I agree with DS that the tense shifts and sudden appearances of "I" in the narrative are a little disjointing, but not enough to make reading unfun, so whatever; it's your spin-off, your narrative style is up to you. I appreciate your grasp of how the Laws of Narrative Comedy work, so enjoy!

~Neshomeh

Disclaimer: I am not a permission giver. I will now proceed to give you my 2 cents anyway.

The biggest problem with the writing sample is an inconsistent narrator. It waffles between being a neutral omniscient observer (with a snarky personality) and being from Kara's perspective. It should be one or the other. Another thing about an omniscient narrator - they know what's going to happen, so it obviously wouldn't have said 'fortunately Kara was only aiming for Regina' since it already knows everything will go horribly horribly wrong.

Another big violation is that it uses "I said." There should never, ever be a first person pronoun used by a narrator in a third person perspective fic.

I also note:

1)Tense inconsistencies. Her skills shouldn't be described in current tense if the story is described in past tense.

2)Logic fail. Someone getting hit by a water balloon is not a quiet, easily missed event. People tend to scream in surprise, water splashes everywhere. Most likely the whole cafeteria will be aware of what happened after the first one, if not the second one.

3)Logic fail 2: Even if not everyone in the cafeteria noticed right away, how the heck did Regina miss it? While silliness is embraced in the PPC, unless Regina hails from the Looney Toons world this is still a stretch. You didn't even mention anything that might distract her enough to not look around.

4)This is obviously the start of a mission. You shouldn't be writing any part of the mission at all until you have permission.

So as to avoid double posting.

Well, first of all, many thanks to PoorCynic and DML who betaed the sample piece.

I'm applying two agents for DMS, Freelance division, namely:

Joan Ford, about 40 years old, a Tolkien-elf raised in Earth, probably a Noldor since she has black hair and grey eyes. She was adopted in a Led Zeppelin show, and has two bad habits: a nervous tic, which makes her cover her ears with her hair, and the necessity of talking about her relatives --who have always done something similar to what she's witnessing/talking about, etc.-- Apart from that she's balanced, usually not showing the normal amount of insanity of an average agent's until she gets to kill the Sue. She also has an issue with shiny things.
Bob Nothing, 15 Yshkatk-ian years, more or less 22 Earth years. In fact, Bob has an unreadable/unpronounceable name, which made people call him something easier, and no surname. He's still in his freshman year, in the PPC as well as dealing with the many new races he's meeting everyday, so he usually sticks his foot in his mouth or is close to it; he also finds everything funny and is constantly amused. He thinks even the Laws of Narrative Comedy and the Ironic Overpower are funny and is constantly tempting them; of course, they don't fall for it that easy, but eventually they'll teach him not to tempt them.

This is the sample:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Nptwmo6nuv4fn0qkcRn4Yk4ZWZStkox9bKd67V09Q6c/edit?hl=en&authkey=CMeU4J8J#

And this is the fic I intend to spork:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5343123/1/Beyond_Love