Subject: Re: Hmm.
Author:
Posted on: 2010-09-10 01:58:00 UTC
Hm...
That still doesn't improve it, POV-centric or not. Besides, I have a feeling if it was focusing on the sue's point of view, then I bet it'd be gushing over one of them and treating the other like dirt. (refuses to acknowledge the sue as a female)
Name: Griffin Duhamel
Species: Human
Home Continuum: Real World
Department: Mary-Sues
Skills: Knows how to assemble a gun, how to aim said gun at someone and severely wound them, very good at basketball, and can speak fluently in several dialects of Chinese
Weapons: Handgun
Appearance: Griffin is quite tall, having been an avid basketball player for his school team. He stands at 6’3’’, and has curly brown hair and wears glasses with dark blue frames. When not in uniform, he usually goes around in a plain T-shirt and jeans.
Backstory: Griffin is from a well-off family, and attended a private school. Extremely tall and athletic, he made the basketball team almost immediately. His mother is Chinese and taught him how to speak in fluent Chinese. He refuses to curse or use foul language, because his father told him that it was ‘uncouth’ and ‘vulgar’. He fell into HQ via a plot hole in his shower. He was recruited and placed with Charlie in the Department of Mary-Sues, and is usually placed in the position of tasting her experimental recipes.
Name: Charlie Gal-Or
Species: Human
Home Continuum: Real World
Department: Mary-Sues
Skills: Decent at archery (but is very bad at other sports), cooks very well, and can write extremely fast
Weapons: Bow and arrows
Appearance: In contrast to her partner, Charlie is quite short and stands just below 5 ft. She has cropped dark hair that swings by her chin and freckles across her nose. When not in uniform, she often is found in any random pieces of clothing and an apron, usually experimenting with her cooking.
The story I'd like to kill: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5173541/1/
It's about an OC called Bianca who somehow gains the affections of both Lelouch and Gino. It's in the Code Geass fandom. She's the uncanonical daughter of Lloyd Asplund.
Writing Sample: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6289043/1/Ever_After
Several snippets throughout the episodes of Code Geass.
Cheers!
~X.B.
I've got some questions: What are Griffin and Charlie/Georgie's personalities like? What do they like/love, and do they not like/hate? Since you shared their talents, then what are the things that they are not too good at?
PS: Sorry if I seem too demanding to you: I just want to help you flesh the characters out with these questions. Just trying to be helpful...
From the Suefic: The man offered her his hand and she placed hers in his. He gently pulled her onto the dance floor as a simple waltz was beginning to play. Our fingers laced, Bianca rested a hand on his shoulder, and the man one on her hip.
Looks like someone got a little too deep into her own fantasy, there.
Permission Granted. One thing, though...does your female agent have to be named Charlie? It's going to be confusing, especially since once your PPC is on the Complete List of PPC Fiction, it will be titled after its starring agents. Just a suggestion.
Or maybe I'm just having unpleasant flashbacks.
~Araeph
Yeah, I suppose it's confusing. I think I might name her Georgie.
Thanks so much!
~Xanthia B.
You know, that isn't the only hint where that sue is just the author's self-insert, so here are a few more examples:
I led the way out of our house to where John waited at the limo.
As we approached, he called out,
We stepped in at the announcement of our names.
The blonde grabbed my hand and led me back.
Lelouch stared at me.
He handed me a flute.
I waved once to both Gino and Lelouch.
John helped us into the car.
And maybe more hints than just these here that I could've missed.
(Sorry if I sound like a smart-alec: These mary-sues just irritate me. I just can't believe that they're spoiling my (user)name like this)
You know, I kinda figured that there has to be waaaay more badfics for Code Geass than just this one, considering certain factors in that series...
PS: Fight the flashbacks, don't let it defeat you, because you can beat it since these are just horny girl's dreams here. That's what I tell to myself.
With that many errors of the same type, I suspect the story was originally written in first person, and then the author went back and changed it. Having done the same thing once, I know how hard it is to catch every pronoun. Not that that's an excuse. It really, really isn't.
~Neshomeh