Okay, I think I should go more in details about what I (dis)liked about this mission.

The main thing that bothered me was, as said, the fact that you skip many fic pieces that could be interesting. A good example would be the faux-Shakespearian author's note with the three minis. That sounds like something that should be seen rather than be read about. Or maybe something about Sarah's backstory. You're just telling things instead of showing them. I felt kinda left out on the action.

The other thing: I mentioned it before and I will mention it again. Betas are important. Even if you're the world SPaG champion, you still make mistakes. Or you're too immersed in your mission to notice how things aren't as obvious as you think they are. Betas are your more or less independent second (third/fourth) pair of eyes. You'll almost never catch every mistake you make. I already marked some things, but I'm sure there's more. I think I caught a missing period somewhere. Would be ironic if you poke at the Suethor for messing up periods if you do it yourself.

On the other hand, not everything was bad. You managed to point things out well, I just love edible girl and your agents are working just fine. It wasn't a great mission, but if you iron out your mistakes and get someone to read over it closely, it could be good.

I don't think a final decision has been made on the process for adding new pages, but if they're just your basic textbook Sues, that pretty much disqualifies them.

Regarding the mission, I'm afraid I haven't done more than glance at it, and that's because it looks unfinished: there are comments in the margins that I assume your beta made, and among other things you desperately need double line-breaks between ALL your paragraphs. You've got them some places but not others, and it's really distracting. I'm not sure why you decided to post this before it was ready, but I'd really rather not read it until it is. You're not doing yourself any favors by jumping the gun.

~Neshomeh

You have a really good fun potential detector there! Edible girl is another brilliant way to use bad writing as fun potential.

Also, I kinda missed seeing a CAD die. It's one of the staples of PPC missions, after all.

Aside from the things I marked in the doc, there's one major problem: I felt like being told many things you could have shown me instead.

Also, why is Raven's Room a mini?