I was re-working Agent Shinra into an agent in another department - instead of just leaving her as a floater or a nanny in the PPC nursery - and I thought it a good idea to put her into the Department of Intelligence mainly because we don't usually get to see the demand side of the PPC (the 'supply' being the subsequent killings of a reported Sue in any given Word World). As I tried to think up what had happened to her since I started lurking/disappeared from the Board (so many events, so much to catch up with retoactively), I thought up of something.

Things I Should Know When Spying/Gathering Intelligence

1. Don't be an idiot. This is the rule you must obey. You may endanger yourself, the PPC's existence and Canon if you do something stupid. This includes, but does not limit to: impromptu heroics and drunk driving (or drunk camel/horse riding).

2. Hide in plain sight. You are not there to make contact with your lust object or to make a mess of Canon. Your existence must not be made aware, especially to any possible Mary-Sues or canon characters. Especially the canon characters. Hands off. Most likely they're taken.

3. When on extended stay in any Word World to monitor it, you may experience ripples in the Force/time compression/shifts in georgraphy/time loops/etc. This is normal. It just means that someone is messing with Canon. Do not panic. Especially if you have to keep watching Boromir die before your eyes a hundred times over. Or wear sparkly pink spandex underwear. Whichever is more traumatizing.

4. Make note of any abnormality in Canon and follow your leads. If it leads to a small anomaly, it's most likely nothing. In the event that it isn't nothing and a Mary-Sue has invaded the Word World that you are monitoring report it immediately to HQ and hope that somebody gives a flying hoot to come and fix things. Do not engage the Mary-Sue.

5. To clear up the last rule a bit, when we mean do not engage the Mary-Sue, we do not mean in matrimony, although it's pretty clear that you shouldn't. Do not marry a Mary-Sue or fall to her false charms; in all likelihood, she has Sparkly-AIDs and the last thing anyone needs is a Suvian STD.

6. In fact, it is recommended that any spy is to stay as far away from a Sue as possible. A suggested amount of distance between Intelligence Agent and Mary-Sue is about ten feet, but anything further is highly encouraged. There is NO CURE FOR SPARKLY-AIDS.

7. One thing to remember when sending in a report: "Do not meddle in the affairs of assassins, for they are heavily armed and quick to anger. And not noticeably subtle." Send your reports in when you have at least a few plotholes between yourself and any agents intended to receive your missive with mission specs. No matter what the rule is, people DO enjoy shooting the messenger. Or sporking them.

8. There is no rule eight.

9. Don't mess with Canon. Even if it's REALLY tempting.

10. Do not question the Canon. It is not your job to question or judge the validity of a Word World and its inhabitants, no matter how ridiculously they've been written. This applies to Edward Cullen no matter how much anyone thinks he's the Devil.

11. For the love of Eru/Elbereth/Gaia/The Planet/Minerva/ God/Vishnu/Spongebob/The Force/Farore/Din/Nayru/Naruto/insert your deity/non-deity here - please write legibly and coherently when making your reports!

.................


I'm sure I could add more rules and be ten times as ridiculous, but these were the ones that popped into my head and I thought I'd share. Not exactly gut-busting funny, but I certainly had fun doing this list.