Subject: I did it again... *headslaps self*
Author:
Posted on: 2011-09-05 12:12:00 UTC
Loot collected:
Nothing.
Loot generated:
One (1) tulip kitten ('Aniseed') which is available to be adopted by anyone who can take care of her and who doesn't own any kind of tulip-eating organism.
I finished my second mission, which can be found here (http://astra-aurora.livejournal.com/17904.html). I hope it's good. *crosses fingers*
I like your mission. I'm not up on Pern, but I know enough to recognize badfic when I see it! I like the idea of the Canon Bomb too--you should do a Wiki page on it when the wiki stops being stupid. Of course, it's experimental technology, so there's no telling how it'll go oh-so-hilariously wrong... Link it to the DoGA page; I think they'd be the ones to use it, mostly.
It's good to have another Pern mission done. ^_^ Your writing is good, but I'd like to see more of it in the actual mission. The beginning and end bits are engaging, with fun agent interaction and silly things happening, but the mission body seems basically like chunks of a charge list stuck between chunks of story. There's a lot of humor potential lost there.
I have a few specific quibbles I want to point out:
1. "'And [charge] for misspelling ‘filling’', Grace concluded." —Actually, I think he misspelled "flying." The phrase in the fic is "bronzes, browns, blues and greens fling in the sky."
2. "It should be ‘H’tl’." —It was before, but in my review I advised the author that that is unpronounceable, and he changed it.
3. Not a exactly writing critique, but I disagree that the Brekke/F'nor story has "Rape Is Love" in it, and it gave me such a start that I had to go re-read that first encounter between them. When I read the scene in question, I see Brekke worried that they'll wake up Wirenth and trigger her mating flight, not specifically telling F'nor she doesn't want him. She definitely doesn't seem to think she was raped afterward, even with her Crafter morals.
4. I thought the same thing about the number of fire-lizard eggs being inconsistent at first, but then I looked over the hatching scene again, and there are just four: only Stannor, Mack, Zoey, and Emily Impress (blue, green, green, and brown, respectively). Despite the mention of Lisa/Lesa, she is not actually present and does not get a fire-lizard. (The fact that the event occurs at all remains as ridiculous as ever, though.)
5. I'm positive they have hammocks on Pern, especially in the Southern Continent. Why wouldn't they? They're just made of rope with some wood and metal bits. They do have sheep (ovines), too.
The good things, as I said, were all contained in the portions that took place in the RC. I like Grace poking around with machines that do silly things, and the agents have some good dialogue between them. Try to carry that into the missions, and have some fun with re-writing the fic as the agents actually perceive it rather than just quoting the whole thing and pointing out charges. We get the charge list at the end, so we don't need the whole thing in the mission body anyway. {= )
~Neshomeh
I know the missions themselves aren't that good. I'll try to make the next mission better.
1. Ooh, you're probably right. I should have read that sentence a bit more closely.
2. Ah, I see.
3. You might be right, but the fact that Brekke panics and fights him really doesn't scream 'this is consensual' at me.
4. ...oops. *resolves to read more closely next time*
5. They probably do, you've got a good point there. I don't remember them having sheep, though, just wherries and runner beasts.
The big chunks of badfic are something that may be replaceable by descriptions of the effects of the badfic on the continuum. So, there are bad-grammar effects that the sentence structure and spelling can have (like your "boy hair", which made me chuckle and wish I knew how to draw), that you can use without having to put lots of the badfic in as examples.
Loved the random stuff that Grace builds, and the prototypoe Canon Bomb. Can I hire Grace for maintenance and upgrading of my Agent's fighter jets? ?cause stuff not working (or working wrong) is better than stuff that blows up. Expecially if you're sitting in it.
That Canon Bomb is quite dangerous, though. Use it the wrong way, and you disintegrated a duo of Agents and all their stuff. Still, those are perfect for bombing runs on uncanonical place.
I'm sure Grace would love to upgrade some fighter jets. Just don't expect the results you want.
About the Canon Bomb- yeah, I know. I've been watching too much Mythbusters, I think. Basically, it was either get a Canon Catapult or make something up, so I made something up. It probably won't be the best option for future missions, though. Unless it comes with a detailed set of instructions.
That's why I decided (or rather, my agents did) to steal a couple of F-22s from an Ace Combat badfic. Sometimes you just have to blow the entire place up, and DOGA is not always there.
And if the place is a big moving object (just like the mission I was co-writing with Lo'Homme Arbre, before his disappearance. There was a modern cruise ship in Redwall. 'Nuff said.) nothing is better than fighter jets. Still have to use them sparingly, though - that's a lot of firepower for PPC Agents. Luckily, maintenance justifies that.
Since I am writing an interlude right now, what about my Agents (Sergio Turbo and Corolla, of the Department of Floaters, though I think they'll get transferred to the Special Operation Division now that they have special equipment) meeting yours and "hiring" Grace as their mechanic? After all, Sergio already said that he doesn't want DoSAT working on his plane, but they still need somebody who fixes them. The alternative would be pulling out an OFU for Ace Combat and bringing them there, but creating an OFU and not writing for it sounds wrong.
Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. I know Grace would love to meet new people and adapt new technology. Preferably new technology that doesn't have a 90% chance of going horribly wrong.
Loot collected:
Nothing.
Loot generated:
One (1) tulip kitten ('Aniseed') which is available to be adopted by anyone who can take care of her and who doesn't own any kind of tulip-eating organism.
My Radioactive Moss Creature would love a tulip kitten as a pet. ^^
Also, nice mission. That was some seriously butchered writing.
Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a tulip kitten. She thrives on water, sunlight, and hugs. Try to keep her away from flames, rabbits, birds, gardeners or anything else that likes tulips.
And thanks. :)