Subject: YODAS!
Author:
Posted on: 2011-06-03 01:54:00 UTC
I found that part funny enough to giggle about, and the mission was, on the whole, amusing. There is an issue I'd like to point out.
"Kath stopped walking and turned to Kath with the same kind of not-quite-threatening but very dangerous glare she had given her earlier." It should be turned to Elena, right?
On the whole, it was a good mission. Keep up the good work!
How did Elena and Kath come to the PPC? Where did a group of Jedi Master Yodas come from? How much bizarre description can a badfic author use in just a few pages? What's the one thing the badfic author gets *right*? And above all, *why* is Qui-Gon Jinn sick? Find out as Elena and Kath face: http://elemarthsstories.weebly.com/the-crab.html Plus: a new staff member recruited for Medical.
Sorry about the length. I hope it's good. :)
Elena and Kath will be walking back to their RC at the beginning of next chapter. If you want them to run into any of your agents along the way, please tell me who and what their reaction to a newbie would be.
The fic was rather appalling, but it was nice to see it get taken down. Kudos!
One note--your author's note comes off as a bit hostile to the original badfic author. Mostly (this may have changed since my days, granted) PPCers try to avoid mentioning/criticizing the author personally in the fic; the focus is, after all, the bad writing itself. I didn't think it was particularly worrisome, but I wanted to put that out there for future reference. :)
You've definitely got some good banter going, and it was nice to see some real tough inter-agent stress. My one gripe concerns the prevalence of one-sentence paragraphs that are not dialogue. One-sentence paragraphs should be used sparingly, and only with intense 'dun dun DUN' moments. Overusing them makes the piece feel a bit choppy.
Overall, I enjoyed this mission. Looking forward to whatever you write next!
Oh, and you're welcome to have Elena and Kath run into their one known department coworker, Agent Cornelius (http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Cornelius). if you like. He comes off as friendly and charming, but also a bit creepy.
I'll consider your opinion next time I write, though.
I will have to have them meet Cornelius sometime, though I haven't decided when or how. Maybe this time.
I found that part funny enough to giggle about, and the mission was, on the whole, amusing. There is an issue I'd like to point out.
"Kath stopped walking and turned to Kath with the same kind of not-quite-threatening but very dangerous glare she had given her earlier." It should be turned to Elena, right?
On the whole, it was a good mission. Keep up the good work!
That was a fun mission--different kind of badfic than you usually see anywhere, and that makes for a very unique mission. I did want to mention, though, that Elena reasoning that since RL Earth is close to getting a cure for cancer, Star Wars-verse must already have it doesn't quite work. However, recall that Star Wars takes place "A long time ago..." so nothing happening on modern Earth can be applied to Star Wars, really.
I just wan't to say that you shouldn't worry about the length. I like long missions and I can't be the only. At least I hope not, since I will probably be writing very long missions myself, once I get my license.
I also liked the banter between the agents with the paranoia about one being a former Sue.