Subject: Re: Interlude
Author:
Posted on: 2012-01-16 04:16:00 UTC
Nitpicking, as requested! I left a few comments in the document where the phrasing was a little off. Please ask if anything I've suggested doesn't make sense!
And my interlude, after months of not-so-constant writing, is done! Nitpick, nitpick and nitpick!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/16moY3aOWgburmSTQ0AVYvTZ2MDzbYCXWO6G52OtuqVQ/edit?hl=en_US
P.S. the parts with Ally and Grace were co-written with Astral Void, who I hope is still around.
She would be the second Boarder disappearing while having a cowrite with me pending... that's not good.
I didn't see any SPaG, but there is one thing that I shall nitpick about.
Corolla's a Mid-Childan Unison Device, right? I don't think Mid-Childa ever MADE Unison Devices--Nanoha Wiki says that it was Belka-only, and the two we see in Nanoha are both Belkan. I think that Zest mentioned that "[Agito] was a genuine device...", suggesting that Mid is trying to develop them, but...I don't know.
While Corolla does in fact use mainly Mid-Childan magic, I mainly intended "Mid-Childan Unison Device" as "Unison Device coming fro Mid-Childa (planet)". But now that you are making me think about it, that's quite confusing
How was she created is a different matter entirely, as she was recruited from a (fictional) badfic, so in a way she actually could be a "Mid-Childan" UD. I think I'll address the matter in the next mission, as Nikki is probably curious about what Corolla is... and if I decide to make her a Belkan UD once living on Mid-Childa I'll edit Wiki article and missions/interludes accordingly.
It will be the perfect occasion to drop in some of my Agents' backstory.
I have my reasons to give Corolla Mid-Childan magic instead of Belkan, as the latter is much more melee-oriented... a thing that doesn't work when you are six inches tall and lack an Armed Device to attack with. (Yes, she's half the size of a regular UD, but there's a reason behind it)
Ah, that makes more sense. My characters both came from badfic, and one of them is a summon who never contracted with anyone, of a species that we've only seen one of. I'm pretty much fine with any mistake like that as long as you give a reason (for example, being made by a Suethor)
Of course, the other is an ex-Sue who, due to ambiguity in her origin fic, might be Alicia Testarossa, the Defense Program of a Tome of the Night Sky knockoff, the Reinforce equivalent of said knockoff, or something even more convoluted. Of course, she;s no where near as powerful as that--she's A rank or high B.
Her backstory (as far as I decided it) is that her Linker Core is still recovering from the injuries she received before Sergio found her (basically saving her from being a expendable victim), and out of MGLN it's taking quite a lot of time to do it. That's also why she is half-size now - she does that to conserve mana. (While not as much as familiars, it's implied that for an UD keeping "human" size takes mana. If my interpretation isn't wrong, keeping a smaller size should lessen "living" mana upkeep, allowing more to be used in spells)
Hmm.....I know that Rein can go full-size, but I don't know if she could become even smaller...my interpretation is that a familiar or UD has a couple modes (like an Intelligent Device), and that the minimum mana usage would be, say, Arf's child or puppy mode, or RH's pendant mode. I don't think they can mess around with their own settings like that.
Of course, that's just my interpretation. As of now, I don't think canon has mentioned this, so obviously you can do what you like, and as long as it's logical in-story there shouldn't be a problem.
I'm doing the corrections right now.
Damn, my English is quite rusty. I basically couldn't get right the flow of the words.
Feel free to ask if something I've said seems wrong.
About the interlude as a whole: I dunno if what the flowers said to Sergio about gun pointing was necessarily strong enough, considering that he actually shot at someone. That's excessively dangerous, and seems like something they'd do more about than a sternly worded PS at the bottom of a message. If he had not shot at them, then maybe, but it still seems almost shrugged off.
Other than that, this seems fine, narrative wise.
While it was clearly a warning round as the two namelless Agents were charging at them (the scene was meant as a take that to people who think the PPC is only about killing Sues, while that mentality is actually strongly discouraged), you're right about the fact that Sergio actually fired the gun, a behaviour really dangerous. (Not to mention that the whole Department of Maintenance would be out to get him, as he did a nice hole in the floor :P)
Considering he's not on the good side with Flowers already, a "last warning" instead of firing the gun is probably more appropriate, along with a stronger remark in the message
Thank you!
Nitpicking, as requested! I left a few comments in the document where the phrasing was a little off. Please ask if anything I've suggested doesn't make sense!
Heya, Sergio. *grin* I'm not back just yet, but I will be soon.
For SPaG, corrections on the text (and a comment in case it's noteworthy)
For plot and PPC/canon related things, a comment.