Subject: Well, in that case...
Author:
Posted on: 2010-09-04 21:14:00 UTC
This fic is mine! I claim the horror!
I'll just have a quick run through 'The Sands of Time' and 'Warrior Within' to make sure I don't miss any charges, then hop to it!
One more question, though. When you post a mission on LiveJournal, is it okay to accompany it with an illustration?
All fans of Prince of Persia, brace yourselves and look at this.
The God of Time
There are so many things wrong with this fic, I don't really know where to start, but I'll try anyway.
It's set directly after the events of 'Warrior Within'. Two characters, referred to as the Prince and Kaileena, are on a boat, traveling away from the Island of Time. This may seem like an awkward way of phrasing it, but these two are not, repeat, NOT the Prince and Kaileena as we know them.
The Prince has fallen victim to Character Rupture on a grandiose scale. The big tough badass from 'Warrior Within' has been turned into a sickening blend of lecher, therapy counsellor, crybaby and prudish priest. Obviously, his speech and behavioral patterns have been wrenched beyond recognition.
Example: the Prince would never, EVER stand for another man pinching him in the butt.
Kaileena is, well, not Kaileena at all anymore. I strongly suspect full-scale Character Replacement. Maybe it's just me, but somehow I can't picture her as the
"my-daddy-started-raping-me-on-a-regular-basis-when-I-was-fourteen-and-even-though-I-hated-it-with-every-fiber-of-my-being-I-sorta-kinda-ended-up-liking-it"-type.
Yes, you read that right: the authoress says that she (replacement!Kaileena) ended up ENJOYING getting raped by her own father!
Need I say more? Okey-dokey.
1. Replacement!Kaileena's two (OC) sisters also got raped by daddy and enjoyed it (plus we get a hint of twincest), one of her (OC) brothers was reviled by daddy for being a homosexual, and the other brother is a complete (albeit heavily clichéd) psycho.
2.The authoress' grasp of the English language is nothing short of terrible: her punctuation stinks, she constantly uses words that she doesn't even understand correctly ("Her spine crackled."), the Pronoun Problem shows itself now and then, words that should be there are dropped, words that should not be there are squeezed in anyway, sentence fragments are all over the place, and the sentences themselves are often just plain stupid. Example: "Kaileena's stomach bubbled with indecision." What on earth does that mean? That she's hungry and doesn't know what she wants to eat?
Spelling? Ooooh boy. Grammar? Don't go there.
3. The authoress contradicts herself. A lot. As in, one hundred times per chapter.
4. Calling the Department of Redundancy Department! And how. Sometimes (well, all the time actually) we get ten sentences for the price of one.
5. The dialogue is so painfully stilted it's almost hilarious. No-one on earth talks like this. You get more natural conversations in grammar guides. Also, way too much unnecessary exposition.
6. Anachronisms. There simply were no glasses in ancient Persia.
7. There's some mangled Olde English in there too.
8. The OC sisters can malletspace! Their clothing consists solely of two or three strips of transparent fabric, but they pull out tridents anyway!
9. The big fight scenes are bizarre and, towards the end, just plain sick, and the conversations between the opponents read like the minutes of a support group meeting.
10. The authoress' view of the 'Eye of the Storm'-power (NOT called 'Slow Time') is, in my opinion, totally unrealistic. If it causes everything except the wielder of said power to slow down, enemies should not have trouble breathing or anything, since all their vital functions have slowed down as well.
10. The Prince, by all accounts, is in his twenties, not middle-aged, and certainly not withered.
11. I retract my previous statement. The entire fic reads like the minutes of a support group meeting. Attended by dimwits.
12. Now I'm reminded of that scene with the fairy godmothers and the newborn princess. Brilliant.
13. The prince can configure himself to withstand attacks. Le gasp! He is Borg!
13. Stop. Talking.
14. The final chapter is cataclysmically stupid, and oh yeah, the whole thing ends with healing secks.
There's a whole lot more to say, but I will only add this. In later chapters, the writing reaches a level of badness that's actually surreal. You're horrified, but you can't stop giggling. It's THAT bad.
I apologize for the length of this post. It's just that this fic... is... nrk...
GAH!
Should I put this up on Unclaimed? (Like I even need to ask.)
put it up on the Unclaimed. That's just...
*sigh*
To whomsoever kills this: Gods' speed.
Okay, it's up there. I can hardly wait to see the mission for this baby.
By the way: yesterday, after reading... it... I simply did not have enough energy left to look at the author's profile page, but I have done so now. If it has been updated correctly, he (yes, he!) can't be more than eighteen right now, which means he was about thirteen when this thing was written.
An excuse for the piss-poor quality of his work? Not in this multiverse. If anything, it ups the fic several notches on the creepiness scale.
Age is not an excuse. I would cite myself as an example, but... I don't really want to be connected to this story...
Oh yeah, this fic gives us at least four new minis, to wit, Kaileeena, Kailleena, the Pirnce and Shadi.
What kind of creatures should they be? Sand Crows? Could make for an interesting discussion.
...but if there's no mini already listed for the Prince of Persia continuum, then I suppose that if you were to claim it (which you can do freely before your newbie-month is up) then you would do the honors. There's no real requirement for you to consult the Board just because you're making a Minis (unless you really, really want to.)
Just a few notes on making Minis, if you don't want to; they're usually minature versions of things that are normally very, very large, it's preferred that they're specific to that canon only (i.e. no mini-Dragons or mini-Trolls), and they tend to be ugly/scary things to start out with but then become almost sickeningly cute by the sheer virtue of being small.
Well, that's enough out of me. See you around, SttQ.
Well, if those are the requirements for minis, then this guy fits the bill perfectly.
Everyone, meet the Dahaka!
He's big, he's bad, he scares the daylights out of everyone, and he can only be found in the POP continuum. As a mini, however, I think he'd be just like a black, smoky teddy-bear (I like teddy-bears).
Ahem.
Although I'm just itching to lay the ever-living whup on this fic (in fact, while I was wading through it last night, fantasizing about PPCing it was the only thing that kept my food down), there is a problem. The fanfics I'm planning are still in the conceptual stage, so I have no sample of my mad writing skillz to show you. Therefore, would it be acceptable if I wrote the mission (in OpenOffice, for example) and then posted one or more fragments of it on the Board for you guys to judge?
...More like guidelines. But in any case, the Dahaka sounds perfect.
As for the Permission Request...
Well, one well-established method for the sample is to depict the Agent's first meeting. These are rarely longer than a page, and are quick and easy to dash out.
On the other hand, for my request I cut-n-pasted my first mission (which I had already written by accident) from Word into GoogleDocs, posted the link along with a few lines about my characters, and waited a few days for one of the PG's to notice it. As far as I know I'm the first to have done it like that, and nobody gave a damn.
The writing sample really isn't something to stress too much about. Give something that you're proud of. If they like it, you're in. If they don't, revise, edit, repeat.
EBW, overthinking things as usual.
This fic is mine! I claim the horror!
I'll just have a quick run through 'The Sands of Time' and 'Warrior Within' to make sure I don't miss any charges, then hop to it!
One more question, though. When you post a mission on LiveJournal, is it okay to accompany it with an illustration?
You can always claim fics before you get Permission.
You can also use original fic for your Permission request piece. That's what I did.
...But I can easily see that adding loads of depth and such to a story. I can't see any reason not to. I would myself, only I can't draw for crap. But if you can, vaya con dios, my friend!
This fic is just creepy. Babyverse-and-beyond creepy. Beware.