Oh thank Ludlum! :D

Subject: Oh thank Ludlum! :D
Author: Chatvert
Posted on: 2010-08-20 14:44:00 UTC

That Author also killed Mo Panov and Alex Conklin. That was around the point where I decided to hate him. (Twenty pages into the first book or thereabouts.)

The Amazon.com reviews of the fanfiction are pretty funny...until you get people giving them five stars on purpose. Then it's sad.

I tried reading one of his other books, I think it was First Daughter. Got distracted by other things and had to return it to the library. I'm determined to read at least one of his non-fanfic books because I need to be sure he isn't a TOTAL hack and the Ludlum estate wasn't huffing glue when they gave him the contract.

"Amnesiac Woobie" is the setting from the beginning of the first movie. Since Matt Damon's so sad and made of puppyface.

Ooh. Car destruction. *makes some popcorn*

Reply Return to messages

Jump to this post's position in the thread ↴

ua rgua rgw wT RI nEUKKI by Chliever on 2010-08-15 10:18:00 UTC Reply

U;cw vwwb qwwoubf kujw QUKKIQ SEWnunf sewNA ID nEUKKI bs aqwwr nEUW QGI Qura die nw

*lobs nitro-9 at troll* (nm) by Tawaki on 2010-08-17 17:29:00 UTC Reply

Heheh. plastique, or... by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-20 18:22:00 UTC Reply

*adds a little C4*

Chliever? by Elemarth on 2010-08-16 18:30:00 UTC Reply

Explain, please? Are you having fun or did someone steal your identity? I actually don't think that the nonsense looks quite the same as the other two troll-messages, as if it were inexpertly imitated, so maybe it is just a joke. But if the troll is an identity thief, that shows a certain level of intelligence, which I find frightening. Is there any way to block people on this board? Once or twice is funny, but...
Let's see, a bomb should do the job...
Mein GOTT, are you all blind, stupid, and/or amnesiac? by Edward Wilder on 2010-08-16 15:33:00 UTC Reply

Its CHLIEVER, dammit! Not that goddamn troll again! Unless...

...Chliever is the troll? Hmm.

Wait, what? Chliever's the troll? Oy gevult, when did this happen? O_o

(I know, I know, emoticons are frowned on hereabouts, but...Chliever's the troll! I mean, what?!)

Oh. Never mind, it seems I'm the one whom that sounds like. by Edward Wilder on 2010-08-16 19:14:00 UTC Reply

I spoke...far too hastily for anyones good, and I apologize. I've gotten about twelve hours of sleep in the past three days, and my temper, manners, and apparently eyesight as well all seem to be suffering.

Again, numerous apologies to all parties involved. This was inexcusable.
Yes, please pay more attention yourself. by Neshomeh on 2010-08-16 19:01:00 UTC Reply

Especially before deciding to insult other Boarders. That's not cool. Knock it off.

~Neshomeh
Note discussion below by Kyoki on 2010-08-16 15:58:00 UTC Reply

Where Sergio Turbo and Araeph discuss this very issue.

Very sorry... by Edward Wilder on 2010-08-16 19:16:00 UTC Reply

See above message for a more detailed apology.

Apology Accepted by Kyoki on 2010-08-17 02:55:00 UTC Reply

I do understand how it feels to be like that from personal experience. If you can, get a good night's sleep tonight. It'll make you feel better about everything and it'll make the rest of us happier not getting this kind of thing.

Yes, one does say a lot of random stuff when one is tired. (nm) by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-18 17:37:00 UTC Reply

Hmm...kill it with fire, or ice? by Silikat on 2010-08-16 11:55:00 UTC Reply

FIRE! *shoots*
Fraud! How dare you impersonate a Boarder! *THWACK* by Sedri on 2010-08-16 06:18:00 UTC Reply

Feel the blunt end of my frying pan! *THWACK!THWACK!THWACK!THWACK!THWACK!THWACK!THWACK!*
Hmmm... Semtex or Nitroglycerine? by Kyoki on 2010-08-16 04:28:00 UTC Reply

Now that I think about it, make's no difference to you. *lobs pipe bomb*
Out out OUT! by OpinionedAngel on 2010-08-16 04:11:00 UTC Reply

Don't make me get the spork gun!
Oi, you! by Pretzel on 2010-08-16 03:49:00 UTC Reply

Out of my fandom, you blaggard!

*Hits troll over the head with her Special Edition Frying Pan of the Apocalypse^tm*
Re: ua rgua rgw wT RI nEUKKI by doctorlit on 2010-08-16 03:38:00 UTC Reply

Fool! As a former YTMNDer, I can channel the power of far more powerful internet creatures than yourself. I call upon the Knights of YTMND!

[Ultimate End]
*hits with frying pan* That's for the Boarder! by Cassie Cameron-Young on 2010-08-16 02:41:00 UTC Reply

*hits again* And that's for the PPC!

*stabbity* And that's for my old Gaffer! Begone, troll!
*runs in, wailing* by PitViperOfDoom on 2010-08-15 22:47:00 UTC Reply

TROOOOOLLL! IN THE MESSAGE BOOOAAAARD! TROLL IN THE MESSAGE BOARD!

...Thought you ought to know. *faints*

*laughs* Nice. (nm) by Pretzel on 2010-08-16 03:48:00 UTC Reply

If you're a troller... by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-15 18:20:00 UTC Reply

would you prefer death by C4 or Kalishnikov or angry zombie or Nac Mac Feegle or what? Pick something interesting, do.

If I was the troll, I'd pick... by jakraziel on 2010-08-15 23:09:00 UTC Reply

being a nameless henchman near James Bond.

Jason Bourne would be even better. The troll might not die. (nm) by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-16 18:16:00 UTC Reply

He'd hit the troll with an entire bathroom until it died. (nm) by Chatvert on 2010-08-17 05:12:00 UTC Reply

If he knew what a troll was... by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-18 17:34:00 UTC Reply

... perhaps we could get Marie to convince him... a whole bathroom? Heck, all Bourne needs is a toothbrush.

Well, he does know how to use Google. by Chatvert on 2010-08-18 17:53:00 UTC Reply

True. Or tell him: "Treadstone over there, kill they ass", sit back, and get some popcorn.

I might have to draw this.

Well, that's if I'm dreaming... by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-19 22:07:00 UTC Reply

but in reality he'd just give you a look and start interrogating you on how a very random bystander knows anything about Treadstone.

Go ahead and draw it. The Bourne trilogy is more awesome than the Percy Jackson movies, the twilight movies, avatar, and the half-dozen other movies that will get hyped over and then forgotten, all combined. But don't tell that to the fanbrats. They'd waste a good dvd with drool.

Flip the toggle switch to "Killing Machine" mode... by Chatvert on 2010-08-20 04:15:00 UTC Reply

...rather than "Amnesiac Woobie"? I lost my instruction manual a long time ago, I'm only guessing.

Heh. I draw him too much anyway. But yes, those movies are quite awesome; and the original* books, in their own way, are even better. And certainly more insane.

*[Here I use 'original' to differentiate the Ludlum-penned ones from the additions written posthumously by That Author. Because those ruin everything.]

Somebody that understands! Yes! by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-20 14:37:00 UTC Reply

That Author killed Marie. And that's really all that matters... oh, yeah, and That Author is making $$ off of fanfiction when That Author already has published perfectly well-known-enough novels and doesn't need to go around ripping people off. Mah.

"Amnesiac Woobie"? That's a little harsh. But, hey, you could always send someone after him and watch the interesting and slow destruction of several cars.

Oh thank Ludlum! :D by Chatvert on 2010-08-20 14:44:00 UTC Reply

That Author also killed Mo Panov and Alex Conklin. That was around the point where I decided to hate him. (Twenty pages into the first book or thereabouts.)

The Amazon.com reviews of the fanfiction are pretty funny...until you get people giving them five stars on purpose. Then it's sad.

I tried reading one of his other books, I think it was First Daughter. Got distracted by other things and had to return it to the library. I'm determined to read at least one of his non-fanfic books because I need to be sure he isn't a TOTAL hack and the Ludlum estate wasn't huffing glue when they gave him the contract.

"Amnesiac Woobie" is the setting from the beginning of the first movie. Since Matt Damon's so sad and made of puppyface.

Ooh. Car destruction. *makes some popcorn*

Hey! by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-20 18:20:00 UTC Reply

Matt Damon is not necessarily made of puppyface!

Did you see that pen in the first movie? Ack. Eek. At least he does his own wallclimbing.

So, how do you feel about Nicky and the death of Marie Kreutz? *waits for reaction*

Yep, killing Panov deserves death. Is it un PPC Constitutional to try MSTing a bit of it? Well, I won't, but I can whine.

But he's so good at it. by Chatvert on 2010-08-21 05:24:00 UTC Reply

Nicky...I don't know how I feel about Nicky.

I do rage fireballs when I see people pairing her and Bourne (though I have seen Bourne/Landy...no, it didn't make sense to me either). I actually saw the movies first (horror! shock!) so I was surprised, and pleased, that Marie managed to last. And that she was so different (and an awesome Canadian economist).

Worse than death. Panov is so awesome. Ditto Conklin.

I've been actually writing parodies/semi-MSTs of Those Books. It takes forever because the writing is just so bad I can't force myself to sit through it for too long.

Agreed. by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-21 23:37:00 UTC Reply

I saw the movies first too, so no shock! horror! Actually, I saw the third movie, read the second book, then saw the first movie and read the third book, and then re-saw the third and then saw then second and ...

Marie is Canadian... that really made my day. Nicky... yeah, they kind of have her offer support in a way that is disturbingly like the first movie- like Marie, she had just dyed her hair and it was possibly a coincidence on purpose- to show that Jason views her as something like Marie, and since Marie didn't end up so well... he doesn't want to start anything. Plus, he's getting OLD. Sorry to say it, but it's true...

That...must have been confusing. by Chatvert on 2010-08-22 03:06:00 UTC Reply

The entire third movie was made of callbacks to the other two, bookended nicely when you see him in the river at the end.

Haha, it's true. I'd love a fourth movie, but it won't be the same without Matt Damon.

Yeah, it couldn't be anything without him. by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-24 00:53:00 UTC Reply

Like Sherlock Holmes without Sherlock Holmes, really.
Haha, yes. by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-22 19:49:00 UTC Reply

And him in the river at the end... well, there was this one hilarious blog that said since Bourne had done all he could do, and there was almost no storyline chances left, they should just do it all over again and have Bourne get a relapse of amnesia when he gets shot and thrown in the river for the second time... it was roll-on-the-floor funny.

But if there was a Bourne Four... I'd be booking first night tickets, ya know?

Indeed! by Chatvert on 2010-08-23 03:47:00 UTC Reply

You and me both. xD I'd be all over that like agents on the last Bleeprin bottle.

We can only hope. And pester NBC Universal. xD

There's rumors that Damon and Greengrass signed on, BUT by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-24 00:52:00 UTC Reply

The contract expired. Boo.

Most recently I heard... by Chatvert on 2010-08-24 05:51:00 UTC Reply

That Greengrass dropped the project and that Damon won't do it without him.

Drat.

Oh well, by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-24 22:13:00 UTC Reply

how could it be quite so awesome without Greengrass? Better no sequel than a bad one.

I concur. by Chatvert on 2010-08-26 03:24:00 UTC Reply

Unfortunately, That Author doesn't seem to hold to that point of view, since he just keeps churning out crap sequel after crap sequel after...

After killing everyone off, by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-26 03:27:00 UTC Reply

Which is not good policy for a fanfiction writer, which he is. Like Mary-Sues, he also gives the name a bad rep.

We hates it, precious. by Chatvert on 2010-08-26 03:34:00 UTC Reply

I still can't get over the gratuitous movement to DC from Maine (no explanation) and Webb's specialty changing from Oriental Studies to Every Goddamn Language Ever (also unexplained).

It's mentioned in the source books he doesn't know Russian! And why would he ever know Amharic? WHY?! It doesn't even fit. :|

And here I quote.... by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-26 21:20:00 UTC Reply

"You speak English, French, and some goddamn twangy thing I assume is Oriental". That's the doctor, Washburne. How much clearer can the man get? Sigh.

Yes, thank you! by Chatvert on 2010-08-27 02:26:00 UTC Reply

My copy of Identity is on loan to someone else, so I couldn't look up the exact line. But it's true. Oy, what a tool.

I wonder what would happen... by Aeidhryn on 2010-08-27 22:33:00 UTC Reply

If we let the three versions of Bourne all get together and point them at someone... which one would do what? Even That Author's version could be interesting... as for explosions...

You do realize this has become a random spot for Bourne whining and drooling, right?

Not like there's anything wrong with that! :D by Chatvert on 2010-08-28 00:13:00 UTC Reply

Ah, that would be interesting. Especially since all of them are so different. Drag in the one from the video game, too, and things are bound to get interesting.

The problem is, That Author's version is occasionally interesting but far too much of a Stu to actually care about. It was about a third of the way through his second jab at the franchise that I, for a half-second, began to feel for the impostor Bourne.

Then again, that goodwill was swiftly squandered when he gave Bourne a PS3 to use as a computer.*

*(See "Wall Banger"; "Dethroning Moment of Suck".)

Spah, sappin' mah boarder! by MAXinsanity on 2010-08-15 16:29:00 UTC Reply

*hits with wrench*

Engineer is credit to team! (nm) by Barid on 2010-08-15 18:28:00 UTC Reply

Re: ua rgua rgw wT RI nEUKKI by Simon on 2010-08-15 13:45:00 UTC Reply

You're boring me.
What? by Sergio Turbo on 2010-08-15 10:35:00 UTC Reply

Ok, there are 3 possible things.

One, the guy has a malfunctioning keyboard. Buy a new one.

Two, he wrote in a language with another alphabetic system. Sorry, can you write in English?

Three, a troll. You're in the wrong place. We mock trolls. They make us laugh.

Oh, never mind. by Sergio Turbo on 2010-08-15 10:37:00 UTC Reply

Chliever is a true boarder. If a troll has stolen his name, deserves to be roased ad served to Minis. Or maybe Chliever has some sort of problems with his computer.

The IP address doesn't match his post just below this one. by Araeph on 2010-08-15 12:22:00 UTC Reply

I'm inclined to call name-stealing troll.