Long concrit ahoy!

First new story of the new year! by Neshomeh on 2012-01-04 18:16:00 UTC Reply

"Ten Years Hence: Henry"

Summary: In which Henry Robinson is ten and life in HQ is complicated.
Timeline: Mid-2019.
Rating: PG/K+ - unseemly references to goats.
Beta: doctorlit.

Co-writer: Tungsten Monk.

This is ten years from 2009 rather than ten years from now, but eh, details. Not really much else to say about this one—it's fairly light and fluffy, like most in the TYH setting, and since it's the future, only tenuously canon. Anyway, we hope you enjoy and let us know what you think. {= )

Also, if you're not familiar with the Ten Years Hence stories, check out the original ones! They're fun. ^_^

~Neshomeh

Long concrit ahoy! by JulyFlame on 2012-01-07 20:17:00 UTC Reply

Okay, first of all, I want to say I rather enjoyed the story; the characterization was lovely, as were all the little side details.

Things like Jenni actually aging just to match what Henry would expect, and Suicide and his interesting choice of shirts were lovely, and added to the overall feeling of the piece within the theme of most Ten Years Hences.

However, as I mentioned before, I was disappointed with the writing here in some parts. Normally the things you and Tungsten write are rather high quality- solo or together- but you both left a lot of rough spots to the point that while it was a lovely story, the overall writing made it seem more likely a lightly edited roleplay.

Roughly the point when Henry admits that he said 'some stuff' is around when these rough points begin to kick in.

"You already said some stuff?" Suicide repeated. The kid was laying it on kind of thick, but he also had a point. Suicide's partners might go insane a lot, but they had one of the lowest rates of mutilating injury in the PPC—mainly because he took all the damage himself. Henry would probably be safe if he trained with Suicide . . . wait a second. "I'm being manipulated, aren't I," he said dryly, finishing off his kefir. "You Robinsons are good at that. And said what stuff?"

Henry cringed. Mouthing off always seemed like a good idea at the time, but once you stopped being angry it didn't take long to turn into guilt. Now Su'd caught him trying to flatter his way out of it to boot, which was even worse. "Well . . . she wasn't listening. Or she was listening to the wrong things, and . . . " Suicide didn't look impressed with the excuses. Henry took a deep breath and plunged into it. "I might've sortakinda saidshewasaSue." He stared at a spot on the floor slightly to the right.

For several paragraphs, from this section on, the POV and accompanying narration rapidly switch back and forth. There was also an awkward mix of show and tell that would have worked better if the piece was entirely from one POV, but as it stands, it was being used as the sort of shortcut you see in RPs- getting the most information across to the other player in as quickly an accessible way as you can without breaking the narration or going out of character.

While it works well in RP, it can be a bit confusing with other works, and I did occasionally feel like it was hitting me over the head here, because the moment one portion that was backing Henry's POV was done hopping up and down to arract my attention, I was getting hit up the head with Suicide's rather straightforward end of things.

This whole section was lackng in transitions to smooth that sort of jerkiness, which was somewhat strange. Your writing style and Tungsten's normally complement each other and blend well, but this story was lacking in those usual smooth transitions, which again, helped to contribute to it reading, overall, like it was a lightly edited RP.

That said, the later portion of the story, with Jenni and Suicide interacting didn't quite suffer from the same rough POV switches, the mix of show and tell, and lack of transitions. This is possibly because Suicide's background POV information had already been filled and added in during his conversation with Henry, so there wasn't as much of a hard toss happening.

Beyond that, again, I did enjoy the story, I just think it should have been- and I was expecting it to be- somewhat more smoothly written technically, given the writers.

Also, this has completely reminded me I need to add my TYH to the wiki article there.

Ooh, thanks! by Neshomeh on 2012-01-08 01:45:00 UTC Reply

Having thought about it since we talked, I do see what you mean. I guess we've been doing enough RP-style stuff that it slipped in; plus, I'm just starting to feel out Henry's character, so I was probably explaining things for my own benefit as much as anyone else's. That would account for there being less of an issue in the later J & S segment.

Anyway, I'll know what to watch out for in the next co-write, so hopefully I can be more proactive about avoiding RP-style exposition. Thank you!

~Neshomeh

Character Stuffz! by Guvnor of Space on 2012-01-07 05:44:00 UTC Reply

I like character stuff, and this was well done character stuff. Props to you and Tungsten Monk on that. I really don't have anything critical to say about this; the character interactions where believable, and of course the spelling and grammar were find. I'm just sorry it took me so long to get around to actually reading this.

Yay! by Neshomeh on 2012-01-07 17:09:00 UTC Reply

I'm glad if the characters ring true. It's one of the things that worries me a little bit, since this whole arrangement would be incredibly dysfunctional anywhere but PPC Headquarters. Traditional family unit, this ain't.

Of course, that makes it really fun to write about. ^_^

Thanks!

~Neshomeh

Re: First new story of the new year! by Mister Shoebox on 2012-01-06 03:00:00 UTC Reply

Very well written, very heart-warming. I do have a question, though: What's gonna happen when 2018 and 2019 really role around?

Good question. by Neshomeh on 2012-01-06 03:25:00 UTC Reply

As of right now, I intend for this to be canon for my characters, but of course it could change. Heck, the whole intent of this piece changed between when I first started writing it and now, thanks to Suicide's appearance in Jenni and Henry's life. Originally, Henry wanted nothing to do with being an agent and was quite a bit less well-adjusted.

Also, I'm pretty sure Ilraen will end up being an agent trainer eventually, but I don't actually know what becomes of Nume in the future—whether he dies, retires, loses it, or what—or exactly when, so that's a bit vague on purpose.

Guess we'll just have to hang around for the next seven years or so and find out! {X D

~Neshomeh

And what a way to start the New Year! by HerrWozzeck on 2012-01-05 00:09:00 UTC Reply

That was an incredibly sweet little one-shot there, Nesh. Props to Tungsten Monk as well, for making Suicide such an awesome dude.

In case you can't tell, I quite liked it. :D

Thanks! by Neshomeh on 2012-01-05 15:55:00 UTC Reply

Suicide is an awesome dude, and so is his author—well, his author's a dudette. But still. Awesome. ^_^ Anyway, I'm sure Su will be pleased to hear his badass-reputation isn't suffering from all this domestic stuff.

Thanks for commenting!

~Neshomeh