Subject: Welcome to the DIC!
Author:
Posted on: 2011-06-28 22:51:00 UTC
Oh, and that other department. ^_~
The writing samples looked pretty good for the most part, so no worries there. I'll point out the few things I did notice:
In the first intro, you mention that Gloria turns the pages of her book to the right. That's fine if it's a manga, but you don't outright say so, so it could be confusing with people who aren't familiar with manga.
The tendency these days for a "normal" RC to have actual bedrooms and anything resembling a kitchen confuses me, but since they're all different I suppose it's not an actual complaint.
In the second one, there were a couple of things. First, while I don't want to disrespect any religious beliefs you might have, I heard "Oh g-d oh g-d oh g-d oh g-d" with the hyphen as a schwa sound [ə], resulting in "ohga doga doga doga," which, given the Narrative Laws, could result in unwanted attention from the Department of Geographical Aberrations. In writing, best practice is usually to accurately represent what your character is saying, even if they are blaspheming, so that's my purely editorial recommendation. If you feel strongly about not spelling out "god," though, even uncapitalized, I'll shut my trap and say no more on the subject.
Second, the plural of continuum is continua.
And that's it. Enjoy!
~Neshomeh