A) this is not too much
B) Welcome
C) I'm the Perpetual Newbie, Official Foot-In-Mouth, and All-Around Lurker.
D) Don't worry about the odd gifts, you can just keep them in my-
E) Handy-dandy fairy box! From Ella Enchanted. Not the movie, the book. Most definitely not the movie.
F) Good solid reviews is *literally* what makes the ppc work. *See 'concrit' in the ppc wiki*, so good for you.
G) You will most certainly have fun here.
H) You may not be able to fit the tall ship anywhere legal, but everyone has one so don't worry about it
I) It says on the top of the Board this is also a place for nattering on, so don't be shy
J) But don't post more than 2 threads in one day because it pushes old ones off
K) Do you read Terry Pratchett books? It might be wise of you to do so since there are so many inside jokes on those ones. Also Lord of the Rings
L) Are you going to write any agents?
M) You don't have to.
N) Don't mind me; I just like the letters
O) Your post was *obviously* not too long as you can see by my demonstration... natter natter nattering on
P) I will refrain from using the entire alphabet, because if I continued I would have to use something weird like double letters or the military alphabet, and I can't even go past the letter L in the military alphabet

Nice choice of fandoms. In honor of the occasion, have a sonic screwdriver and a bag of jelly babies. Please use responsibly!

Have a lightsaber from a fellow Star Wars lover. (Color options: blue, green, or red. No stupid expanded universe colors.)

Here is an assortment of pointy objects. They include, but are not limited to: Lectures, Japanese chopsticks and wizzard hats.

Welcome! Have some House Roac hot chocolate, always delicious. If you want whipped cream, you'll have to look elsewhere.

Good to meet you :) It doesn't look like anyone's given you The Links yet, so...

Here they are!

The Links are a collection of articles and other useful URLs that we politely ask every newbie to read, as they really do contain Useful Information. In relative order of sensible-reading-ness, they are:

* The Original PPC Series, which we assume you've already read.
* The List of Killed Badfic, which will direct you to a large number of non-Original PPC Missions.

The Board:
* The Board Constitution
* The FAQ: For the Board

The Wiki:
* We have our very own PPC Wiki
* The very-important-to-read-before-requesting-Permission Permission article
* Our Guide To The PPC
* The Mission Writing Guide
* The Slash-Sporking Guide
* The FAQ: For Newbies.
When you are ready to edit the wiki, make sure to read Neshomeh's excellent editing tutorial.

And finally, but very usefully,
* The List of Everything PPC

Have a good time here! Just try not to get lost and wander off into places that you shouldn't be at, though. I don't think that will be a good result...

Welcome to the Board! Here, have some chocolate, and enjoy your stay here!

Welcome to the PPC! Would love to see your fics when they're completed. Here, have some trail mix and an "upgraded" elephant gun (useful for dealing with pesky dinosaur Sues, as well as general mayhem.)

Have a ridiculously huge rubber band!

You can use it to construct a fun swing for a Sue, then catapult her into a pointy piece of scenery!

Fair winds!

Now you can throw BBQ parties!

Have a gun. Not for shooting yourself in the foot, it's for killing Sues with.

AAH! NEW GUY!
Have a pet cat. You may name him whatever you wish. So long as it's not 'Lucky'. Cats called Lucky have a tendency to get run over.

Welcome, new friend!

Have a Needler and a Proofing Pencil--it stops writing if you spell something wrong! They're good for staying in the habit of proper spelling.

Please accept this hand-crafted thingamabob as a welcoming gift.

Hello. Have a seventeen foot long, multicolored, wool, knit scarf (curly wig not included), and a bag of jelly babies.

Please use them IRresponsibly.

Yay for more Stargate fans!

Welcome to the Board! Please deposit your sanity in the provided receptacle. *indicates bucket marked "Warg Fodder"* You shan't need it here.

Have a panda that eats, shoots and leaves!

Do not feed it Sues.

Welcome to the PPC! *hands over bag of pebbles and a Random Shiny Object* Hope you have fun here; we like leaving good reviews, helping people and having fun too! :D

You here a sound. It was faint at first, just at the edge of one's hearing, but as the wind kicked up, the sound came in clearer, louder. A screeching, grinding wail, rhythmically pulsing like the beat of a human heart. A light appeared, shimmering in time, and with every pulse grew brighter. Then, with a clunk and a whir, a large blur police box solidified, the wail petering off into a gentle sub-sonic hum. The Door on the side of the police box opens and a tall thin man pops out.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor." To the uneducated observer, this tall thin man looked like some kind of crazed old-fashioned professor, with his tweed jacket and suspenders and bow-tie, but he was too young to be a professor, his hair hair coiffed in some kind of ridiculous pompadour. But his eyes, his eyes gave away what he really was. They were eyes that had seen empires rise, galaxies come into being, stars being born, and all of them return to dust. Eyes that had seen everything. Eyes that right now were looking rather confused.

"Oh, I am terribly sorry madam," He said after looking around. "I seem to have wandered into here by mistake. I'll be going now." And with those words the man popped back into his box and, in a inverted but similar method to its arrival, the police box vanishes. As the last waves of sound fade an average sized, average blond man in a black duster comes charging around a corner with a black backpack in hand.

"Think fast." He says, tossing you the bag as he runs by. "It's a bag of holding. Have fun and try not to maim anyone." Just as he finishes he goes around another corner.

Welcome to the Board, and by extension, the PPC. It's always good to see a new name, and I hope you'll be sticking around for a while. After all, we can always use new recruits in the fight against that which threatens to destabilize all of the continua out there.

Here's your official Newbie hat (available in eye-searing urple or retch-worthy blello; your choice), as well as a Frying Pan of DOOM^TM. Enjoy your stay!