sample from the last time I saw it. If you'd like to go over it in more detail, I'll be happy to add some comments in a pm or e-mail. However, for now, I'm going to say no to this particular request-- you are, of course, welcome to reapply. I'd just like to see more careful proofreading in the grammar, and a bit more attention to your agents' backgrounds.
(I should point out, as an aside, that I strongly advise you to either call Percy's disease something else, or do some research on Bipolar Disorder. (Among other things, Jekyll and Hyde alludes, however faintly, more to Split or Multiple Personality Disorder than Bipolar.) Bipolar folk aren't Jekyll and Hyde, and we're not unstable people who suffer constant mood whiplash.)
... with, I hasten to add (although the thought of letting you all think an All-Out PG Brawl was coming was very tempting) consultation with VM.
So, permission granted, with the following provisos:
-Make sure your characters are fully-realised and not constrained by their summaries. I noticed that Percy's J&H didn't really impact on the sample, and I approve - the idea of not instantly using every idea you have is a very tricky one to master. But make sure you also continue to let your characters grow - their initial summaries are not their be-all and end-all. Agent Dafydd wasn't originally an elf, let alone... everything else. :P (This is more by way of advice than a proviso)
-Don't say bipolar. Very simple request, that. It has the potential to make some people uncomfortable, and, well, it's unnecessary. It'd be okay in a lecture/essay on J&H Syndrome (if it's an actual modified form rather than supposed to be just a serious case - I'm thinking the OCD-type disorder in the Ender's Game books, here), but as a general identifier, go with the interesting-sounding J&H - or something else - rather than bipolar.
-And the real proviso: write your first story, get it thoroughly beta'd... and then please send it to me, Huinesoron, before publishing. VM's concern is that your betas aren't doing quite as good a job as is needed, and I want to see that that's changed. I don't want you to hand me something that still needs editing - I want to be able to simply email back 'Good job - go ahead'. My email should be shown above.
So congratulations! Welcome to the shared universe of the PPC. Please don't break our toys - we've all been through a lot together.
hS
That's... wow. Well, thank you all so much! Especially the people willingly to go through my story in the first place :p
And about the provisos. I probably could have made it clearer with a few of them, such as Percy's J&H and Vorce's lack of a true personality, and how I had already planned how it would affect them in later stories. I never planned on having anything to do with J&H come up until quite a few missions in.
I also apologize about the bipolar thing, It was just as an example, as I would have always used J&H when refering to it. Turns out bipolar was wrong to begin with, so sorry.
Don't worry, I'll be sure to do that. I think I've learnt my lessons in the beta area and I'll be sure to be careful from now on.
I wasn't aware that there where problems with the story itself, only with the SPaG. I would appreciate any concrit you have on it, though I was sure I had dealt with the character problems. I will look into the disorder though. Email me at InterdimensionalSTD@gmail.com