Subject: Pemission granted!
Author:
Posted on: 2010-06-24 21:59:00 UTC
I just want to advise you of a couple of things:
1. Kaitlyn is the exact name of a Boarder who may or may not still come around sometimes. Be careful to be clear who you're talking about. {= )
2. Speech tags need to match who's speaking. You can't have someone's speech coupled with someone else's actions; it's very confusing. For example, these are mixed up:
"Relax. You still couldn't see that much, and besides, she was hot." Kaitlyn groaned.
"Great. I ended up with a sick little pervert in a lady's body." Kimmie closed her eyes and took a deep drink.
"I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't tell her to wear that non-outfit. And if she objected to people looking at her, she wouldn't wander around dressed like that and waving at everyone in sight." Kaitlyn harrumphed and turned to glare at the console, which uncharacteristically decided not to break the (exceedingly awkward) silence; instead that duty fell to Kimmie.
You should have it like this:
"Relax. You still couldn't see that much, and besides, she was hot."
Kaitlyn groaned. "Great. I ended up with a sick little pervert in a lady's body."
Kimmie closed her eyes and took a deep drink. "I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't tell her to wear that non-outfit. And if she objected to people looking at her, she wouldn't wander around dressed like that and waving at everyone in sight."
Kaitlyn harrumphed and turned to glare at the console, which uncharacteristically decided not to break the (exceedingly awkward) silence; instead that duty fell to Kimmie.
Make sense? {= )
~Neshomeh