Subject: Re: Interlude
Author:
Posted on: 2013-06-02 04:13:00 UTC
I liked how you have Medical and FicPsych interacting and working together to solve the German Sheikah's problem. I also like the idea behind the aging being a problem of the mind rather than just a physical trait given by the words.
One typo! No apostrophe on the "else's" in " . . . as he couldn't take someone elses and use it as his own."
Remember how I adopted German!seperate character!Sheik? This has been lying around for a while. Also, it has a follow-up which will, hopefully, follow up soon.
Interlude
As usual, report all typos and bugs you come across. Bugs will be fixed and typos will be collected, because I have to re-upload the file every time I change it.
The RC number is going to be 98, by the way.
But first, concrit!
You do have a couple typos:
He also needed to think of another name for himself, as he couldn't take someone else's
"Thanks," she answered, and took the bottle.
Overall it's fairly good - Shiek* seems like he could be an interesting character, and I look forward to seeing him pop up in the future! I would recommend reading these out loud to yourself before you post, though. There's just a couple places where the phrasing comes off as a bit awkward - the very last sentence, for example, the last phrase of it - I'm not sure exactly how to put it? It just comes up as a bit awkward.
Like I said, it's still not a bad interlude - a fairly good introduction for the character. I like the matter-of-fact way he reacts to the oddities of HQ, and look forward to future confusion in name-finding!
Anyway, I'm taking your IRC silence as tacit approval for thread-jacking, so I shall post a Cafeteria mission, featuring Lyn and Jof: The Dresden Affair!
*just to get it right - his name is Shiek, spelled with an ie, but he's... a Sheikah, with an ei?
There are some cool little details about how Cafeteria teams work here, but I would love to learn more about how their missions tend to go. The little you did reveal, you used to good effect, saving the explanation for the bizarre situation up to the end to drop a funny whammy on the reader.
I am pretty confused by the first coffee(less) scene, though. I assume the shop lady's cut-off word was "waiting," but I'm not sure why she would be stalling, or why Jof Jumped them out of the store. (Shouldn't the shop lady have been neuralyzed, or is that a normal occurrence in the Dresdenverse?) All I can think of is that she had called the police because of Lin's behavior, but I'm not sure said behavior was threatening enough to warrant that.
So, yeah. More Cafeteria missions, please!
Ah! 'Tis a Monty Python reference... which, apparently, I got slightly wrong. (This is a text version, for those without speakers.) Fair warning - both versions contain foul language.
Yes, I probably should've had them neuralyze the shop lady, or simply had Jof yank Lin out physically; it only occurred to me with you pointing it out here that that would be a problem. Most likely, if it was a Thing, I'd point out that in a Warden's cloak, it could be chocked up to magic - not entirely common, but the Dresdenverse philosophy is "People who see things they think are impossible will quickly convince themselves they didn't actually see it." (That's actually a fairly awful bastardization - I highly recommend reading the series, if you get the chance. It's a terribly cynical philosophy, and occasionally goes into borderline Author Rant, but somehow, it still works.)
Thank you! Hopefully when things calm down a bit, I will!
Ah! 'Tis a Monty Python reference... which, apparently, I got slightly wrong. (This is a text version, for those without speakers.) Fair warning - both versions contain foul language.
Yes, I probably should've had them neuralyze the shop lady, or simply had Jof yank Lin out physically; it only occurred to me with you pointing it out here that that would be a problem. Most likely, if it was a Thing, I'd point out that in a Warden's cloak, it could be chocked up to magic - not entirely common, but the Dresdenverse philosophy is "People who see things they think are impossible will quickly convince themselves they didn't actually see it." (That's actually a fairly awful bastardization - I highly recommend reading the series, if you get the chance. It's a terribly cynical philosophy, and occasionally goes into borderline Author Rant, but somehow, it still works.)
Thank you! Hopefully when things calm down a bit, I will!
I'm afraid my knowledge of the Pythons' TV stuff is pretty limited.
And I shall add The Dresden Files to the potential future reading section.
Not going to spoiler, but the resolution was glorious.
Aaaaand rather than post a third time to the above, I will simply restate the obvious, that the Anon is me, and commence headdesking at the godsawful mistake - really, I just did that? Really, though? Bah.
-VM, protests, blames finals week
And there I thought I/my betas caught them.
As for your foot note: Both typos effectively caused the German in him and Impa, but at the end of the day, it's the same tribe, just in different languages. I chose to leave his name as it was given to him, as that would at least be conflict-free in English. (Sheik is already Zelda in disguise, so that could cause problems, should he run into her.) Also, his name will change.
I'm aware that I really went overboard with the "make sentences sound interesting" thing, but I'm not yet sure how to reword them.
Now, on to the first update, and then to this thing you posted.
Fun, with all the bumping into doors and stuff. I just can't name the people who popped into Dr. Freedenburg's office at the end, though.
I'm curious as to what his name will be.
I love how he kept on banging into doors, and also how he was just being passed around the various places without much of an explanation.
Who were those agents who came through the portal near the end? Anyone in particular?
-Aila
I liked how you have Medical and FicPsych interacting and working together to solve the German Sheikah's problem. I also like the idea behind the aging being a problem of the mind rather than just a physical trait given by the words.
One typo! No apostrophe on the "else's" in " . . . as he couldn't take someone elses and use it as his own."
As in, someone who has actually appeared.
The agents in the end belong to Bronwyn (also known as Bryn).
I can figure out who the rest are, except for Bryn's agents, because the GDocs for all of their missions won't let me in, and that guy. I'm not sure which pre-established character he was supposed to be.
Or was that not what you meant? I could have misinterpreted that statement.