And lo, there was a Permission request.

And lo, there was a Permission request. by Jacer on 2011-10-10 23:38:00 UTC

Concerns by Phobos on 2011-10-11 03:33:00 UTC Reply

I want to run through a couple of concerns that I have with your request.

1) There are some inconsistencies with your potential agents. I see a number of traits that seem to have been tacked on without any reasoning. Lophy's archaic dialect is a good example of this. She was born to American-born parents who, as proof of still being American in their language and thinking, named her Rachel instead of something more common to the region that they live in now. If they speak English, why does she have an archaic dialect?

Another example would be with your third potential agent. I know that she isn't as fully formed as the others, but there are some problems in her basic description. She has black hair, red eyes, and totally white skin. That I can live with. But why does everyone think she is a Twilight Vampire? Does she sparkle in the sun? I don't see much in her description that would make me think Twipire.

Giving a character traits to help them stand apart from every other agent out there is a good thing. However, there has to be a reason for it.

2) I hate to say this, honestly, but I believe the OC in both of your writing samples is a Mary Sue. She appears for no discernible reason, in the first one, bringing with her all the knowledge needed to solve this riddle. In the second one, she is the narrator and claims to have been left out of the common stories, while also claiming to have been there the whole time and even taking partial credit for the realizations that the Pevensie's made in their journeys.

For these reasons I am going to have to say Permission Denied, for now. Your writing skills are excellent, I didn't notice any problems there. So, work on your agents and maybe write them a short introduction piece for when you re-apply.

-Phobos, available for questions if needed.

Response by Jacer on 2011-10-11 04:54:00 UTC Reply

1) Lophy's speech pattern was just about the very first thing I came up for the character. It manifests something like "I believe it is now time for us to depart" instead of "I think it's time to go." Literally everything else came later. I don't think I can ditch that trait, so I shall work on a better history for her.

Regarding Kat: it was before the movies came out, so the sparkling was a bit harder to picture than it is now. But anyone who'd read the books could easily process that Twilight vampires had white skin and either red or gold eyes. So they went, "Hey, you have white skin and red eyes like a Twilight vampire!"

2) At the risk of sounding overly defensive, I submit that the "aided realizations" reference in the one sample refers almost exclusively to the other sample. Also that she doesn't so much take credit as give a small nudge. In the case of Lucy, the nudge is going to be something like "Every bridge has to have *some* kind of support, or it'll just break. That's why your picture looks slightly wrong." (I blame my physics bridge-building project years ago entirely for the plot bunny.)

There's a whole universe behind Ailena that I'm continually trying to improve, but most of it's still in my head and hasn't been typed out. I try to have reasons for everything. For example, there's a specific reason she was left out of the well-known version of the books, and it's not the normal "look I'm writing a fic that shows the 'real story' of Narnia" that I see so often on the Pit. She's also more of an observer than anything else in the long run. I have a tendency to forget that the readers don't know everything that's in my head when I write.

That said, I do my best to play down her basic Sueness in my writing. I'm obviously not succeeding well enough. I shall work on it.

If there's going to be a third agent... by Neshomeh on 2011-10-11 00:19:00 UTC Reply

... Could we have a bio for that one, too?

~Neshomeh

I suppose, although she's not very developed as of now. by Jacer on 2011-10-11 01:07:00 UTC Reply

Hence the "sometime in 2012." I have details, but no backstory as of yet.

Kathryn Saunders has black hair, red eyes, and white (not Caucasian) skin. She's 19 when she turns up. She doesn't talk much, especially about the accident that changed her eye and skin coloring. All that's been gleaned from her is that it's the result of a chemistry accident in high school that involved bleach and radium. She refuses to say any more than that. She is fiercely protective of the characters of Ramandu and Aslan from Narnia, but she doesn't exactly *lust* after them.

She harbors an enormous grudge toward Stephenie Meyer due to the tendency of so many people to compare her to a sparklepire. She agreed to join the PPC as much to not be taunted as to get rid of badfic. She takes her grudge out on TwiSues with a flamethrower and a demonic grin. Kat is a very closed-mouth and introverted person, not saying much and changing little in expression. She rarely says anything about her life before the PPC.

I was planning for her to pretty much randomly appear one day in Lophy and Anta's RC. Cue the "who are you" and "how did you get here" and whatnot. I still have to work out exactly *why* she appears. She might end up partnered with them, or she might not. She would work mostly in Twilight, once I get up to speed on it. That's another reason she wouldn't be showing up for a while.