I noticed that in your story Veronica said that Lisa would fade away due to not being a canon character when the fic ended.
I'd just like to say that if OCs and bit characters haven't perpetrated crimes against canon and would fit in, Sue or no Sue, these characters would simply be assimilated into the world as if they'd been there their entire lives.

Like July said, I've got a few questions relating to YW-verse.

First, if Lisa's a wizard-in-training, has she gone through her Ordeal yet? I guess I'd be lying if I said the prospect of that coming up in the course of a future mission didn't intrigue me. One of the things I really like about YW is that the PTBs can plausibly turn up anywhere, including other canons (though, in LotR, for instance, given that Morgoth is trapped in the Void, it's probably safe from any personal appearances by the Lone One). On the other hand, given that a wizard's Ordeal can a big freaking deal, occasionally world-changing, I'm a little leery, too. Do you have ideas about handling that, or has Lisa already gone through it? If she has gone through it, what happened? That's an important thing to know for a wizard character. Also, what does the Lone One look like to her? As I recall, It's supposed to look different to everyone (though I think even Diane Duane forgets this for convenience).

Second, new wizards have a lot more power at their disposal than more seasoned ones. I can tell you're making sure to limit how much she can do, so I'm not too concerned about that—actually the opposite. The nature of YW-verse is such that I'd really expect its magic to work anywhere, though of course the wizard would have to become intimately acquainted with a given world's name in the Speech in order to be effective at casting in it. I think the mechanics of YW-verse magic are limiting enough themselves, as long as they're borne firmly in mind and respected. I'd hate to see it nerfed beyond that.

Third, I am a little concerned about Lisa herself, based on the RP. While the fire was going on, Lisa tried putting it out and failed, and then this happened: "Lisa swore and went to go off and collapse on a couch. Maybe eat a cookie. She didn't really want to deal with other people's problems right now. Particularly when she was so new to magic."

Wizards are supposed to be combating entropy—Lisa agreed to it when she took the Wizard's Oath—and an indoor fire that could end up with people getting hurt or even killed seems to fall solidly into that category. "Dealing with other people's problems" is part of the contract, so her willingness to leave everyone to their fate really worries me, new to magic or not. As I recall, that sort of attitude can get a wizard stripped of the ability to use magic, and probably any memory of having been able to do so.

I see two options here: One, you're running with this characterization. If that's the case, I will expect a reckoning for her carelessness with the power she's been granted. If she doesn't take her Oath seriously, she's in big trouble.

Two, that was a fluke, and I will expect her to behave like a wizard.

On more of a side-note, I sort of assume her work in the PPC would be official errantry, since badfic is definitely a force for entropy (and one even the Lone Power may not like much, at that), but that doesn't mean other commissions can't come up. Since conflicts between one job and another could be really interesting, I'm curious if you've thought about it.

I think that's everything I wanted to say. I also second July's specific comments about the writing sample, though I'll note that solo missions do happen, if not generally to very new recruits. Still, they aren't encouraged or the norm, for the reasons July gave.

~Neshomeh, also holding off on a yea or nay for the time being.

1) Line breaks between paragraphs are your friends. They help the reader to differentiate between paragraphs when indentation is not used as part of the formatting.

2) Paragraph indentation is also your friend, but is usually not done on online documents due to the use of the tab key for other functions.

3) Sending solo agents out on missions isn't done. Spies- the agents from Intelligence- are solo, but their role is different from those who actively take charges and are close to the Sue and canons while doing their work. Agents are in pairs because a) it usually prevents them from doing something that is entirely idiotic or against the rules, b) putting two incompatible or clashing personalities into roles that force them to work together is funny, c) everyone needs help sometimes and a single agent with no backup does not stand a chance against a Sue or Stu who catches them unawares or is not caught unawares. Beyond that, the PPC would certainly never send a completely green agent out on a first mission alone. That is tantamount to sending them out to either die unpleasantly, or realize the opportunity they have been given and never returning and living a mostly quiet life in the world of one of their favorite canons.

4) There is no four.

5) Show. Do not tell. You did a great deal of 'tell' here in your sample. It doesn't convey anything. You are telling us what we are supposed to get out of your sample, rather than leaving it to be interpreted or up to the actions of your characters to evoke something. Being told things is not interesting, at all, in the realm of fiction. We read to learn and discover. The reason fanfiction is something so many of us read and write is because the books we read- when they are good- show things, so we can come up with our own interpretation of the reasons behind their actions and their motivations and so on. Telling leaves nothing to interpret. It is cut and dry. It is not engaging.

As an example, from your own piece:

“Well, you know. That’s life.” Veronica sipped her coffee. “But yeah… I’d like a partner…”
“Well…” Lisa felt very awkward all of a sudden. “I mean… you said you would have to recruit me.”

Changing it to show- but get across the same intent you are trying to do with telling results in the following:

“Well, you know. That’s life.” Veronica sipped her coffee. “But yeah… I’d like a partner…”

“Well…” Lisa fidgeted in her chair, rubbing the back of her neck. She didn't meet Veronica's eyes, instead looking down at the table. “I mean… you said you would have to recruit me.”

You can see the difference here, yes?

6) You have quite a few repetitive sentences in your writing sample. You have two sentences that begin with 'As' in consecutive order, and three more following it none too long after. This is noticeable. Readers notice this sort of thing. It is jarring.

7) In regards to your agents:

i) The uniform is black and the relevant department flashpatch unless it is Medical, who have armbands. That is what the uniform consists of: clothing- if the agent wears clothing- that is black, and a flashpatch.

ii)ll agents consider themselves real people. Of course they're real people, what else would they be? The term we use for agents that are from what is ostensibly is the real world is to say that they are from World One.

iii) Nice to see some younger agents again.

iv) As to Lisa, I believe that Neshomeh had some items she wanted to say or something. I'm not sure. I will leave it to her discretion to comment and elaborate and actually say whatever it is she was intending to say rather than speculating.



I'm going to err on the side of withholding permission, given what I have said above and the reasoning included in each section. That said, I suggest reading more missions and spending more time reading relevant side materials on the wiki and asking people questions when you have any.