"She ran after her sister in break-neck speed, while Jessica ran as fast as she could from her. Suddenly, she tripped over a rock, and ran into a man-eating plant."

WONDER OF WONDERS, A MAN-EATING PLANT.

Here are some that I consider gems.

From "big daddy" by ANBU commander silverwing (posted on Unclaimed Badfic)

"Abaddon snickered and shouted 'hey you!' he shouted to another member practicing throwing his knifes as he looked over at him and Abaddon continued 'YEAH YOU
JUTSU PRACTICE TIME AND I WILL INCREASE YOUR PAY FOR ONLY THIS ONE DAY!'

Making the member nod enthusiastically and Abaddon looked at Mitchell said 'watch!' they watched in interest as the member did hand signs in a rapid blur but to
Abaddon it was like watching a snail crawl slowly. They gasped as the member spat a huge fireball out of his mouth the size of a house which hit the log and shattered
it like a twig before turning it into ashes. Abaddon grinned and said 'ah fire style grand fireball justu one of the best techniques but not the strongest.'"

From "Terrible as the dawn" by unknown author

"Sairalinde proped herself up in bed and watched Nessa continue to go through her draws. Legolas had gone to breakfast so only Arwen and Nessa were still there."

From "Chosen" by Kaos Girl

"All she saw was forest, but not much of it because it was pitch black under the canopy of trees. Either somebody dragged her out here or somehow when she was unconscious, she crawled away from her car and ended up in the forest."

From "Rest My Child" by unknown author

"The young boy watched as the woman he thought was his mother leaves, being forced to leave him. His eyes burned with fire and his whole body suddenly exploded, leaving the room on fire, calling for his mother 'MUMMY!'"

From "Picard's Illumination" by Lorelei MacKenzie

"'Oh God!!!! Why??? Why Why Why???' Picard screamed in agony and fell to his knees. 'Why did she do it?' he was sobbing so hard that he began to hiccup. 'I (hic) loved (hic) her!'"

From "Dauter of an ent" by unknown author

"quicbem was out walking agan & he saw the gorgous lady agan. 'lady' he said.

'ah quicbeam' she said. 'this is our child' she showed him a baby & the baby was betufil"

From "Lies will trap you but are you sure the truth wont" by WildChild (note: 'Matrix' badfic)

"'Hello' he said in a calm Monotonous tone. He was tall that's for sure. He was also Buff the only way I can illustrate this is that he had kind of Muscly arms with a six pac"

And finally, a long one from "4 Survivors of Aliens" by Timothy Hokinson

"The Salvage Technician, Blake, enthused spoke harsly to the Synthetic Knight said,
Blake, 'OK, if it offends your sensibilities, I am sorry, now get off your high-horse and give me the Exterior Status.'

Knight responded amused retributive entrenchment,
Knight, 'C.O.P.S. Patrol Ship Saratoga has docked and Officer Lymangood is on his way to you.'

Blake, 'Shit...!
Blake paused a moment...
Blake, 'Knight you Bastard.'

Knight, 'That is correct...'
Agreed Knight with a smile, humorously continuing,
Knight, 'I didn't have a father, funny enough I didn't have a mother too.'

Blake, 'And I bet SHIT...!' Blake replied satirically mocking Knight, followed by...

Blake, 'Is an extraordinary concept too you as well!?!'"

There are a few that stand out. First, this one, which I don't think I was able to quote directly in the mission:

"I was just looking through the mail, thinking about my girlfriend Quistis(I can use her name because she's from another world)"
--"The Smasher" by Spidey3000

From the same fic, this one is good, too:

"My brother, Crazy, is saying that he's going to beat you as bad in real life as he did in the videogame, without my help. Not that that should influence your decision (he also said you were a sissy girl)."

I don't even know what the author was thinking with this:

"'Is-is everyone alright?' She asked, throat rasping.

'Yeah…' Ron answered with a slight moan, 'Except I can't feel my hooves.'

'Ron, you don’t have hooves.' Harry replied to him, chuckling, or trying to, since it was quite painful. Ginny was heard to giggle throatily at Ron's exclamation of horror."

--"Harry Potter and the Dragonriders of Pern" by Lesalanna

For sheer OOCness, this next one takes the cake. Note the endearment and reluctance to perform a life-saving action because the Sue wouldn't like it:

"'Cordelia, can you hear me? Come on sweetling, please open your eyes.' Snape realized that he would have to force feed the potions to her but was afraid of what that might do to her, he knew his niece and he knew that she did not like being force fed."
--"Family Ties" by dancing stars

I'm sure there are others, but that should do for now.

~Neshomeh

"Ever since I burned a hole in the roof when I was three, she has treated me like dirt."
-"My Own Match" by Pele the Goddess

"During one of tournaments a new bad guyappears...He's dressed in traditional karate outfit and is VERY fast and acrobatic. He also is pissed off all the time (he even has bloody red eyes from being angry)."
-"Karate Villain" by enkidu

"For a many year Hogwharts being a goodly school and students have a happy education in it. Suddenly , Harry Potter!"
-"Harry Potter" by deadpinkchicken

From When gods wish to punish us by Firenze.sun

I swear this is a direct quote--the opening paragraph of the story.

"One chance, that was all he asked for. One chance to know how it would be like to feel that he love him. Be able to feel at least one those lips against his and taste that mouth. And in case that he had the luck to be in that tiny chance of opportunities in which his feelings were reciprocated, he would like to know. Every night before that sleep took him in its arms, he felt in his heart that terrible and distressing anguish of wishing and needing something he knew impossible."


From "Who I Was, Who I Am" by Jiva-Tiva-lover
"She looked over at the motorcycle that was in front of the coffee shop. She stared at it. Oh man how she loved motorcycle, she walked over to it and was in awe."

In which the author demonstrates why you should always check your pronouns.:
"She died in child birth. Which is what they think led my father to drugs. I lived with her for six months before child services stepped in and took me away from him."

From "Pea Souper of the Damned"
Replacing the used bullets in the barrel and slipping it in his pocket, Watson kept one hand upon it while glancing uneasily around him.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Chapter 31:

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111

Chapter 33:

“NOOOO PLZ!1111” Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz).

And of course, this gem from Ch. 42:

“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.

...Pretty much every line in 30 H's. Though, my personal favorites are the descriptions of Harry's guitar ...slayer: "Wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals, it laughed as it was set loose, a laugh that only Harry could hear, but no one could share," and his book: "It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."

Also, I would love to know what chumpits are, and where I can buy them.

Also, "'You are the demons.' And then John was a zombie." deserves special mention.

I have a liking for the Big Lipped Alligator Moment that is the 'Auras uniting' scene in 'An Elf's Love':

(Copied from an MST and formatted for your enjoyment)

Suddenly winds pick up and her aura appeared. It was gold and suddenly changed to bright white. It threw everyone near her away. Aragorn caught Gandalf before he got hurt. Elrond stood, eyes bugged out. Frodo stood; his glued on her. Aragorn tried to get near her, but again, he was thrown away from the wind.
Rosa screamed in pain, yet calmed a little when she felt strong and comforting arms enclose around her. She opened his eyes to see Legolas holding her. He somehow was able to get to her.
Rosas’ aura encircled both her and Legolas, growing larger. Suddenly, Legolas’ aura materialized. It was a forest green color. It grew and enveloped itself around Rosas’ aura. As this continued, their auras unite. Elrond and Gandalf gasp at the tremendous power they sensed from their combined auras.
Rosa began to calm a little, but she felt another wave of pain and the wind picked up. The whole room became even brighter. Everyone veered away so they wouldn’t be blinded. Rosa began thrashing around. Legolas clung onto her tightly. He then began chanting words of comfort in her ear, hoping it’ll calm her. As quickly it came, it was gone. The wind died down. Rosas’ and Legolas’ auras are gone.

There is no foreshadowing for this phenomenon, as best I can make out, and once it's over, no-one speaks of it again.

I have a drinking game if a fic introduces a charater with "She was the most beutiful girl in the world" or variations. Each time the character is refered to as pretty or somesuch after that I down a shot of whiskey, I don't finish a lot of fics like this.