Garbage from the Pit of Balrogs.

Garbage from the Pit of Balrogs. by Tawaki on 2011-02-20 17:02:00 UTC

Here, have some more badfic. by EvilPin on 2011-02-24 06:06:00 UTC Reply

The link I'm posting below leads to the complete oeuvre of one Hans von Hozel. He claims he's writing these fics to "make an improve of my English." Some of his best works (read: the fics that I actually read) are:

Knuckles and Sonic save the Beach: Where Knuckles and Sonic do absolutely nothing of the sort, and Tails is mistaken for a girl (I think. The wording is rather vague on that regard.)

The Raven: Wherein some hunters attempt to kill the titular character of the Edgar Allen Poe poem of the same name for its "nice fur coat!"

HalfLife: The Combine arrive and smash Gordon's "Science." Then Gordon kills them.

Warhammer: Unique among all other Warhammer fics, in that Hans admits that he knows absolutely nothing about the universe, and instead writes a story about generic aliens and a sentient warhammer.

The Room: An alternative ending to the movie of the same name, where Earth and Mars are nuked into oblivion. (And yet I still can't help but think that this would have made perfect sense had it actually been the ending for The Room.)

There are many more fanfics to be found in the link below. (248, to be specific, all of them short, one chapter affairs.) In general, if you name a fandom, chances are good Hans has written a fic about it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1730364/HansvonHozel

Wow. by Neshomeh on 2011-02-24 20:44:00 UTC Reply

I don't know what's funnier: the fics themselves, or the trolls. They certainly are having a heyday with him.

The stories I read are funny, though. I mean, it's possible to get what he means, even though he's doing it wrong.

A mission to them--probably a few at a time, to make any kind of decent story--might be an interesting challenge.

~Neshomeh

Yeah. I sort of wonder about him though... by EvilPin on 2011-02-25 06:22:00 UTC Reply

I have a theory about that guy. I'm guessing, when he started writing these fics back in ye olden days of 2008, that he was genuinely trying to improve his grasp of the English language. However, at some point, after he had improved his English language skills, he looked up, saw the reviews he was getting for his fics, and said, "Hm, you know, these fics I wrote aren't written very well, but the reviewers seem to love their unintentional hilarity. I'll just keep writing that way, people would love it, and I'll danube my way into Internet stardom!" Of course, we'll probably never know the truth one way or the other.

As for the idea of doing a mission on one of those fics, I think the best ones to start with would be the two Titanic fics he wrote, since one of them is a prequel to the other. There's also one multi chapter fic he put up which covers, of all things, the Eurovision Song Contest 2009, but I haven't looked at that one, and thus, couldn't tell you if it's any good to spork.

I just thought that he was yet another troll by The 9th Blue Mage on 2011-02-26 22:14:00 UTC Reply

But yeah, these could be sporked...

I know quite a few of these fanfics that this author has written for, so it could be quite fun for me.

Con. of last post. by The 9th Blue Mage on 2011-02-26 22:39:00 UTC Reply

As of this post...

The fic with the most words is this fic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4731246/1/TheBible
It is of the Bible canon and has 3,081 in 13 chapters.

Here the second longest fic, which has "complete" as it's status:
<a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4633800/1/MattkillDigimon">http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4633800/1/Mattkill_Digimon
It is of the Digimon (Seems to use the name of a character from the 1st and 2nd second seasons in it's title), which has 2,888 words in 25 chapters.

Right now, this is the shortest fic, with only 45 words in a single chapter:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4963053/1/Cars
It is of the Cars canon.

Hey, am I allowed... by Jacer on 2011-02-21 17:47:00 UTC Reply

...to add to the badfic thread with fics that aren't LotR?

Re: Hey, am I allowed... by L'homme_Arbre on 2011-02-21 18:02:00 UTC Reply

People are always saying to avoid making new posts when you can add to old ones, so it would be pretty hypocritical oto scold you for following orders, don't you think?

A rather chaotic fic... by Antigone68104 on 2011-02-24 15:07:00 UTC Reply

...partly because the author posted each chapter as a separate fic.

For the sake of simplicity, here's a link to the author's page: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2747082/Adbip . The fic sequence is "Adventure of xaiver and freinds", "Finding a teamate", and "Pokemon Misk up".
Ooh, goody. by Jacer on 2011-02-21 18:20:00 UTC Reply

I present "Choices" and its sequel "You Don't Have a Choice!," Narnia badfics. Ow.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6624345/1/Choices
Peter and Susan are given the choice to remain in Narnia, while Edmund and Lucy return to England. What will they choose? What will happen on the Dawn Treader? How will all of this affect Narnia? Susan/Caspian, Peter/OC, Edmund/Lilliandil and Lucy/OC. R&R
Chronicles of Narnia - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 21 - Words: 24,482 - Reviews: 75 - Updated: 1-22-11 - Published: 1-4-11 - Susan Pevensie & Caspian X - Complete

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6672840/1/YouDontHaveaChoice
A take on the silver chair with all of the new Narnian Royals in it. Ril's gone missing and his cousins and sister go out to find him. What could possibly go wrong? Sequel to Choices. R&R.
Chronicles of Narnia - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 35,445 - Reviews: 59 - Updated: 2-21-11 - Published: 1-21-11 - Caspian X & Susan Pevensie - Complete

The author first lets Peter and Susan stay in Narnia, then lets Edmund and Lucy stay after Dawn Treader, then proceeds to pair every single person up, including the children of the original pairings. Multiple OCs(/Sues?). Oh, and Rilian's the son of Caspian and Susan, and been nicknamed "Ril." She includes the (long) info on every person in EVERY chapter.

Agh...

Two things: by Aeidhryn on 2011-02-21 14:25:00 UTC Reply

1) The Library of Moria is always in need of smiting.

2) I do not believe the poor Balrogs can be compared to this stuff... I somehow sense the stuff belongs somewhere beneath an abyss...
Could you repeat that comment in English, please? (nm) by L'homme_Arbre on 2011-02-20 18:08:00 UTC Reply

"Laugh, Melian and Artanis, at your broken love. by Tawaki on 2011-02-20 18:29:00 UTC Reply

A reference to Pagliacci.