Writing Sample

Permission Request! by Sylibane on 2011-06-02 02:50:00 UTC Reply

I'm finally asking for permission. Yay?

Writing sample: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14SaPQ26VGoLWsumVVJe0awzbTCszws3vmqccAvM1vss/edit?hl=enUS&authkey=CPaLpP8D# . It's a bit of original fiction.

Agents:
Name: Soledad Snowbird
Age: 16
Species: human
Home Continuum: World One
Department: Department of Mary Sues
Division: freelance
Partner: Claire Jubilex
Fandom(s): Watchmen, Lord of the Rings, Warcraft, The Legend of Zelda, Fire Emblem, TGWTG
Lust-object(s): Rorschach
Favorite(s): nice hats of all kinds – especially fedoras, candy, video games
Weapon(s): whatever's available
Soledad was recruited to the PPC after a…run-in with some off-duty agents vacationing in World One. She is normally grumpy and sarcastic, though around something she deems squee-worthy, she'll kind of lose control. She's also the less trigger-happy of the pair, and is claustrophobic.

Name: Claire Jubilex
Age: 28
Species: human
Home Continuum: Star Trek: The Original Series
Department: Department of Mary Sues; formerly in the Department of Mary Sue Experiments and Research and Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna
Division: freelance
Partner: Soledad Snowbird
Fandom(s): Pokémon, Star Trek: The Original Series, Harry Potter, Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass, Fullmetal Alchemist, Lord of the Rings, Good Omens, His Dark Materials
Lust-object(s): Crowley
Favorite(s): monsters, shiny objects
Weapon(s): a hand phaser, a small, highly dangerous animal
Claire was recruited from a Star Trek badfic, where she was the science officer aboard a non-canon Federation starship. After her last partner snapped, she transferred to the DMS. She specializes in exobiology, and loves monsters of all kinds, especially minis. Normally, she is very bubbly with a dash of craziness.

The fic I would spork first would be this: <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/12eHhoBKgwkLk1OJgTl8XGorcyx-htpG68Bfitpmz9ts/edit?hl=enUS&authkey=CKin9-4C">https://docs.google.com/document/d/12eHhoBKgwkLk1OJgTl8XGorcyx-htpG68Bfitpmz9ts/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CKin9-4C# . It's full of unlikeable characters (one of whom is a Stu), minis, punctuation errors, bad formatting, and just plain stupidity. I know the author, and he's donated it for killing.

H'm. by Vixenmage on 2011-06-05 17:19:00 UTC Reply

Just so you know, your writing sample went off-line for some reason last night. I actually only saw one error (you put sowing, which refers to planting things, instead of sewing, which you presumably meant), though it is true you can never have enough beta-ing!

Anyway, Permission Granted! Looking forward to your first mission!

Yay! by Sylibane on 2011-06-05 19:36:00 UTC Reply

Thank you!

Writing Sample by DigitalSocrates on 2011-06-05 05:20:00 UTC Reply

Disclaimer: Not a PG but here's my two cents anyway.

You should definitely have your stuff Beta-read. I'm finding several spelling mistakes/word substitutions that should have been caught with a run of proofreading.

Even with how little characterization you show in the writing sample, it's still odd. A strange woman shows up in a boy's bedroom (a boy that isn't described at all, and introduced with quite the disconcerting transition) and he not only accepts everything she says at face value but he feels comfortable enough not only to let her stay with a half-explanation, but to take his eyes off of her to read his script? And he seriously doesn't have a problem with a completely stranger sleeping in the same room as his little sister?

It might make more sense if we are given some indication that he is being impulsive and thoughtless, but the narrative does not imply this. Or even if it was a normal circumstance that people came and slept down here, but that's not indicated either.

Um... by Sylibane on 2011-06-05 06:00:00 UTC Reply

...It was beta-read, actually.

Thanks for the input, though.

Not a PG, but... by Cassie Cameron-Young on 2011-06-02 08:07:00 UTC Reply

Your agents sound interesting enough I'd like to see them in action, and your writing sample, while a bit on the short side, did make me giggle a few times.

In short, I like it! Good luck!