Some constructive criticism, I hope

Subject: Some constructive criticism, I hope
Author: PoorCynic
Posted on: 2011-03-30 02:54:00 UTC

Harry Potter really isn't my bag, but I've been in your shoes. The quality of the criticism here has been lacking of late, IMHO. So... *rolls up sleeves* let's get cracking!

*The following contains spoilers for anyone who hasn't read the mission yet.*

I think this a pretty strong introductory piece. Phobos (the character) has been given some good characterization quirks regarding his background and his relationship with the PPC, like the drama class stuff. I definitely would like to see those elements be developed over the course of his next few missions. You've also got some good banter going, and there's nothing I love more in a mission than good banter.

The character of Decima was a little disappointing, however. There are already a lot of snippy, snarky PPC agents out there (including some of my own, I'll admit), but most of them have some other sort of distinguishing characteristics or features. Decima doesn't really stand out. I understand that this is Phobos's tale, but I think the story could have been even stronger with a more three-dimensional partner.

The biggest stumbling block I had was the ending. It felt somewhat unoriginal: rookie ends up saving more experienced partner from death/possession/fate worse than death/etc. The whole thing seemed like a setup to show off Phobos's hidden potential as an agent. I also ended up with a question I don't think you intended me to have: why was Decima unable to hold the spirit? It didn't seem that powerful. Maybe if it had screwed up the canon more, I might buy that it couldn't be controlled as easily. But there's nothing to suggest that this particular authorwraith is more powerful than any other Bad Slash spirit.

I hope that helped, and I look forward to your next missions.

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Pluggery by Phobos on 2011-03-28 05:58:00 UTC Reply

At long last, I have finished the mission that I began working on for Cassie's "Write a non-Sue mission" challenge in October. So, without further ado, I give you...

The Misadventures of Phobos, Part One - Bad Slash (NSFW)

Thanks to Neshomeh, Data Junkie, and Caddy-shack for being betas.

I like these two by jakraziel on 2011-03-31 00:36:00 UTC Reply

Looking forward to future fics.
Well done. *applause* by doctorlit on 2011-03-30 05:58:00 UTC Reply

It took me a while to get around to reading this, but I'm very glad I did. I usually don't enjoy Bad Slash missions as much as other types because I'm squicked too easily. However, I enjoyed this mission a lot because it was incredibly entertaining without focusing on the sex itself. The jokes you framed around the situations kept me snickering almost the whole time, and prevented me from focusing on the slash aspects overly much.

My main complaint is with the handling of the clones of Hermione and Ginny, which Miah already mentioned a bit. This was a bizarre manifestation even for a PPC mission, and I wish you had included some of the original wording that was causing them to pop into existence. I'm guessing they were part of sentences describing "in-bed" actions, which you were maybe wanting to avoid over-quoting, for which my sanity thanks you. Still, it would have been nice to be able to read the original badfic author's words, so we could see the thought process that went into the clone joke.

Re: Well done. *applause* by Phobos on 2011-03-30 06:06:00 UTC Reply

I can understand that. The problem was that there were 40-50 instances of it in the fic, which was only 4 pages long. I wouldn't know where to start.

Basically, the author forgot to add an apostrophe, turning "Hermione's" into "Hermiones". The first being singular possessive, the second being plural (multiple Hermiones). Thus the clones.

I am sorry that I didn't make it more clear.

Ah, I see! by doctorlit on 2011-03-30 06:10:00 UTC Reply

We usually treat those as minis, hence my confusion. I think I like your interpretation better, actually. Apostrophe Fail is such a common mistake, after all, and not quite the same thing as misspelling a name.

Re: Ah, I see! by Phobos on 2011-03-30 06:12:00 UTC Reply

Normally it would have been a mini, true. But there were just so many that I had to do something else with it.

Interesting by Miah on 2011-03-30 05:34:00 UTC Reply

I found the bit at the beginning interesting with Phobos meeting himself. It did leave me wondering where the extra Phobos' went. If the one in front of him left, and said that one had already left, and etc. Did they all cease to exist except the one in the story, or will the PPC be full of Phobos clones in the near future? :D

I thought it was funny when the Flower pushed him through the portal unprepared.

I haven't read all that many Harry Potter missions, so I was wondering, is the absence of a ban on males in the girls dorms a PPC thing, or was it specific to this fic?

I've never seen the thing with clones of the characters appearing. I really liked it, but I could have used just a bit more explanation for their appearance. I was also wondering if each ones personality traits were somehow related to the text, or if it was just random.

I didn't think it was very nice of Decima to make a pillow and blanket for herself and not for Phobos or Goth!Ginny.

I really loved that he started quoting Shakespeare for the exorcism.

Overall, I found it a lot of fun, but the mission section felt sort of rushed to me--not like you were rushing while writing, like it didn't slow me down enough as a reader. The pacing, I guess. I know he didn't understand what was going on exactly, but I felt like there could have been more talk between the two of them. He does seem like a very go with the flow kind of guy, but it surprised me that he didn't seem at least a bit curious.

Re: Interesting by Phobos on 2011-03-30 05:55:00 UTC Reply

Don't worry. The extra Phoboses (Phobosai? Phoboids? Sheep?) were all taken care of by quantum. You see, they were all the same person, almost like ripples in a pond. Once the ripples hit the edge, they cease to exist. Once Phobos turned the corner the ripples were gone.

Specific to this mission, so far as I am aware. I figured, they messed with stuff enough that the stairs would not function as they should. It also allowed me to have Phobos there for the action.

I had a list of Ginny and Hermione types that are common in fanfiction. When a clone appeared, I picked one off the list. I usually just picked whichever one I thought would be the funniest.

And yeah, Decima can be inconsiderate at times.

Phobos is an actor, Shakespeare made sense. Also, there were lines that were too perfect to pass up.

As for the pacing, you are probably right. To be honest, I needed this mission to be done before I could move on to the next one, so I may have cut short some things. It was also a very short fic, so that played a part in it as well.

Anyways, glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for the detailed review.

A concern by Phobos on 2011-03-29 07:09:00 UTC Reply

First of all, thank you to everyone who has read my mission. It is appreciated, honestly.

However, I expected better reviews from the PPC. I had hoped that the reviews would be more in-depth. I know that you like the mission, but I don't know why. What did I do right? What can I improve upon to make the next mission better? What did you like and why did you like it? Also, I know that my writing is not perfect, so I refuse to believe that there is not one thing in this mission that someone out there took issue with/didn't understand/whatever. I want to hear that stuff, too.

The reason why I am so disappointed is that I am trying to become a better writer, as most (if not all) of us are. I can't do that if I don't get constructive criticism.

So give me your best and your worst. I can take it. I am not afraid of the truth. I am afraid of the silence.

-Phobos

Some constructive criticism, I hope by PoorCynic on 2011-03-30 02:54:00 UTC Reply

Harry Potter really isn't my bag, but I've been in your shoes. The quality of the criticism here has been lacking of late, IMHO. So... *rolls up sleeves* let's get cracking!

*The following contains spoilers for anyone who hasn't read the mission yet.*

I think this a pretty strong introductory piece. Phobos (the character) has been given some good characterization quirks regarding his background and his relationship with the PPC, like the drama class stuff. I definitely would like to see those elements be developed over the course of his next few missions. You've also got some good banter going, and there's nothing I love more in a mission than good banter.

The character of Decima was a little disappointing, however. There are already a lot of snippy, snarky PPC agents out there (including some of my own, I'll admit), but most of them have some other sort of distinguishing characteristics or features. Decima doesn't really stand out. I understand that this is Phobos's tale, but I think the story could have been even stronger with a more three-dimensional partner.

The biggest stumbling block I had was the ending. It felt somewhat unoriginal: rookie ends up saving more experienced partner from death/possession/fate worse than death/etc. The whole thing seemed like a setup to show off Phobos's hidden potential as an agent. I also ended up with a question I don't think you intended me to have: why was Decima unable to hold the spirit? It didn't seem that powerful. Maybe if it had screwed up the canon more, I might buy that it couldn't be controlled as easily. But there's nothing to suggest that this particular authorwraith is more powerful than any other Bad Slash spirit.

I hope that helped, and I look forward to your next missions.

Thank you! by Phobos on 2011-03-30 03:48:00 UTC Reply

PoorCynic, I salute you!

First off, I am glad that you enjoyed the mission.

Second, you are right, I probably could have fleshed out Decima some more. If it is any consolation, I intend to bring her back in future missions, so I can fix that more at a later date. I will consider how best to set her apart from the rest of the snarky agents.

Third, it hadn't occurred to me that the ending might be a bit contrived. I can see the point, now that you mention it. It has been done before.

I do have a reason why Decima's circle was unable to hold the wraith. It seems to me that exorcisms require a lot of faith. Most agents have faith that exorcisms work this way because they have seen it work a hundred times. However, Decima is native to Potterverse, where spectacle and props are generally unnecessary to make magic work. She therefore has a hard time believing that the exorcism methods of the PPC could possibly work better than a simple spell could. Usually that isn't a problem. This wraith was just a little stronger than average, resulting in the issues in the mission.

I was simply unable to find a place to put all of that information in the mission, being that the characters are unaware of the mechanics. Perhaps Decima finding her faith could be something to explore.

Again, thank you so much. This is the kind of critique that allows a writer to grow.

PFFFT. by Gamma on 2011-03-28 21:49:00 UTC Reply

I'm loving the Doctor Who reference.
I can't wait for part two!
Re: Pluggery by Karen Elaine DuLay on 2011-03-28 18:57:00 UTC Reply

Much, much like, I have. Are you going to have more people mistake him for an agent? Can't wait for moooore! :D

Indeed by Phobos on 2011-03-28 19:19:00 UTC Reply

I intend the Misadventures to be a trilogy of missions, culminating in Phobos becoming an official agent. I have the third installment already picked out, I am just looking for the perfect fic for the second mission.

Speaking of the challenge... by Sergio Turbo on 2011-03-28 15:37:00 UTC Reply

In the end, how many people managed to stay in the limit? I too ended up posting it a lot later.

I think Miah and I did. by Pretzel on 2011-03-28 23:19:00 UTC Reply

After checking the post date of the mission, we certainly did.

Awesome. by Pretzel on 2011-03-28 10:04:00 UTC Reply

I can't wait for the second part. *grin*